My Rants & Raves

I wish

2009-12-17T18:10:00.000-06:00

The next time you have a bad day I can come home and make it worse for you. Seriously! You know I've had a bad day, so you come home and treat me like shit. Thanks!

gah

2009-12-09T12:13:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired of this crap! I wish I could come home, make my lunch, hold Lexi long enough to make her cry when I put her back down, and then go back to work to hang out with my friends. It freaking sucks being stuck here all the time. Just pretty much either holding Lexi or listening to her cry. Then, it's the same thing in the evenings. Except for in the evenings I don't even have the luxury of watching what I want on tv. It's either watch what Jacob wants to watch or watch him play stupid video games. Monday night he seriously just walked in while I was watching Hoarders and flipped it over to play a game. So frustrating!
Lexi's sleep schedule is jacked up for some reason. Where she used to get a bath, bottle, and be asleep at 8...she's now getting her bath, bottle, nap @8 and then staying awake until at least 11. It's so frustrating! Because I just want her to go to bed so I can have a couple hours to unwind and try to get myself to sleep. It takes me at least an hour to fall asleep once I get in bed, so if she doesn't go to bed until 11 then it's at least 12 before I fall asleep. But what's amazing is that she still gets up at the same time in the morning. Today I'm going to try to make sure she doesn't nap at all this afternoon and hopefully at 8 she will be ready for bed!
It's like me and Jacob will have a huge fight about stuff that I want to be different, but nothing ever actually changes. I always end up compromising and doing stuff that I said I wasn't going to do. I'm tired of being the one to compromise.

ya

2009-12-06T18:38:00.000-06:00

Being a dad must be great! You do what you feel like doing whenever you feel like doing it...everything else is mom's job. And why do dads find it so easy to ignore a screaming baby? Then whenever mom gets up they suddenly spring into action...like, "oh the baby is crying. I'm a good dad, I'll take care of it." I'm just really annoyed right now!

I'm tired of nothing going my way. I'm tired of never getting a break. I'm tired of never having 5 seconds to myself, to do what I want to do."

no thanks

2009-12-02T20:37:00.001-06:00

I don't need any help. I would much rather do everything myself.

so tired of it

2009-12-01T19:43:00.000-06:00

I'm so tired of the fact that Jacob will go to the ends of the earth for his family, but I don't feel like he would do the same for me.

Case in point: Jacob's brother wrecked his truck. He had a whole week off school to figure out what to do. He didn't do anything about it...instead takes his mom's car back to school for the week. Now Jacob feels like it's his priority to make sure his mom has a way to her dr's appts, etc. How about you tell your asshole brother to bring his mom's car back and figure out a way to get himself back and forth to school. Grow the fuck up people! I'm so tired of stupid shit! I don't understand why teenagers today feel like they are entitled to something, like the world owes them something just for being them. Ya know what little jerks? The world doesn't owe you shit! Go out into the world and make something of yourself and then maybe we'll talk about feeling sorry for you when something shitty happens in your life.

losing it

2009-12-01T19:18:00.000-06:00

I'm so close to losing my shit right now.

It really sucks to feel like a single mom all the time. If I wanted to be a single mom I would have found some random guy to get me knocked up and never would have gotten married. But alas that's not what I wanted. So, I get married and do everything the right way. But alas, I'm still a single mom. It just really sucks to be at home and do everything by yourself all day and then still have to do everything by yourself once your significant other gets home. I understand that he works all day every day, so when he gets home he wants/needs to relax. But, there are times when I'm overwhelmed and need a break also. Like when Lexi won't stop screaming, or when she pukes all over me and I need to change shirts, but as soon as I put her down she's going to scream some more. Or like earlier when she was rubbing her cold, wet, slobber-covered hands all over my face and neck and I was so irritated and grossed out, but all he could do was sit there and laugh and tell me not to push her away from me.

Anyways...I changed shirts, took a deep breath, and told myself that bedtime is an hour away, so all will be well again.

loss

2009-11-29T21:13:00.000-06:00

What do you do when a friend loses a child? Not just any child, but a 3 week old child. I just found out that my friend and his wife lost their son today.

They don't have a phone, I don't know where they live, and I have no way of getting in touch with them. My heart is breaking right now. I'm doing everything I can to find some way of figuring out where they are. I can't offer much. But, I can be a shoulder to cry on.

I've experienced miscarriage, 3 times. That's the worst pain I've ever been through. And I know it's nothing compared to what these parents are going through.

Tonight I held Lexi a little tighter, kissed her cheek a few more times, and said an extra I love you as I tucked her into bed. These parents won't have that opportunity tonight. I don't think my life would go on without Lexi. And I don't know how these parents will get up every day and go on with their lives. Right now all I know is that they need love and support.

Please pray!! Right now it's all they have!

wordpress

2009-11-20T14:01:00.000-06:00

I've moved my blog over to wordpress. I'm debating whether or not to keep this blog and use it for something different, but I don't know yet.

Go check out: www.adventuresofmom.wordpress.com

exercise day 2

2009-11-17T15:50:00.001-06:00

2.81 miles
72 mins 31 secs

I was hoping to get 3 miles today, but I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep good last night. And I'm not sure I could get another walk in this afternoon anyways. Lexi has gotten pretty clingy!

Jacob has to do some computer work after work so he'll be late. Too bad 'cause I want to go to bed right now. I wonder if Lexi would lay in bed with me??

We've been fighting a sock battle today. I put them on and she pulls them off. Cute? Yes, because she's so proud of herself. But her feet stay cold even with socks on, so going without isn't an option considering that Oklahoma skipped fall and went straight to winter!

Exercise Day 1

2009-11-16T19:22:00.001-06:00

I was able to walk 4 times today. I am hoping to be able to fit in 1 more in the morning and 1 more in the afternoon. By the time I got motivated this morning, Lexi decided that she wanted to be held. And then this evening she was a bear! But anyways...here's my totals for today.
2.21 miles
59 min 47 sec

I finished a book I started reading while I was pregnant and started another one.

My treadmill faces towards the window in the bedroom, which faces towards the street. During my 3rd walk I see a horse running down the road, followed by a truck. Who knows what was going on there?!

It's time

2009-11-15T21:14:00.001-06:00

I'm starting a diet tomorrow. It's not going to be like a hard-core diet, because let's face it, I'm not capable of that. I'm just going to try to be more conscious of what I eat. I'm going to eat salad for lunch and then eat a salad before my dinner to maybe keep me from eating as much stuff that's not healthy. I bought some frozen yogurt to eat instead of ice cream, so we'll see how that goes. I'm also going to TRY to walk on the treadmill while Lexi is in a good mood and playing. That is going to be hard because most of the time it's just for 10 minutes before she gets bored with herself and neds me to entertain her. So, I'll have to start out at a good pace to even work up a good sweat and heart rate in that amount of time. But hopefully I can get a good amount of time in throughout the whole day. It's also going to be hard to do the walking when I have so many craft ideas running through my head and that's my time to do those also. Maybe I can alternate times (1 walking/1 crafting). Or maybe I could save the crafting for when Jacob's at home in the evenings. I could save all the walking for then, but by the end of the day I'm so exhausted (from doing nothing) that I don't want to walk. I've also been trying to add more water in. I pretty much have to "chug" it though because it has to be super cold for me to drink it. I just know that something has to change.

I passed out in the shower on Thursday. It was just me and Lexi here. Let me tell you, it was super scary to wake up on the shower floor and know that my baby was in the living room alone...wondering how long I had been out. Obviously it hadn't been too long or I probably would have drowned in there! I took my BP and it was like 142/102. But by the time we got to Urgent Care it was down to a normal number. I know it had to be because of my BP, and I know my BP is out of control because of my weight. So maybe if I can get my weight under control my BP will get under control. I also know that whenever we do decide to start trying for a little brother or sister for Lexi (not anytime soon!) the extra weight is only going to compound the PCOS issue. Weight management is currently the only treatment for PCOS. Of course PCOS makes it harder to lose the extra weight, but that just means I'm going to have to fight harder! Of course in the back of my mind I can see myself wearing smaller clothes and being skinny...but next to that thought is the thought that it's never going to happen and I'm going to be this size forever. I just don't know what to do different. I'm the type of person that if it doesn't start to work fast then I'm going to give up. Of course I know if something is working super fast then it isn't healthy...but I need pounds to start dropping relatively quick...even if it's just 1 at a time!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-11T21:36:00.001-06:00

exhausting

2009-11-10T11:02:00.000-06:00

It's really exhausting to never do anything right. Just when I think I'm making headway something happens that brings it all crashing back down.

It doesn't matter how many times I say I don't do something, the trust is never there.

I had been working on my new crafts for like 2 weeks, really thinking that they would sell. The first craft shows proved me wrong on that one. I didn't even make enough to pay mom back for the stuff she bought to get me started. So now I don't feel like even making anything else.

I have lots of ideas, but I feel like I can't do anything because I'm stuck sitting here holding Lexi. If I can't do something in 5-10 minutes then it won't get done.

I'm just tired of it all. I feel like I've always got something to prove and no way to prove it.

I have way more to offer than this.

6 months

2009-11-03T22:39:00.001-06:00

I can't believe my baby girl is 6 months old! It's unreal that time has gone by so fast. It seems like yesterday I was getting up a million times a night to feed her and hold her and rock her. Now she sleeps in her room all night like a big girl! I'm not going to complain about that. But, I do miss rocking her to sleep. I miss how she used to grin in her sleep...before she ever really grinned "on purpose." I miss her little preemie and newborn clothes. I miss having to roll up 4 receiving blankets to stuff around her in the carseat because she was so tiny. But, what I really really miss is having her inside of me. Knowing that she was safe. Knowing that nothing was going to hurt her. Feeling her kick and move around. Feeling her hiccup! Going to see her on the ultrasounds and hear her heartbeat. Those things I miss because I know that I may never get to experience them again. I will always be able to see, hold, and love babies. My sisters will have babies. My cousins will have babies. But, Lexi may be my only baby. It terrifies me to think about that. I so want to experience it again. Experience making new life. But, with all I went through to get her...I don't know if I could do it all again, having her. I don't know if I could go through miscarriage after miscarriage, cycle after cycle, failure after failure and still be able to get out of bed every day and be a good mom.

Lexi-girl, I love you. With every part of my being. I live my life for you. For smiles and laughs, for frowns and cries. I simply love you! 6 months ago you stole my heart. I can't imagine how my life would be without you. You are my everything!

failure

2009-11-02T22:33:00.002-06:00

Have you ever felt like a complete failure? I mean, like nothing you do goes right, or nothing you want to achieve ever happens? That's how I feel right now. Over at www.conception-obsession.com we started a weight loss challenge on www.fatbet.com. I was doing pretty good at first, and was more than halfway to my goal of 10 pounds. But, as time went on, I gained those pounds back and I'm back to my starting weight...which is higher than when I was pregnant with Lexi. It sucks! The "losers" have to post a picture of themselves wearing something too tight. Well, I have plenty of things that are too tight, trust me. But, I don't want to take a picture of myself wearing them, and then posting it on a website as my avatar pic!

2nd failure: Still not being able to find a job. I've sent so many resumes and applications it's not even funny. But, I've only been called in for 1 interview...and I obviously didn't get that job. Being on unemployment is so demeaning. And knowing that this extension could be the last one I get approved for is scary. Knowing that it could end at any time and I would just be out that money. It just really sucks. I feel like I'm not pulling my weight in the household and I hate that.

Gah!

2009-11-01T20:55:00.000-06:00

Jacob is sick, and it sucks! Lexi has had a cold for a week now. It's just allergies and drainage. I've been giving her benadryl, but it diesn't really help. I really hope I don't get whatever Jacob has though. I can't be sick. I don't get to take sick days!

Thank goodness he could hold Lexi today so I could work on some craft show stuff on and off. Generally she will entertain herself for around 5 minutes and I can do a few things before I have to pick her up again.

I'm making post-it holders, binder clips, small notecards, and checkbook covers. I really hope they sell.

Still looking for a job. And it still sucks! I still feel like Jacob doesn't respect me. Even though I cook, do laundr and dishes, and take care of Lexi. Which is starting to annoy me. I get tired of doing everything...but I know if I say something it's going to be a huge fight that I don't need to have. Right now I feel like I will never do enough to "earn" his respect. If Lexi wakes up after 4am he won't get up with her because he has to get up and go to work. So that really sucks for me when she wants to get up at 6, take an hour to eat/fall back asleep and then get up at 8 or 9. Because then she doesn't take a nap all day. She'll sleep for 15 minutes or so as long as I'm holding her, but if I put her down she wakes up. So it makes for a long day for me.

Ambien induced...

2009-10-24T23:32:00.000-05:00

I took an ambien, well over an hour ago and I have yet to feel drowsy. So we'll see where this post leads me. Down a sad road, where once again I want to change my life, but don't know how and don't know where to start. I need a job! That's an understatement. I needed a job like 10 months ago! I absolutely LOVE staying home with Lexi all day, but I feel like we need time apart from each other. She's starting to understand what buttons to push that grate mommy's nerves...and she loves to push them! Also, she's going to have to become accomodated to not being held all the time. At least 75% of her day she is being held. She will sit in the exersaucer for a while. She may lay on the floor for a while and roll around. Which brings me to the point of her rolling. She rolls up onto her side and that's as far as she goes. She won't roll all the way over to her belly. She has always hated tummy time...so I don't know if she realizes that if she rolls all the way over, that's where she'll be. She has rolled from her belly to her back...further emphasizing the hate for tummy time. I don't want her to fall behind on her milestones just because she's spoiled to being held all the time.
My second reason for wanting a job is of course to bring in money to help financially support my family. Jacob shouldn't have to do it alone...that's not what he signed up for!
The third reason would be simply so I would get a little credit. SAHM's get zero credit for anything they do. I've never heard of a SAHM who busted her ass to get everything done and then was actually thanked when her hubby came home. That's the hard part about my JOB as a MOM. It may appear as though I sit here on my fat ass all day and never leave the couch. But, that isn't the case. In the rare 5 minutes that Lexi is being an angel there is dinner to plan, dishes to wash, clothes to wash, bottles to wash, clothes to put away, dinner to cook. It's really hard to get all those things accomplished in 5 minute intervals. So, if dinner is burnt or your clothes are wrinkly because they sat in the dryer too long...give me a little bit of a break. In this house we don't take naps. I'm so thankful that Lexi sleeps well through the night. But, she gets so cranky during the day and will take like a 10-15 minute power nap. Well, like as mentioned above, it's hard to get a lot done in those 10 minutes. Because in these little breaks is when I get to brush my hair and teeth, change out of pajamas, pee, and maybe get to eat something.
I respect all SAHM's! I hope they all get the respect they deserve! As for me...as soon as I find a job, I'll be sending Lexi to daycare. Maybe they can win a battle or two for me!

tomorrow

2009-10-19T20:49:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, I'd rather not wake up. Why you ask? Because then I have to face the shit hole that is my life. I know that sounds terrible. But, it's how I feel. Nothing goes right for me. I have a beautiful little girl who needs me...but I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I have a husband, who unfortunately thinks less of me by the day. It would be easier to not get up anymore. I don't do anything right. I lose my patience with Lexi far too often. I always pray for forgiveness for it at the end of the day, because I know it's wrong. But, I get so irritated with her crying/screaming all day. Tonight she was screaming while I was giving her a bath and getting her ready for bed. I couldn't stand it. It just gets under my skin. I know she's spoiled to being held all the time, but there's nothing I can do about it now, besides listen to her cry. But dammit I'm a good mom. I don't care what he says or what he thinks he sees. I love that little girl with my whole heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She's the only thing keeping me alive right now.

Not me Monday

2009-10-19T18:34:00.001-05:00

Today I did not go to 2 different stores to do my grocery shopping because I couldn't get everything I needed at one place. Add this to the 1 place I did not go yesterday.

I did not buy 11 cans of nutramigen formula on my wic that does not cost over $255.

I did not mix carrots, peaches, and apples all together because Lexi will only eat vegetables if they are mixed with a fruit.

I did not drop the F-bomb over 100 times today!

I did not cry hard and uncontrollable over something petty.

I guess over all it was not an eventful Monday!

Weekend

2009-10-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm home alone. Jacob took Lexi to Nana and Papaw's house for a visit. I was supposed to go, but alas depression is kicking my ass and I just wanted some time alone. I can't say I've gotten a lot done this weekend. Basically I just hung out and caught up on sleep. Friday night I didn't get to sleep until after 4am Saturday morning. I slept 'til 10 and then got up because I didn't want to sleep all day. I went and bought an oven pizza and new potatoes. I cooked the pizza for lunch and threw the new potatoes and a pork roast in the crock pot for dinner (Jacob doesn't like roast or new potatoes.) I decided around 2 to take a nap. As I layed down in bed and turned the tv on to 48 hours mystery it reminded me of "old times." I used to nap on Saturdays and Sundays...around that time, with those same shows on the tv. I ended up waking up about 5:30. I really didn't want to get up, but I wanted to be able to fall asleep at a decent time that night. I ate some of the roast and potatoes for dinner...they were yum! Watched OSU play football, took a bath, and headed to bed around 1. Got up around 10 this morning. I've been sitting here really bored all day. I read a blog that made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe. All in all I've realized that I do love my life. I miss my Lexi so much right now! I can't wait for her and Jacob to be home. I was just reading a blog where the lady said her and her husband layed in bed talking for 2 hours after they woke up. I miss that! I miss Jacob and I laying in bed talking and laughing at night. And waking up on the weekends together. We don't hardly ever go to bed at the same time anymore, and even if we did I would be too tired to lay there and talk for hours. Then when we wake up on the weekends, it's because Lexi has woken up, so we definately can't lay in bed and talk then! I gave away a whole box of diapers today that Lexi has outgrown. It made me feel good to be able to help someone out. But at the same time it made me sad that she's outgrown them. She really is tiny still...but she's growing and changing so much. She's 5 months old now. Still wearing 0-3 month clothes for the most part. Just moved into size 2 diapers. And Friday she started getting a tooth. According to Jacob it really started poking through this weekend, so I can't wait to see it! Mine and Jacob's anniversary is this week. No clue what we're going to do, as it's on a Thursday night, or if we're going to get each other gifts. Usually for anniversaries and Christmas we just buy one thing that we both want but couldn't see purchasing on a regular day. I don't really think there's anything that we are both wanting right now though, so don't know how that will work out! So, here's to a new attitude, a refreshing weekend, and just love in general!

October 15

2009-10-15T17:49:00.000-05:00

I woke up today not realizing what day it was. I immediately logged onto facebook, as I do every morning...to find several people had posted about today being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I immediately started crying. I love my Lexi girl with all my heart. But, my heart aches for the babies I lost. I can't help but think about whether they would have been boys or girls. What they would be doing now. I wish I never would have been dealt this card. And I wish I didn't know anyone else who has been dealt the same card. It's unfair! Infertility shouldn't happen to anyone! And pregnancy or infant loss should never happen to anyone! I find is especially cruel that so many women who battle infertility then have to fight the battle of pregnancy or infant loss. So, tonight I will be lighting my candle and thinking about my babies. And praying for all the women around the world who are doing the same thing today!

Depression

2009-10-09T13:29:00.000-05:00

It's kicking my ass today. The dr won't refill my antidepressant, so it's been 3 days without it. I didn't get a job I interviewed for yesterday. All Lexi wants to do is scream. I just want to go to bed and never get up. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. Living is too hard. It just sucks! I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate the fact that I need antidepressants to live my life. Too bad I don't have anything that will knock me out. I feel like I need to be admitted to the psych ward. I shouldn't have the thoughts that I have. Normal people don't think about how many tylenol pm it would take to put them in the hospital.

Ugh

2009-09-17T19:11:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have days where you seriously hate yourself? I mean, really hate everything about yourself? I'm having one of those days. My main HATE nowadays is my weight. I know I've complained about it before. But, it's really out of hand. I have no motivation or determination to do anything about it though. That makes me hate myself even more...the fact that I hate something so much, but still won't do anything about it. So, I joined sparkpeople.com to view their exercises, etc. It lets you track your calorie intake, so that's kinda nice. I also through conception-obsession joined fatbet.com We created a CO team. Whoever doesn't meet their goal for 7 weeks has to post an embarassing picture of themselves on CO. It got me kinda motivated to drink my 8 glasses of water and not eat so much junk food. Because I really don't want to post an embarassing picture of myself online.

Second hate that has been brought to my attention this evening is the fact that I don't have a job. I feel like I'm not contributing to my family at all. But at the same time I can't imagine having a job plus doing stuff around the house plus having Lexi. The dr. even said it's great that she isn't in daycare. Because she hasn't been sick at all, like most babies are when they get thrown in daycare. But, I feel like I do need a job...for money, and for my sanity. There are days when I feel like I'm going crazy sitting at home all day...just me and Lexi. I've started making scarves and stuff so my mom can put them in craft shows. But, even that isn't going to be very much. And I can only crochet when I'm not holding Lexi...which isn't very often. I really don't seem to think about it that much...but then it's brought to my attention. Tonight Jacob told me he wasn't going to do the dishes anymore. He said the reason he was doing them was because Lexi was so fussy, and now that she's doing better I can do them again. Well, chances are they aren't going to get done during the day. Because I'm not going to let her scream just so I can do the dishes. It's hard enough to get in the kitchen at 4:30 to start dinner so it will be ready @ 5. It's not about doing more stuff, because I'll do it. He works all day, so I will take the household responsibilities. But, it's finding time to do all the things that need done and still taking care of Lexi. I do good to get a shower every 2 or 3 days. I know, some of you will be repulsed by that. But, let's face it. By the time Lexi goes to sleep I'm ready to fall in bed myself without taking a shower!

Hate #3...I hate that there are so many great people in the world and I'm not one of them. I hate the fact that I know so many awesome people. Some wrote a note in facebook today...and all it had was a list of amazing traits about amazing people. I was tagged in the note. I don't know which statement was about me. But, I didn't feel like I fit any of the traits. I'm not beautiful. I'm not a great woman of God. People don't turn to me with their problems. I don't have great hair or great makeup. I don't have a smile on my face all the time. I'm not a very nice person, and I'm not in church every time the doors are opened. I don't always have something great to say about everyone. The list could go on and on. Basically, I don't know why I was tagged in this note...because nothing fits me. I wish I could be her! She is the most amazing person!

Anyways...enough complaining and babbling. Off to go do laundry and get Lexi ready for bathtime/bedtime!

facebook friends

2009-09-03T09:55:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to win some goodies on Hatchlings.

Try out Hatchlings here:http://apps.facebook.com/egghunt/r.php?r=502592010

Tired of this

2009-08-23T21:54:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of being fat. Seriously tired of it. I'm tired of struggling to find clothes that look halfway decent. I'm tired of still wearing my maternity shirts because they are loose enough to cover up my belly somewhat. I'm tired of trying every different diet out there and having nothing work. Most of all I hate myself for not having any motivation to do anything about it. But, I honestly feel like I have good excuses for my eating and non-excercise habits. I can't excercise while I'm here alone with Lexi. She naps for 10-15 minutes at a time during the day, and the rest of the time she pretty much demands to be held. That also interferes with my eating habits. Most of the time I have to try to eat things that I can eat with one hand while I'm holding her. So, the majority of those foods are not really good for you. This also brings up the fact that Lexi is getting more and more spoiled by the second. But I literally can't tolerate listening to her scream. She'll scream until she chokes, and that scares me to death. So, I don't want to do anything that's going to make her do that. It's just so much easier for me at the time to just hold her, rather than try to let her cry it out. By the time Jacob gets home and I cook dinner and let him eat I don't feel like walking on the treadmill or doing any kind of excercise. So, I end up just eating dinner and not doing anything active.
I brought Alli up this week, and I guess it didn't go over too well with Jacob. He doesn't like that it is so expensive. But, if we would add up all the diet pills that I've tried, that haven't worked, it would be way more than that. I know people who have tried it and it has worked really well.
Blah blah, I know alli would be taking the "easy" way out. But, maybe it will give me a jumpstart to losing weight and I will be able to see that I CAN lose weight and be more motivated to doing more.
All I know is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hating the way I look. I'm sick of feeling like people are always staring at me because of the way I look. I'm sick of feeling like I don't have anything cute to wear because of my weight. I'm sick of having a closet full of clothes that I don't wear because I don't like the way they fit me.
For some reason I'm just feeling really awful about myself tonight. I seriously stood in the kitchen with the fridge open, looking for something to eat and almost cried. I want to eat. And I know I'm going to end up eating something that's totally bad for me. But, at the same time I don't want to eat. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Letting go

2009-08-17T21:46:00.000-05:00

I remember the first time I let Salem (our kitty) outside by himself. I was trying to get him ready to be outside all the time. I swear, I went to the window and checked on him every 5 minutes for an hour. Then brought him in and loved on him, and didn't take him back outside until the next weekend. There was a part of me that really wanted him to stay an inside cat forever. But, another part of me knew he would like it outside better. We were gone to work all day and were often gone the majority of the weekends. He would have so much more fun outside, exploring and finding new things. I was thinking about that today for some reason. And it made me wonder how hard it's going to be to let Lexi go. I'm really looking for a job now. Mainly because Jacob feels like he needs to get a part time job, on top of his full time job. And I don't like that. How hard will it be to drop her off that first day at daycare and be without her all day? She has spent the day with Granny and Nana, and stayed all night. But, somehow this feels different. I feel like it's so abnormal to leave her somewhere, with strangers, while I go off to work. Part of me feels like I need to go back to work, simply for my sanity. There are days when I want to scream right along with her. But, the other part of me wants to just sit here and hold her and stare at her all day until she's too big to hold! Then that brings up, how hard will her first day of school be for me? I specifically remember my first day of 4th grade. I remember holding back the tears as my mom talked to the teacher and prepared to leave. I remember the teacher (Mrs. Taylor) asking my mom if I was going to be ok. She knew that I was ready to cry. My mom just said yes, gave me another hug and left. Just thinking about it now is making me want to cry. I never want Lexi to feel like that. And I can't imagine what it feels like as a parent to leave your child at school for a whole day...knowing that they are slowly growing up. That 4th grader in me never really left. When I went to college I came home every Friday, and cried when I went back every Sunday. To this day when we visit family, or when family visits, I have to hold back tears when I leave. I don't know why, it's just who I am. Then, what happens when Lexi goes to college? Seriously! I know I missed out on so much by never letting myself LOVE college the way Lisa and Kristin have. And I want Lexi to experience everything that college has to offer. But, how am I going to let her go? How am I going to watch her get married? Believing that no man will ever be good enough for her. I told her just today how much I love her. How I'll always be here for her. How I'll never leave, and I'll never let her go. But, that's not true. One day I will have to let her go. One day I will leave her. I just don't know how to face the future. 1 day at a time, I guess.

Tired

2009-08-08T10:44:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of having conversation/arguments that end up being pointless. Why say you're going to do something if you're not. It sucks! If I wanted to be a single parent I never would have gotten married. I love Lexi with all my heart, but sometimes I need/want a break. The only break I get is when I'm cooking dinner. I feed her, change her, bathe her, put her to bed at night, and get up with her in the morning. I love that I'm here with her all day. But, it sucks to have to do everything by myself. And even if I'm not going to do it I might as well be doing it because I have to give step by step instructions. We've had her for 3 months. You would think it would be second nature to do what needs done. I guess it is for me, but not him. She woke up at 7 this morning after not going to bed until after 11. I got up with her. He didn't get up until 10:40. And then asks me what I want to do since he slept in so late. Obviously it doesn't matter what I want to do. I want to buy stuff to make crafts for craft shows this fall, to make some extra money. I was able to go to Michael's last night, but not buy anything. We go to Kohl's and I spent my whole time trying to find a bra....I got 1 that I put on this morning and immediately took back off. I'm going to have to return it. I got Lexi 2 outfits and 2 pairs of jeans. Did I get myself anything, no. It freaking sucks. I just want 1 time that something revolves around me. I know that's selfish, but come on. I spend every single day doing what other people want to do. My life revolves around Lexi's needs 24/7. And then I can't even do what I want to on the weekend because Jacob works all week and he needs a weekend too. It sucks, and I'm tired of it. I guess I won't get any respect around here until I get a job. And then my life is just going to get harder...because I'll be working and still having to do everything for Lexi while I'm home. Then I feel like I'm rushed all the time. We go to the grocery store and I always end up leaving without something because I'm so rushed. Because he doesn't feel like it's necessary to go down every aisle. Seriously, if I don't go down every aisle then I will forget something. And every time we go to the grocery store I have to wear Lexi in the backpack carrier thing because she won't just sit in the carseat like a normal child. It's a million degrees here in Oklahoma and stores don't get the idea that they're going to have to crank the a/c to compensate for all the people and the doors opening and closing all day long. So, it's always hot in every store. I'm just so freaking tired of so many things. But, arguments are pointless. I get told that things will change and I will get more help, and then that never happens and it's back to the same argument. I just don't know what to do.

Fat Girl

2009-07-20T21:17:00.001-05:00

That's me! I weighed myself tonight. I'm at my heaviest weight ever. I wasn't even this big when I was pregnant. I could literally cry right now. I remember telling myself that I would never get above 150. Then after I hit that I remember telling myself I would never hit 200. Well apparently tonight I hit that, plus some. I'm so disappointed in myself. After I had Lexi I dropped the weight really fast. I was in my pre-pregnancy jeans before she even came home from the NICU. Everyone went on and on about how good I looked. I guess I was foolish for getting used to hearing those comments. Now I'm bigger than ever and feel like complete shit. I tell myself that I'll start walking on the treadmill, but then by the time Jacob gets home from work I'm exhausted from taking care of Lexi all day, and I just don't feel like doing it. I've got to do something though, because this just isn't ok. None of my jeans really fit anymore, and I don't have the money to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe because I'm a fatty. I lack motivation and dedication to diet. Lisa has had great luck with Weight Watchers, but it's because she's dedicated to it. I don't have the willpower to only eat so many "points" per day. I love food too much. That has always been my issue. I'm tired of being the fat girl!

grr..

2009-07-18T22:31:00.000-05:00

I hate money issues. I need to find a job that will help support us + pay for childcare. That's the kicker. With most jobs that I've looked at by the time I pay childcare I won't be bringing home hardly anything. So, it's pretty pointless to get a job!

I wish...

2009-07-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

I was pregnant and on bedrest again! Seriously...that's how horrible of a person I am. I enjoyed being able to lay in bed all day and have a reason to not have to get up!

Thankful Thursday 7/16/09

2009-07-16T20:54:00.002-05:00

I'm thankful for Alexia Rosemay. She was born 4 weeks early. She weighed 5lb 5oz and was just 17 3/4 inches long. She was in the NICU for 9 days. I'm sure while she was in there she endured way more than I will ever be able to handle. I'm so blessed to have her in my life! She is my miracle baby and the reason I get out of bed each morning.

feelings tonight

2009-07-14T21:04:00.002-05:00

It seems like you always have something better to do than be at home with your family. There's always work or there's always someone else who needs something. What about what your wife needs? Don't tell me I'm acting like Lexi is a burden, because I don't feel that way at all. I just need a break every once and a while. I would like to shower every day. I would like to not have to rush through a meal because I have to comfort a crying baby.
I don't know why I feel so different tonight. Maybe because Lexi has had a great few days and then this afternoon it was back to crying for "no" reason. But, Jacob didn't get home until after 7. I had been up since 6:30. Yes, I took like an hour and a half nap this morning while Lexi slept, but still. That's working from 6:30 until...who knows because I'm still working. Yes, I consider motherhood work. It's a full time job. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to work, because I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now. But, when the phone rang and he tried to walk someone through their computer problem, and then proceeded to tell them he would be right over, it cut to the bone. He ate out, while I balanced cooking dinner, eating dinner, and taking care of a baby. Jennifer was here when he got home, and she made a joke about him getting "the hand off." He very quickly said "That's not going to happen! I'm hot from riding in a truck with no air conditioner." Wow, that cut to the bone also. So, as I laid Lexi in bed at 8:30, went and took my nightly medication and walked back in to find her awake and fussing, I couldn't help but sit down and cry. I don't know why tonight of all nights it became too much to handle. But, I'm tired. And not just physically, I feel mentally exhausted. There's always something that needs to be done. "Sleep when she sleeps" is seriously a joke. A man must have come up with that. Because no mom I know actually follows through with that. How will the laundry get done. How will dinner get cooked? And trust me, a 10 minute nap may be refreshing to a newborn, but it's not very refreshing to me.
Anyways, I take amitriptyline (elavil) 50mg every night. It's supposed to help prevent migraines. I just increased to that dosage a couple of weeks ago, and so far it seems to be working relatively well. The only thing is that it makes me so tired! Lexi is only getting up 1-2 times per night. Jacob does one and I do one. So, I'm probably getting enough sleep for an average adult. But, I still feel like I could sleep all day. It's a hard call to make because that's the same way I feel when I get really depressed. But, I feel like this is really exhaustion. It's like a "medicated" sleepy feeling. Like you took a tylenol pm and didn't go to bed right away. Like, I can barely keep my eyes open. I have to take it though, because I can't have 3 migraines a week. So, I've been reading about vitamins B12 and B2. They are supposed to help prevent migraines and supposedly they will give you energy. Also acai berry is supposed to give you energy. I just don't know if it's a pointless battle to take one thing that makes you sleepy only to take another thing that gives you energy. Of course I wouldn't take them all at the same time, but ya know what I mean.
I also feel like I'm cooped up in this house all day, every day, all week long. I want to get out and do things. I want to be a part of society again. But, I dread taking Lexi anywhere, especially by myself. You just never know when she's going to have a meltdown. Usually it's in the car, and the screaming is worse when you're cooped up in that small of a space.
All right, enough venting/complaining/feeling sorry for myself for one night.

I had forgotten

2009-07-07T21:33:00.002-05:00

It seemed like I was pregnant forever, but really it was such a short time and I wish I could go back to those days. Days of being unemployed and pregnant. Sleeping in and taking naps. Eating whatever I felt like, because the baby wanted it! Bedrest meant laying in bed all day and not needing an excuse! Anyways, during the time I was pregnant there are things that I forgot about.
Like my period! You never want to see the slightest speck of blood while you're pregnant, and with my history the threat of seeing blood was never far from my mind. But, thankfully this time it didn't happen! I started birth control at my 6 week postpartum visit. So, that makes this week my "off" week. It is awful! I've always heard about how awful your first postpartum cycle is...and why should I think mine would be easy...but I'm only a few days in and I'm already dying! The cramps are horrendous! Anyways, I know that's more than what some people want to know.
While I was trying to get pregnant, I guess I put all the emotions into being disappointed about not being pregnant once again, so I forgot how emotional this "time of the month" can make you. Today I cried when Michael Jackson's daughter spoke at his funeral. Granted, it was a sad moment. And maybe there's a chance I might have cried any other time. But, I wasn't ever big on Michael Jackson. But, holy moly did the tears start falling while I was watching her. Then, I'm reading another friend's blog and I find myself crying for her. Not to mention my screaming baby. She has colic, so she pretty much screams the whole time she's awake. But, we're driving in the car tonight, and she was hungry, we were on the way home. Jacob is listening to the most annoying music ever, and Lexi is screaming in the back seat. And I seriously wanted to throw myself out of the car! Maybe it's the 5 hours of sleep I got last night. Maybe it's the fact that I had to hold her down while she got 3 shots today. Maybe it's the fact that my mind is full of to-do lists that never get done. I don't know. Everyone says it's going to get easier. But, can someone tell me when?

I just want to say:

2009-06-17T22:01:00.001-05:00

I love my daughter.
I love my husband.
I don't feel like I have post partum depression. And even if I did, I'm taking an anti-depressant, so that's all I can do, right?
I'll admit that I count down the days in the week until the weekend, because I know Jacob will be here for 2 full days to help me.
I'll admit that I count down the hours that Lexi should sleep, so that I can rest also, and think about all the things I have to accomplish in that time.
I'll admit that I count down the hours from when Jacob leaves at 1:00 to go back to work from lunch, until 5:00 when he gets off work.
I love it when people come to see Lexi, but I hate feeling like I have to try to entertain another person.
I hate when other people don't do things the same way I do.
I hate the phrase "we're just worried about you."
I wish someone would tell me when Lexi will sleep through the night...because I would be counting down the days to that as well!
I love her, but I'm stressed and overwhelmed. But, a hundred people asking me if I'm okay only makes me feel more stressed. Everyone telling me they're "worried" about me makes me more stressed.
Jacob told me today that he gets the impression that I feel like Lexi is a burden to me. That's not how I feel at all. I just feel like after all night and all day, I need a break from her. She is my job. Most people work 8 hours and then they get to go home to their families and have a break from their work. When you're a mom that's not the case. There's nowhere to go to take a break...so having Jacob take care of her for a few hours is my only break. Some days it's my only chance at keeping my sanity. And I'll admit yesterday was one of those days. So, if you read my blog and thought that I feel like my daughter is burdening me...just know I was stressed, overwhelmed, had no sleep, and had been in an argument with my husband, all while my daughter is refusing to sleep. Which, speaking of, that's exactly what she's doing now!

June 16...LONG!

2009-06-16T21:42:00.002-05:00

June 16, 2009—I can’t handle the way I’m being treated around here. I understand that Jacob works. But, it’s a lot of work to stay home with Alexia all day too. I don’t get credit for that. “You stay at home all day.” I’m tired of that shit. “When I get home I have things I need to do.” Oh yeah? I have things that I need to do around here too. And I have to do them with her, by myself. There’s no one here during the day to hand her off to while I do dishes or laundry or eat 1 meal. So yeah, whenever he gets home I want to be able to hand her off to him and take a shower and rest. Apparently that’s too much to ask, because he asked me tonight when he was going to get a break. Really? When am I going to get a break? Thank goodness my mom has kept her a couple of Friday nights for us, so I can get some sleep. And Sheila and Grandma Eva have offered to come over to watch her during the day if I need a break. But, for some reason it’s so hard for me to ask for help. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like if I ask for help all I’m doing is telling the world that I can’t take care of my baby. And it feels like tonight Jacob is trying his hardest to make me feel like a horrible mom. He is forever asking me questions that I don’t have the answer to. Questions that he should know I don’t have the answer to. Lexi has a rash on her neck, inside the fat roll, from where she drools so much when she eats, and it stays wet all the time. Well, I’ve been putting desitin on it, because I don’t know what else to do for it. So, it looks worse because it’s all white and gross in there. So, he brings her over and says, “this doesn’t concern you?” Well, I don’t like that she has a rash, but I’ve been putting medicine on it, and it’s 9:00pm, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it right now. There’s nothing I can do about the way I feel about him right now either. Because I don’t want to start a fight. Because we have Lexi here and there’s nothing that either of us is going to agree on right now. Because he doesn’t care that he hurts my feelings. He doesn’t understand that he tells me that he’s going to change, but then nothing ever changes. I just want a break in the evenings. But, every day after work he has something better to do than come straight home. Then he’ll take Lexi for a little while, until he gets tired of messing with her, or until he has something “better” to do, then he hands her over to me. It pisses me off because I don’t have that option, ever! I can’t get tired of holding her or listening to her cry, because it’s me, by myself, all day, every day. But, what pisses me off the most is when I’m up with her all night and he’s laying in bed, with his head on MY pillow, sleeping. Why, as soon as I get out of bed to get Lexi does he have to roll over onto my pillow? I just want to throw something at his head! Seriously, a concussion is in his near future.
I don’t know if we need to switch her formula or what. She spits up an awful lot, and she’s been terribly fussy today. We got the thrush kind of under control and then she gets constipated for like 3 days, no poop! I finally had to give her a suppository 2 days in a row just so she could go. Then she went 2 days on her own, and now today we’re back to nothing. I don’t know what to do about that either. Today she would eat 1 oz and then fall into a deep sleep so I would lay her down. She would lay there for anywhere from 5-20 minutes and then wake up screaming. I think she’s still too young to let her cry it out, so I don’t have another choice but to go get her and hold her.
My PCP switched my Prozac to Celexa. I don’t know if it’s working or not. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to give it before I ask for something different or a different dosage. I know there isn’t going to be a miracle pill that makes me feel better. But, damn I would like to feel normal again. Sitting here tonight I want to just ball myself up in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and then sleep forever. That’s how I used to feel when I would get really depressed. Except for now I can’t do that, because I have to take care of Lexi. And I’m sure nobody wants to come over and watch her just so I can feed my depression. The migraines have been horrible lately. It seems like I get one every other day. I got medicine for it, but it doesn’t always help.
I need a job! I need a job for money, obviously. But, I also need a job for my sanity. That’s horrible, I know. I prayed for a baby for so long. And I wouldn’t give her back for anything! But, I feel like I need to go back to work now. I need time away from this house. I need a reason for Jacob to take back over some of the responsibilities around here. We used to split laundry and dishes, but since I “don’t work” I get them all! It sucks! Because like I mentioned before, it’s hard to do everything that needs to be done and still take care of Lexi.
Most of all it hurts me because he just doesn’t understand. Right now he’s sitting there talking shit about how I’m going to blog, and no one ever here’s his side of the story, and how everyone online hates him. I’m sorry if I have one way to vent. Because I sure as hell can’t talk to him about anything. Everything starts a fight and I just don’t have the energy to fight with him.

Haven't blogged

2009-06-03T00:05:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm still keeping my journal updated almost daily. But, seeing as how I might get stalked out by certain people, some of the journal entries will remain on my computer only and not be posted! Things have been crazy around here. Lexi has an ear infection, so she's taking antibiotics. Now she has thrush on her tongue from the antibiotics. I haven't taken her to the dr. yet..that's tomorrow...but I'm pretty sure it's thrush. Hopefully he'll look in her ears and tell me that they are getting better. And hopefully she will get some medicine for her tongue, because apparently thrush is very painful...and she acts like it is. I'm going to see my PCP tomorrow about postpartum depression and my headaches. He's the one that prescribed the prozac a while back, so he has to be the one that changes the medicine or dosage or whatever, not my OB. I feel like I have PPD, but not like you hear about on the news. I don't want to hurt myself or Alexia. I just feel like the depression I was already battling is more exaggerated now. Whenever it would get really bad before I would lay in bed for days...and that's how I feel now. But, I can't do that because I have to take care of Lexi. I would never hurt her! I love her with every piece of me! I understand that some people are concerned about me because of things I have posted on facebook or twitter. Those are my feelings at that exact moment. I'm sorry I called my newborn "needy" but she is sick and has been awfully needy lately. When she came home from the hospital she was perfectly content to sit in the bouncy seat all day. Now, she just wants to be held all the time. I consider that a personality change, and I consider it needy...sorry if you take offense to that. I'm glad people are concerned, but I don't think it warranted that big of an ordeal! Anyways...
The BP medicine is helping my BP, but not my head like the PA thought it would. So, when I see the PCP tomorrow I will hopefully be able to get some headache medicine. I'm just worried because you can't take many depression medicines and migraine medicines together, but I don't know how they pick which one is worse! I also worry because I can't take anything that's going to knock me out or make me feel loopy! I'm here with Lexi all day, and Jacob can take care of her in the evenings, but I do nights because he works...so I need to be somewhat alert even at night!
Well, if things calm down and my journal/blog can get back to normal things will be updated more often!

May 23, 2009

2009-05-23T14:23:00.002-05:00

May 23, 3009-Jacob’s mom had a heart attack yesterday. By far one of the scariest moments of my life. I was here with Alexia, getting ready to go to the dr. She had just started to wake up and fuss so I needed to change and feed her, but my hands were shaking so bad that I couldn’t hardly do anything. I kept trying to get ahold of my mom because she was picking me up to take me to the dr. I decided to let mom take Lexi out to her house and I would go to the hospital with Jacob. I’m so proud of Jacob for staying so calm and so strong throughout the whole thing. I guess Tanner wasn’t handling it very well, so Jacob had to be strong for him also. When we got to the hospital we found out that she wasn’t stable enough in the ambulance so they called life flight. The helicopter flip-flopped back and forth with which hospital they were going to go to, and finally decided on Hillcrest. By the time they got here there she had enough medication to stabilize her. We were able to go back and talk to her. She was convinced she was fine and could go home. They admitted her to the heart hospital and told her she had a mild heart attack and they needed to find out the reasons. There is definitely an electrical reason, but they are doing more tests to determine if there is also blockage. Mom, Dad, Lisa, and Kristin kept Lexi last night…and apparently she slept pretty well for them! Of course, she’s just out to get me! I decided since we would probably be just sitting at the hospital all day that I would stay home so when they were ready they can bring Lexi home. So, Jacob headed up to the hospital. Sheila will be at the hospital at least until Tuesday, probably even towards the end of next week. On Tuesday they are going to do the heart catheterization and test for blockages. That will determine if they have to put stents or anything in. The doctors made it sound like everything is a pretty easy fix. That it was a pretty mild heart attack, and she should be back to normal pretty quick. Thank goodness! We need to spend some time away from hospitals!

Hate!

2009-05-20T09:35:00.004-05:00

I hate bitchy people! Why do people do things to purposely hurt others? Get over yourself for long enough to realize that you are not the only person in the world. Your "best friend" has other friends too! Your "best friend" had other "best friends" before you. Just because someone doesn't like you, doesn't mean they are jealous of you.
Ugh, it just bugs me! Especially when it's family members that are getting hurt! I just don't understand how someone can be so stuck on theirself. I mean, I remember people being like that in jr. high and high school...but I was sure all of that would stay there. Oh no, we have grown adults acting like teenagers. We all remember those people in high school who thought they were "the shit." I remember hating those people! Guess what? I still do! Get over yourself!
I'm done now!

May 20, 2009

2009-05-20T08:46:00.002-05:00

May 20, 2009-Another day started way too early, with way too little sleep. I guess it was decent sleep, but it started way too late! After her 11:00 feeding Alexia didn’t go back to sleep until after 1:00. Jacob got up with her sometime after I put her down, and I’m not really sure how long he stayed up with her. But, then she ended up sleeping until 4:30. Which was really good. But, then it seemed like her sleep was restless after that. She woke back up around 6:30. I fed her and she was pretty awake once again. I put her back in the car seat and Jacob got up with her for a little bit. Then when it was time for him to start getting ready for work I got up, fed her another oz. and put her back down. Her sleep was really restless still, and was bugging me enough that I couldn’t sleep. So, I just decided to get up. I brought her into the living room, and of course she seems to be pretty content. I’m sure as soon as I would lie down she would wake up though! Today is one of those days where I feel like I could lay in bed all day. I don’t know if it’s just from being up until 1 and then not getting much sleep after that, or if it’s the depression. I really wish there was someone I could call that could come watch her, at least for a few hours so I could sleep some more. But, I don’t really know who that would be on a Wednesday morning. But, I just can’t keep doing 5 hours of sleep a night! I feel guilty about calling Jacob’s mom to come watch her, because I know she has other things to do, and she’s probably still asleep herself. My family all works…except for my Grandma, and I’m not sure she would come over and watch her by herself while I sleep. So, I just don’t really have a lot of options!
Alexia also seems like she has a stuffy nose. I tried to use the bulb syringe, but neither one of the ones I have are small enough to fit in her nose…hmm. So, now I get to listen to her snore/grunt/groan/breathe heavy. Fun times!

May 10, 2009

2009-05-10T23:12:00.002-05:00

May 10, 2009-Mother’s Day-Today was the best Mother’s Day ever! Alexia didn’t get to come home, but I got to spend the day with her, and that’s all that matters! They moved her over to the open crib at 9:00 this morning. She did really good all day with her temps and feedings. Mom was there this morning when the dr. did rounds. He said she should be home in a couple days. The nurse said Wednesday at the latest. So, we know she will be coming home one day this week! I know that’s all only as long as she continues to do well. But, right now I have no reason to believe that she won’t do well. When they weighed her tonight she weighed 5lb 7.1oz. She gained a whole ounce today! She managed to pee on her daddy today! And she managed to poop 6 times during 1 diaper change. It was crazy…and it was crazier because Jacob was laughing uncontrollably! The saddest thing was that she got it on her clothes so we had to change her, but she kept pooping so she laid there naked for the longest time, and I know she was losing body heat. But, she was still above the coverline after we fed her, so she’s doing better. I just can’t wait to have her home with me, so I don’t have to worry about taking her temperature all the time. She also cried for about 30 minutes today because she was hungry and it wasn’t time for her feeding yet. I’ll be glad when I don’t have to worry about that either. I know babies should have a schedule, but I don’t think it needs to be so rigid that when she’s hungry 30 minutes before a feeding she can’t eat. She will set her own schedule for the time being! I’m still pumping. Not near as often as I should. But, I feel like I’m doing the best I can do right now. It’s been 2 days since I’ve tried to nurse, so I probably won’t go back to that anymore. Part of me feels sad, because I feel like it’s something I should do. But, the other part of me just feels relieved that she’s not having to work so hard to eat. I’m not sure how long I will even last with the pumping though. Its hard work and I know it will get more difficult once she’s here and I’m taking care of her and trying to pump. Jacob told me I was just lazy…which is probably partially true. But, I feel like there is only so much I can do right now…and I just feel so exhausted all the time. I know that’s going to get worse once she comes home also, because I won’t be getting full night’s sleep, like I have been since I came home from the hospital. I’m sure there will come a day while Jacob’s at work and Lexi and I are home that I just go to the store and buy a can of formula. I feel horrible and torn about that. Kristin and Brandon went to church today and asked for special prayers for us. I’m so glad she did. Prayers are the only thing getting us through this right now. I know it’s not as hard as what a lot of NICU parents have gone through. But, we went through a whole lot to get to this point. And this is a hard experience for us. Everyone goes through their own thing, and we have been very lucky that Alexia is doing so well. She could have been way smaller and way less healthy. But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that our baby has been in the NICU for a week, and we have to come home without her every night. I just look forward to the day (coming soon) when we will all be here like a normal family!

May 7, 2009

2009-05-07T21:14:00.001-05:00

Alexia is wonderful today! They took her feeding tube out, and it’s great to see her beautiful little face without it. They also took her out of the isolette. She’s staying a little cool, but they’re keeping her bundled up, as to hopefully not have to go back in the isolette. That would be a setback for us. The physical therapy and carseat training wore her out today, but she still ate her meals like a champ! The only thing we’re waiting on is her temp! It was still super hard to leave her tonight. But, I told her she was already stronger than her mommy! She is so peaceful in the hospital, whereas I was awful and breaking the rules the whole time I was there! Nursing is still up in the air for me. I’m still pumping though, and my milk came in today, so it’s reassuring! I nursed for a while at her noon feeding, but the before and after weights weren’t very different, so I got discouraged. She seems like she’s working so hard, and if she’s not getting anything for all her trouble I don’t want to do it. The nurse said she thought the scales were messed up because she seemed to be doing a really good job sucking and swallowing. And she told me it would be way easier once we got home. I’m still trying to decide what I want to do. The lazy part of me says “screw it.” Just bottlefeed with formula and be done with it. But the MOMMY in me knows the breastmilk is better for her. That’s the only thing keeping me going, is that I don’t want to let her down in any way. I’m considering pumping and bottlefeeding. Even though it seems like twice the work, it may end up being easier on her. I won’t make a final decision until she’s home though. We’re still keeping our fingers crossed for tomorrow or Saturday!

May 6, 2009

2009-05-07T21:12:00.004-05:00

Kristin came and got me this morning and took me to the hospital to see Alexia. Jacob went to work today to try to save up his time off for when she’s actually at home. When we got there I was disappointed to see that she was still in the isolette. I was hoping they had moved her to a regular bed overnight. We talked to her for a while and pretty much just stared at her…amazed by her beauty and perfection. We left to run to Target to pick up some more things that I realized I needed, and then we went and ate lunch. When we got back she had already had her noon feeding and was back asleep. They had put the cutest little purple bow in her hair! The lactation consultant came and talked to me for a while and told me we would try to breastfeed at the 3:00 feeding. Aunt Linda and Uncle Charlie came by to see her and to drop off the pump that Mindy gave me. They stayed for a while. The physical therapist came in and pretty much worked her over! She moved all her joints in her arms and legs and then tested her sucking. She was perfect, of course! They let me take her temperature and change her. She hates having her temperature taken because you have to hold her arm down over the thermometer…she likes to be able to move freely. I went to change her diaper and as soon as I folded it down she started pooping some more, thanks a lot! So, I folded it back up and let her sit there for a little bit. When I folded it back down she started to pee. Amazing timing! So she finally finished her business and let me change her. The lactation lady came back and weighed her so we would know how much she ate while she was nursing. She did really well nursing, according to the consultant. She latched on pretty well and sucked good. They only let her nurse for 15 minutes because they don’t want her to get too tired and not get enough to eat. So, after that time I fed her the rest with a bottle. She did really well, and they were able to turn the heat down on her bed a little more. The 3:00 feeding didn’t go so well. Aunt Valerie had come to see her and had just left. I don’t really think she was hungry…she didn’t want to wake up to try to eat. She ate good for a while and then stopped. She pooped while she was eating and then she got really fussy. I knew she probably wouldn’t eat with a poopy diaper so I changed her again and started to feed her the rest of the bottle. She took it pretty well but as soon as I moved her she spit up, big time. It scared me to death, because it seemed like she had spit up everything she just ate. And then her monitor started going off, so that terrified me too. To top it all off there wasn’t a nurse in sight. She didn’t act like spitting up bothered her though. She just spit up and then went back to sleep. The nurse finally came down and turned the monitor off…it was just beeping because I was standing up and the lines were moving. The nurse changed her clothes and wrapped her back up, and she was sleeping peacefully. But, because she spit up they didn’t take out the feeding tube. It hasn’t been hooked up to anything for the past couple of days, but they are waiting to make sure everything is good before they take it out. They took the IV out of her hand sometime during the night or this morning, because it was out when we got there. Lisa and Kristin left and Jacob and I hung around for a little while longer. I started to tell her goodbye and that we would see her in the morning. But, as soon as I even start thinking about leaving I start crying. Let’s just say I’m not a very pretty cryer…I get loud and red and ugly! So, I tried to keep as quiet as possible while telling her how much I love her. I tell her every day that she has to eat like a big girl so that they will take that yucky tube out of her nose, and then she can come home with us. Hopefully she hears me and takes it to heart! It’s so hard to leave her there! I know it will make it all worth while once she’s home…and I will be able to rest assured that she’s perfectly healthy. But, it’s just so hard to come home without her every day. I want to be able to hold her whenever I feel like it, and kiss her whenever I feel like it. I don’t want to have to stare at her through a glass box, and touch her through little holes. It’s weird because I feel helpless while I’m there…like I should be doing something. But, then I feel awful when I’m not there. I feel guilty for not getting up super early to go sit with her all day. But, there’s nothing I can do there. I don’t want to feel guilty…I just want her here with me. Sometimes I want to ask why. What did I do to deserve this? I waited so long for her. Why did these last few weeks have to happen the way they did? Why does she have to be in the NICU? Why couldn’t one aspect of my pregnancy/motherhood be normal? I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying extra hard that she will at least be home before Mother’s Day.

May 5, 2009

2009-05-05T00:20:00.002-05:00

May 5, 2009-12:14 am- I’ve taken my ambien, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet. Because all I can think about it how I’m going to have to leave Lexi here tomorrow while we go home. I’m so ready to go home…I’ve been wanting to go home since the day I got here. But, I don’t want to go home without her! I’ve waited so long to have her, and now they’re telling me that I’m going to have to wait some more to bring her home. I don’t feel like I have the strength to do that. Right now I feel like Jacob is going to have to carry me out of there.
I’ve been pumping as much as I can for her, but it just seems like so little. It’s discouraging. The lactation consultant said I was doing great with it, but I don’t feel great about the output I’m giving. Hopefully things will go better once my milk actually comes in. And I hope it comes in soon. I feel bad for not going to see her more. But, when I’m down there it’s just a reminder that I can’t take her home yet. They won’t even let us take her out and hold her. Even if it ends up being just a couple of days, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t leave here without her, I just can’t!

May 4, 2009

2009-05-04T19:43:00.003-05:00

I got to feed Alexia her noon feeding. I’ve been pumping for her. She has a feeding tube in and she has an IV for fluids. Hopefully her feedings will continue to increase over the next 24 hours and they will be able to take the feeding tube out. I think they said they’ve used it 2 times today only, so that’s great! Hopefully my milk comes in soon so I will be able to give her more of what she needs. I’m probably going to get to go home tomorrow, but she’s probably going to have to stay a couple more days. I really am not looking forward to leaving without her. She looks so good…I just want to pick her up and take her home with me! She is in an isolette right now to help her stabilize her body temperature. Her setting was on 30.5 tonight. Once it gets down to 27 they will put her in a regular bed! I wish all the people who have visited at the hospital could go down to see her, but Jacob has to go with them, and he feels bad leaving me up here by myself. It’s hard to go down there only for a few minutes, and not get to hold her, and then have to come back up here. I feel bad for not going down there more often, but they won’t let me hold her, and I don’t want to disturb her sleeping. She is the most amazing, beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She’s perfect in every single way! I love her so much already! It doesn’t seem real that she’s mine. A part of me still doesn’t believe that I have a baby. I’m sure that’s because I haven’t really gotten to spend a lot of time with her. I just can’t wait to take her home with me! She’s mine forever! I’m so lucky to have her!

Alexia's Birth Story

2009-05-04T19:41:00.002-05:00

7:00-They put me on the monitor for an hour to watch Alexia. She was doing great. When the nurse came and took the monitor off she said I had 1 contraction. I had felt it, but it wasn’t anything major!
11:30-They came and gave me my ambien!
11:40-Came in to check my BP 172/117! The nurse said she was going to call the dr. and would let me know what she said. She came back and told me they were moving me to a labor/delivery room. I started calling Jacob, my sisters, and mom to let them know what was going on. I still thought that it would be a while though. Once I got down to the labor/delivery room they started to check me for dilation. She asked when I was last checked…Monday, I was a fingertip. She proceeds to tell me I’m 5-6 cm dilated! Wow, this is going to happen a lot sooner than I thought! She went to call the dr. and let her know and call the anesthesiologist to come down to do my epidural. Everyone started to get there. Only 3 people could come back at a time, so everyone kinda took turns letting me know they were there and then Jacob, Mom, and Sheila settled in for the long haul! They came and did my epidural, which wasn’t near as bad as what I expected it to be! The hardest part was crunching over, since I’m so short and so pregnant, and there’s nowhere for my belly to go. The nurse was really great although because of the ambien I can’t even remember her name! After the epidural it gets a little foggy! I recommend everyone take ambien during delivery! I was the most comfortable I had been in a long time! So, I drifted in and out of sleep for the next 5 hours! At 5:00 am they told me I was 8-9 cm and could start pushing. If you would have asked me, I would not have told you it was 5:00am. It felt like I had just been down there a few minutes! I could feel the contractions just enough to know when to push. I got in 3 good pushes per contraction…I felt like I could do more but apparently my face was purple from not breathing! They put the oxygen mask on me towards the end. At 5:36 am Alexia Rosemay arrived! She was 5lb 5oz and 17 ¾ long. She is the most amazing thing I have ever seen.
I guess after delivery my temp dropped pretty low and they were concerned about that. My reflexes were also doing something weird, either way too reactive, or not reactive enough, I don’t really remember.
After they brought me back to the postpartum room they put me on an IV of magnesium sulfate for my BP, and IV fluids. They came in to check on me and take me to the bathroom (they took the catheter out right before I delivered.) I felt like I could walk to the bathroom, but made it there and almost passed out. Everything started to box in and I felt like I couldn’t hear. So, they wheeled me back to bed. I guess it was from the magnesium. So from then on they let me use the bedside chair. It was all I could do throughout the night to get out of bed and use that. I felt like my legs were jello. They came in every 2 hours to check my BP and reflexes. I tried to stay awake as long as I could during the day while my family was here, but it felt like I just couldn’t hold my eyes opened. I slept really well considering a felt like crap. They came in at 5:30 and took me off the magnesium. Within a couple of hours I felt so much better. They won’t take the heplock completely out until 24 hrs later though.

May 1

2009-05-02T20:58:00.004-05:00

Well, I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight last night…I just had a lot running through my mind that I couldn’t let go. Bad idea, because they started coming in and out of my room about 4 am. That’s when they needed to take my BP again. But, then she started asking me questions about how much water I had drank since 7 pm. Who asks all these questions when I was clearly asleep? Then they came back in at 7 and took my BP again. I finally just got up at 7:30 and ate my breakfast. Apparently they lost my menu because I changed rooms, so I just got a generic breakfast, I’m pretty sure I had picked to have a doughnut this morning, but just got bacon and eggs. We did the monitoring again this morning, and she said I didn’t have to do it for a whole hour as long as everything looked good…so that’s nice. Alexia wasn’t moving a whole lot so she had me drink some water to perk her up. She doesn’t normally move a whole lot in the morning, but after I drank the water she did start moving a lot. They took my heplock/iv thing out because it was hurting and they don’t think I will need it immediately. Then I got to take a shower. Now I’m waiting for mom to get up here. Hopefully she sneaks me a dr. pepper before Jacob gets here to find out! My back already hurts today from this bed, but there’s not a lot to do about that! Aunt Trish came by today. She was in town for court for Lily’s adoption. Everything went good and they now have visitation rights! She brought me some fruit and magazines and almonds! Mom brought me m&m’s and dr. pepper! My BP has been kinda high today…the bottom number has been in the 90s instead of 80s. But, Alexia was good on the monitor. We’ll see what happens on the monitor tonight. Well, she looked good on the monitor tonight also. I had 1 contraction while I was on there for an hour. Hmmm…that’s not enough! Grandma Eva called and talked to me for just a little bit. Jacob didn’t make it up here until around 7, and then he left at 9. I thought he was going to stay all night with me since it’s Friday and he won’t have to work tomorrow. But, I knew as soon as he walked in with no bags that he wasn’t. It does upset me, but I’ve been upset every day since I’ve been here. I was on the monitor when he left again though, so I couldn’t get too upset. He said his mom and dad are coming up here tomorrow. His dad is bound to raise my blood pressure some! He’ll probably get kicked out for being loud! Mom is going to bring dad up here some time tomorrow also, and then Kristin and Brandon are going to come later. Right now I’m just tired of being in this bed. I wish I could at least get up and sit on the couch or in the rocking chair for a while. I’m also tired of having to unhook the leg massagers every time I have to go to the bathroom. They also told me I will have to continue to measure the quantity of my urine the whole time I’m here…I hate that also! I just want her to be here already!

May 2

2009-05-02T20:58:00.003-05:00

35 weeks 5 days-The dr. on call came in this morning. She said pretty much we’re going to wait through the weekend and let Alexia grow a little bit and we’ll talk more next week about what’s going to happen. Mom and Dad came up today for a few hours. It was good to see Dad, I hadn’t seen him since I came up here. Jacob got up here around 11 and left around 6. I wish he would have stayed longer, or stayed the night, but oh well. Of course after he left I had my little meltdown. I just don’t feel like I can do this anymore. Physically and emotionally it’s too much. I know it’s what I have to do, I don’t have an option, but I just don’t feel like I can. This is the most depressed I’ve felt in a while. I want to just sleep all day and wake up to have it be over. But, there are so many people in and out of here. I feel like when mom or anyone else is here I need to be up and talking to them, because they came to see me. And I feel like the nurses/doctors wouldn’t look highly on my sleeping all day. Alexia was good on the monitor again tonight. I had 1 contraction while I was hooked up. Not enough to even mention! Jacob will be back tomorrow, and mom. I just want this to be over soon.

April 30

2009-05-02T20:57:00.001-05:00

We did finally move rooms this afternoon. We are in a postpartum room. It’s about the same size as the other room, with a little more seating. I’m guessing this is where I’ll come back after Alexia finally decides to make her entrance. It was a very quiet morning down in the other room. I had no visitors, as Jacob and my mom both had to work. Sheila called and let me talk to Averie on the phone, and Grandma Eva called and talked to me. When we moved down here I could already tell that our nursing care was going to be better. I had so many nurses in and out of my room when I first got down here getting me weighed and all set up. It was so good to know that maybe someone will be checking in on us. Jacob got here and ate dinner, and we just watched tv and chatted. The same things we would do if we were at home! Right before he left they were coming in to hook me up to the monitors for the non stress test, so I couldn’t have my emotional breakdown that I’ve had the past 2 nights, because I knew it would affect the test. The test was good though, I pushed a button every time she moved so they could compare her heartrate to her movement. I talked to dad again tonight, and wasn’t as emotional. And talked to mom on the phone later. She’s going to be back up here tomorrow to take care of me and cut my hair! We’re all keeping our fingers crossed for a weekend baby! We’re all just so ready for her to be here!

April 29

2009-05-02T20:56:00.002-05:00

Jacob came back this morning. Mom came a little bit later after she had some stuff to do at work. They both brought me magazines and I’ve been working on my wordsearch book. I’m halfway through though, so he’s going to have to bring me another one! It was a pretty boring day. I took a shower and fixed my hair and makeup though and that made me feel a little better about myself. The nurses were better today, but still no sign of when we’ll be changing rooms. We’re also back to measuring my urine because apparently I’m not producing enough urine. Here’s the deal. I’m connected to these leg massagers 24/7 so I don’t get blood clots in my legs from not moving around. So, everytime I need to go to the restroom, I have to unhook from them. It sucks! Especially during the night. And I feel like I have a constant urge to pee, like I’m going to explode if I don’t go, and then I get in there and it’s a few drops. So, granted, I haven’t been drinking a whole lot because I don’t want to get up to pee, I still think I’m doing okay, if you measure all the urine from 1 hour at the same time, instead of measuring it every time I go…every 10 minutes! Jacob left again tonight, to go home and do some laundry and get ready for work, he’s going back tomorrow. I cried uncontrollably after he left. And just overall felt good and sorry for myself. Then dad called to see how I was doing and that sent me over the edge again. I think I did okay on the phone with him. I’m sure he knew I was crying, but I don’t think it was out of control. It was just really sweet to hear from him. He was the kind of dad that you knew loved you, even if he didn’t say it a whole lot. So, for him to call me and put his emotions out there was overwhelming for me! I know the longer we are here, the better Alexia will do, but I’m so ready for her to be here and for us to be able to go home!

April 28

2009-05-02T20:54:00.001-05:00

Sheila came up first thing in the morning to be up here with us. She was convinced they were going to induce today and she wanted to be here! Somehow my nurses fell through the cracks. Because I hadn’t been admitted yet I didn’t have a nurse. So, just whoever felt like checking on me is who did. I did have a really great nurse named Suzy, and a really great night nurse named Christen. But, Sheila had to go get my breakfast and lunch trays and then take them back down. It was awful! My dr. was so busy that day because she was the dr. on call. She had a lot of surgeries and emergencies. She didn’t end up getting to see us until like 7:00. She had no idea that I had been treated that way, and said that I would be moving rooms so it would be different. She said we would be admitted until delivery. All Jacob could do was smile, because he was so happy to know what was going to happen. And he knew we were going to be getting the best treatment, and there would be no more stressing out at home. However, all I could do was cry. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be growing big at home and finishing things up. Finishing all the plans that I started! And that’s not how it’s going to end up. She said my 24 hour urine sample came back with a protein level of 250. If it gets to 300 we will most likely induce. With that combined with the blood pressure. If it stays the way it is there’s a chance we will make it to 37 weeks and induce then. Unless my BP goes way up and stays up, and then we would induce for that. She also said that if I went into labor now she wouldn’t stop it. It’s really hard to induce labor while you’re on hospital bedrest though! That night we decided I wouldn’t have to be monitored constantly, just an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. And my bp/temp every 4 hours. So, I slept much more comfortably that night. They are also giving me ambient to help me sleep! Thank goodness, it’s a life saver. Because all I do is sit here and stress about what I could/should be doing at home! Jacob went home to sleep because he was so uncomfortable here, but he promises to be back in the morning.

hospital bedrest

2009-04-29T19:37:00.003-05:00

Sitting here sucks! They finally admitted me last night, after being here for more than 30 hours not knowing what was going to happen. When my dr. finally came in and said I would be staying, all I could do was cry. I know this is what is best for Alexia, but it's not how it's supposed to be. I'm suppsed to be at home finishing her room and waiting for her. Instead I'm sitting in a bed getting poked daily, collecting my urine, hooked up to too many monitors, surrounded by people who worry. I'm 35 weeks 2 days, today. My dr. would like to wait until 37 weeks to deliver, but she doesn't seem to think I'll make it that far. My protein in my urine is creeping up, and my blood pressures are all over the place. I finally got to take a shower today, and I felt much better after that. I'm trying to make myself look decent for the people who show up to visit. My headache comes and goes...sometimes Tylenol helps, sometimes it doesn't. I did actually sleep pretty well last night...a combination of exhaustion, crying too much, and ambien. My back hurts from sitting in this bed. I can't find a comfortable position that lasts very long...and I try to be sitting up when people are here, but that's especially uncomfortable! I don't mean to complain, this just isn't how I wanted it to be. But, I keep telling myself that the next time I go home I will have Alexia with me! That makes me happy!

Don't know what to do

2009-04-27T08:54:00.004-05:00

This is just a vent. It's probably not going to flow, or make any kind of sense...but I need to put it out there just to get it out of my head.
My BP has been out of control for a week now. I've been having crazy headaches, probably because of it. I've also been to labor and delivery twice. It's all disconcerning. All I want is for Alexia to be healthy. Everything I've read about high BP in pregnancy is not good...especially over a long period of time. All the blood vessels get constricted, causing the headaches, but even to the baby. So, the baby loses out on oxygen and nutrients. She has always been fine on the monitors when my BP has been high, so that makes me feel better. And even now she's moving pretty good (especially for morning)...she's more of a night person! But, I've also been told that the inconsistency in the BP isn't good either. And mine seems to fluctuate. It's just so wierd because I never had high BP before. Throughout the whole pregnancy it's been perfect at every visit. Then I get a week long headache and somebody says I should get it checked...come to find out it's through the roof.
I don't want to go back to labor and delivery if it's not necessary. Especially since I've been there twice. I don't want to be that freaky first time mom who goes in 200 times! But, I worry! I go to the dr. twice a week now, and I don't want her to send me to labor and delivery every time I go in!
I'm on bedrest...and I'm not so great at it! But, it's especially hard on the weekends and evenings when Jacob is home. Or this weekend we had so many people in and out of the house, cleaning, etc. I'm so thankful for all of that, but I felt like I should be up doing something! Even though every time I got up someone told me to sit down. By Saturday night my feet were swollen and my BP was high enough to warrant a page to the on-call dr. She told me it was up to me...thanks a lot! She said it may be the same as before where I stay for a couple hours and then go home, or they may admit me to hospital bedrest...because "some people just don't follow the rules on at home bedrest." Yep, that would probably be me! But, I also don't want to be on hospital bedrest for any amount of time.
My dr. had talked about inducing if we couldn't get the BP and headaches under control, even though there hasn't been protein in my urine. I will do whatever my dr. tells me to do. I trust her fully. I just know these last few weeks are so important to Alexia's health. So, I would like for her to stay in as long as she can. But at the same time, I'm ready for her to be here. I'm ready for this to be over with. I absolutely love being pregnant, and I will miss it terribly. And this may be the only time I get to experience it. But, with all the ups and downs, I just feel out of control. And that's not good! I'm a very controlling person. And I've planned and planned...which of course, just makes it more disappointing when you get thrown for a loop!
At this point I just want someone to give me a definate answer. "DO THIS." I would be more than happy to give over control this one time!

Labor and Delivery: Part 2

2009-04-24T19:32:00.002-05:00

I had my dr's appt. today. We were there forever! My dr. seems to constantly be running behind. My BP has been high all day and I've had a headache since I got up this morning. Still no protein in my urine though. But, she sent me over to labor and delivery for monitoring since it's the weekend. Before I left she said "I'll see you on Tuesday if you don't have the baby before then." WTF! She had me kinda scared, because she was talking like they were going to induce! We went over to labor and delivery and got hooked up. Stayed about 2 hours. My BP was high the entire time I was there. They did more bloodwork and it all came back good so they sent me home. The dr. on call from my office said that if my headache got worse to come back. She also told me if I just got scared or worried I could come back in, or I could call labor and delivery directly and talk to them. Also, while I was hooked up she said I was having some contractions, but nothing regular. I guess I'll finish packing my bag! And give someone in my family a key to my house, because I was so worried about how they were going to get in to get the rest of my stuff for me!

Bedrest

2009-04-22T15:54:00.003-05:00

Actually, modified bedrest. My dr. wants me to still get up and move around so that I don't get any blood clots in my legs. Part of me knew from the very beginning of this pregnancy that I would end up on bedrest. And hey, who could ask for more right? You get to lay in bed all day and do nothing...which is great for me, since I pretty much didn't do anything anyways. The only problem lies here:
1)When she told me I would last about 4 more weeks before I have her, I freaked out...that's 2 weeks ahead of schedule, so there are so many things I was unprepared for.
2)The possibility of having to go on hospital bedrest is more scary because then I can't even sneak around to get things ready!
3)Boredom! I didn't know it would be this bad, but this is enhanced by the fact that I'm supposed to lay on my left side as much as possible. There isn't a whole lot you can do on your left side! I can't even see the tv very good on my left side!
4)No position is comfortable for very long! Sitting, laying, lounging...whatever it is I can't find a comfortable position for it! So I end up just flopping around like a beached whale!
I also feel bad because now Jacob has to work and then come home and do everything else! My mom and sisters are coming this weekend to help also. Which is nice, but I don't want everyone to feel like I'm helpless! I did the rest of Alexia's laundry yesterday...ssshhh! The only hard thing about doing laundry is reaching to the bottom of the washing machine! And I managed, so what's the big deal! She needed to have the rest of her clothes clean in case she decides to come early! I also worked on packing our hospital bags...fun times! So, there really won't be a whole lot for people to do when they come over to help this weekend! Jacob says he's going to have the laundry done before then so they don't have to. I am very thankful though for all the support everyone is giving me. Jacob's mom calls at least once a day to check on me. My grandma has called several times to check on me. And everyone just keeps telling me to call them if I need anything! It's nice to know that there are so many people, so close in case I need anything. That's why I chose to live in this town! Jacob didn't really understand why I didn't want to just stay in Tulsa...but maybe he understands now. Because even when he's at work he's only like 2 minutes from home! Well, off to check my other sites I creep on and do some more word searches!

1st time to labor and delivery

2009-04-20T10:19:00.002-05:00

Yep...we went to labor and delivery last night! I have been having a migraine pretty much all last week. Someone suggested that I check my blood pressure. So, Jacob's mom has a blood pressure cuff from walmart and she brought it up to us last night. The readings were around 160/104. I've heard that those cuffs aren't very accurate so we went down to the ambulance station to have them check it. And it was right on. We came home and called the dr. and she said just go to labor and delivery. We got there and they hooked me up to the monitors. Alexia was doing great the whole time...moving like crazy, she didn't appreciate all the drama! My blood pressures were still high except when I was laying on my left side. So, they came in and said we were going to stay for 23 hours. We moved to a different room, had bloodwork done, and started a 24 hour urine sample (which sucks). We were there for a while and they came in and said everything with my bloodwork was good so they were sending us home. They gave me a percocet for my headache and told me to rest. My dr. is supposed to call today to set up an appt. for tomorrow. So far my head still hurts and my BP's are still high this morning. But, I guess as long as Alexia is doing okay, I'll be okay too! There will probably be more to update on after our appt. tomorrow.

Bored and awake

2009-04-10T01:26:00.003-05:00

It's 1:26 AM here in Oklahoma. Who knows why I'm not asleep...considering that I took tylenol PM. Hmm?? Anyways...I got out of bed and came back to the living room because my typing bothers Jacob! The internet is pretty boring at 1 in the morning...no one is updating anything on message boards, so they're pretty useless. But, I have found some pretty great websites in the past couple of weeks. So I'll share them with you!

www.roflrazzi.com
www.failblog.org
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
http://totallylookslike.com/

Have fun!

Renovations

2009-04-06T13:18:00.002-05:00

I'm so happy with the house renovations! Here's a link to a few photos I took last night. http://s276.photobucket.com/albums/kk13/daniellepcos/Renovations/

Hopefully tonight we will get the crib and changing table put together. But, Jacob has been sick today, so I don't know if he'll feel up to it. I don't have any bedding to put on the crib yet, but just having it together in the nursery will make me feel better! I'll take more pictures then.

Today I got the books put back on the bookshelf. They aren't in any kind of order though, which will probably bug Jacob because he likes all the authors to be put together. But, it was an accomplishment just for me to get them on the shelf!

So, right now I'm trying to decide how to arrange the nursery. I don't want the crib too near the window, 1. because it's old and drafty and 2. because it's moldy. I know, there shouldn't be mold in there at all, but hopefully we can get something done about it soon. That room was our old bedroom and our bed was pushed right up against the window...I didn't know it was moldy for the longest time! Yuck!

Jacob's birthday is this weekend, so I need to figure out something to do for him. He said the xbox was his birthday gift, but I want to be able to do something for him. His birthday falls on Easter this year, so he will get to spend that day with his family, so that's nice. However the weather is calling for rain on Easter so that sucks! And my family will be out of town to celebrate my Grandma's birthday. I'm not able to go because my OB doesn't want you to travel more than an hour away once you pass 30 weeks. My Grandma lives 4 hours away, so that's out of the question. Hopefully some of them will get to come to the baby shower or at least come down once Alexia is born!

Watching Law and Order: CI and considering a nap this afternoon!

Today in History:

2009-04-02T20:41:00.002-05:00

April 2:

1810 - Napoleon Bonaparte marries Archduchess Marie Louise of Austria.

1902 - "Electric Theatre", the first full-time movie theater in the United States, opens in Los Angeles, California.

1917 - World War I: President Woodrow Wilson asks the U.S. Congress for a declaration of war on Germany.

1917 - The first woman ever elected to the U.S. Congress, Jeannette Rankin, takes her seat as a representative from Montana.

Births:

1743-Thomas Jefferson

1805-Hans Christian Anderson

1939-Marvin Gaye

1947-Emmylou Harris

1961-Christopher Meloni

1965-Rodney King

1975-Adam Rodriguez

Holidays:

International Children's Book Day

Ugh...

2009-04-01T19:57:00.002-05:00

I feel like my depression is kicking my ass this week. I don't know why. I've been taking my medicine regularly, and nothing in my life has really changed. But, I just feel like crap! I feel like not getting out of bed at all. I feel embarassed to talk to Jacob or my family about it. I don't want them to worry about me, and Jacob tends to get upset when I feel like this. But, I just don't know what to do differently. I feel like I don't have control of any aspect of my life. I don't have control over the house renovations. I don't have control over our money situation. I don't have control over whether Lexi is healthy or not. It kills me! And I know so many people would just say, "just don't worry about it." But, that doesn't work for me. That's all I do is worry, and when I think I have one thing figured out then I'll move onto something else. I know it's straining my marriage. But, the fact that I know all these things only makes it worse. Because I know I should feel differently and the fact that I don't makes me feel even worse about it. I just feel lost and alone!

I wish...

2009-03-31T15:59:00.002-05:00

I wish I could post a picture of every single outfit Alexia has waiting for her. Yes, I have taken pictures of them all...and it's a huge pile that grows almost daily!
I wish Alexia was here in my arms right now instead of in my belly! I love her being in there and I know I'm going to miss her little movements once she's actually here in my arms, but the anxiety is killing me! I want to know what she's going to look like. From the ultrasounds we are convinced that she's going to look more like Jacob than me. She appears to have cute chubby cheeks, and from her profile the way her little top lip sticks out looks exactly like Jacob's. He's upset...he doesn't want her to look like him...but she's going to be gorgeous! Like Sheila told me the other day. Rosemay(that's what she calls Alexia, because that's her middle name) is going to be beautiful, and Jacob is beautiful...I had e-mailed her an ultrasound picture and a picture of Jacob getting the mail in the snow!
I wish the house renovations were finished. Last week's weather didn't really cooperate, so we're hoping that this week we will get some more stuff done and maybe be able to start moving rooms!
I wish I knew what I wanted to do in Alexia's room. I don't know if I want to paint a bunch of stuff on the walls that we will want to change in a year or so when she's not a baby anymore! But, I definately want her to have a cute room!
I wish my kitchen wasn't so filthy all the time! Even if it's not filthy it looks filthy because it's so unorganized! I don't have room for all the stuff I have...but I've already gotten rid of all the stuff I don't use.
I wish I knew what I'm going to do about a job once Alexia is here. I pretty much have to find a job immediately after I have her because my unemployment runs out! I have no idea what I want to do. I don't think I want to go back to being a dental assistant. But, that's the only real experience I've had for the past 4 years. I've learned I'm not so great at the "customer service" thing, so I want to avoid that. But, I still think I could manage a receptionist or clerical position somewhere. I also considered going back to school for phlebotomy, but don't want to take all the medical asst. classes. Also looked into medical billing and coding, because you can train and work from home! That's a major plus for me. I could try to get an assistant's position at the school, and put Lexi in the daycare there, and get their health insurance. Who knows...but it's coming fast and I need to figure it out!
I wish that I wasn't so annoyed all the time! I feel like a lot of my anger/irritation gets taken out on Jacob, because he's the only person I ever see! But I keep telling myself that part of it is pregnancy hormones (hopefully!) I was off my prozac for about 2 weeks because there was a mixup with pharmacies and I couldn't find it! So, that was rough just having to quit cold turkey. And then starting back at 40mg immediately is giving me the worst migraines I've had in a while...so that makes me more irritable! I don't sleep for crap anymore! I have to get up and pee every 2 hours, even when I've had nothing to drink! And I'm still having back/hip issues! But, I hope Jacob knows that when I tell him he's annoying, it's a temporary thing! When I tell him he's irritating me, it's a temporary thing! But it's weird to be here all day by myself and then have someone else in the evenings...it's just weird.
And finally...I wish for Starbucks Venti Mocha Frappuccino every single day for the rest of my life! At least 1...but I would love to have one anytime I felt like it!

This day in History

2009-03-24T18:27:00.002-05:00

This Day in History

1837-Canada gives African men the right to vote.

1936-The longest game in NHL history was played.

1958-Elvis Presley is officially inducted into the US Army.

1998-Jonesboro Massacre

Birthdays:

1930-Steve McQueen

1951-Tommy Hilfiger

1953-Louie Anderson

1965-The Undertaker

1970-Lara Flynn Boyle

1974-Alyson Hannigan

1976-Peyton Manning

thoughts

2009-03-22T22:48:00.002-05:00

Just some thoughts.
*Why do the people who deserve something the most, have to wait the longest for it? I know women who would be great mothers, with stable lives and husbands, who struggle to get pregnant. Why can't they just have a baby?*

*Why does it seem like someone is always waiting for their Mr./Mrs. Right? Chances are you're going to meet this person through someone you know, or from somewhere you go, shop, work, etc. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel guilty because Jacob was practically dropped in my lap. And from day 1 it just worked. We had our ups and downs, but it was love! So, we knew we would get married. I feel guilty because there are people out there who have been searching their whole lives for this person...this person that is meant to be their other half. Why do we have to wait so long? Why do we have to date all the wrong guys/girls in order to find the right one? I know everything happens when God is ready for it to happen. Trust me I understand that concept, but when you're on the receiving end of that statement, you want to stab the person saying it to you. It doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make the waiting go by faster. It doesn't tell you what you're doing "wrong." I wish I had answers to these questions. I wish I could find people for the lonely people in my life. Because I want them to be able to share the same joys and happiness that I share with my husband.
*I've always felt guilty to have something that someone else didn't have. * One time in elementary school Lisa and I saved up 100 pennies each to buy a sucker at lunch time. Lisa was part way through with hers and she dropped her sucker in the dirt. There was no way for us to clean it off. So, the only options for me were to give her my sucker, and if she wouldn't take mine, I would throw it away too. I don't remember what decision was made. But, that's how my life has been. I remember accidentally pushing Adam off Grandma Eva's porch out on the ranch and he got hurt and cried. Well, there I was crying with him because he had gotten hurt. Even with everything I've been through with PCOS and miscarriages, the whole time I was going through that (more than 2 years) of not know whether or not I would have kids or not. The only thing I prayed for was of course for God to bless me with a baby that would stay in my womb for 9 months, and for no one else in my family to have this! PCOS can be genetic, and I don't want my sisters to have to go through this. It is so much easier for me to go through it on my own than to have to stand by and watch someone else go through it. It's too hard for me to do that. I would rather just take all the pain on myself. So, please God don't let my sister's have this horrible disease! I know all parents want their children to grow up and do better for themselves than what the parents were able to do for themselves. That's why they push us to go to college and get degrees and make something of our lives. But, then that happens and I feel bad for it. We have health insurance and dental insurance...something that my parents never had. They had dental insurance for us kids, but they never used it on themselves. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty that if my TV goes out tomorrow, I will find a way to buy a new one. I feel guilty that if I get sick I will go to the dr. I feel guilty that if something happens and I don't know what to do, I will go to the ER and it will be taken care of. Our parents raise us to be better than they were, but why does it feel so crappy to actually make that goal?
*I became overwhelmed at church today. I've been thinking a lot about how hard it's going to be once Alexia gets here. Now, I don't worry about money, finances, that's Jacob job. I worry about how am I going to be a good enough mom to her. How am I going to give her enough love? Then standing in church today I realized that I'm responsible for bringing her to know Christ. How will I ever tell this little girl about how God blessed our lives with her? Will she ever understand that we prayed and prayed for her and God finally found the perfect little angel to come live with us? I find relief in knowing that she will know God from the very beginning of her life. *

Red Envelope Day

2009-03-20T20:58:00.001-05:00

The Freedom of Choice Act ( FOCA) is a proposed national law before congress that would remove all state and local restrictions on abortion.
This would mean partial birth abortions would be legalized, religious hospitals would have to shut down if they refuse to do abortions, christian doctors could be sued for refusing abortions, our tax dollars would go towards abortion, and much more.
Red Envelope Day is on March 31st, 2009. People around the country will be sending red envelopes to the White House. It is asked that you write on the back of the envelope this:
"This envelope represents one child who died because of an abortion. It is empty because the life that was taken is now unable to be a part of our world. Responsibility begins with conception."

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

http://www.fightfoca.com/

Walls are up!

2009-03-20T10:05:00.002-05:00

That's right, the walls are up, well the framework anyways. The carpenter has finished his work here. The "nursery" turned out way smaller than what I thought it was going to, so I had to make new plans. What was going to be a nursery will now just be an entryway. Our new bedroom is HUGE! I'm talking gigantic...considering we lived in an apartment and then our room right now is tiny...like room for the bed, tv, and that's it! So, this new room will have room for so much, including the pack n play for Alexia to sleep in when she comes home! Our current tiny bedroom will become Alexia's room. I know I was just talking about how tiny it is, but it is the perfect size for a nursery! Hopefully the drywall/sheetrock will be up next week and then we can start painting and moving furniture! I'm so excited to finally have progress!
Salem loved the carpenter being here. Having the front door open gave him free reign to come and go as he pleased...which usually included sleeping in the middle of the carpenter's tools!
Jacob went to the dr. today because he's been coughing and such for pretty much the whole week. It's bronchitis. I'm praying that I don't get it! It has to be a good sign that I'm not sick yet, right?!? I did go and put my toothbrush and flosser in a ziploc bag and got myself a seperate tube of toothpaste. I guess later I will Clorox light switches and doorknobs and such.
Speaking of feeling sick...I'm starting to feel the effects of not taking prozac for a week. This wasn't by choice either. I'm starting to feel the urge to lay in bed all day and do nothing but sleep. Thankfully I haven't had a major blowup with Jacob, but I know that time is coming if I don't get the medicine soon! I contacted Walmart 2 weeks ago to request a refill. They contacted my dr's office, and then I never heard anything else. I called walmart like 3 times and they said they had no response from my dr. So, I'm here thinking that he's not going to refill it for some reason. So, I called the dr's office this week. She proceeds to tell me that the refill has been approved on the 9th! So I ask where...Drug Warehouse. That's where I used to get my prescriptions filled when I worked. But, that's all the way in Broken Arrow, and I don't work now so it makes no sense for me to drive all the way over there to get prescriptions filled. Walmart requested the refill, so why the hell would they fax the refill to Drug Warehouse? Whatever, now I'm going to have to drive to Broken Arrow to pick up my prescription. I would do it today, but Jacob drove my car and I don't feel like driving his. Lisa and Kristin are watching the boys today. They asked me if I wanted to come hang out with them and watch OSU play basketball...but I don't know if I should With Jacob being sick I don't know if I'm "carrying" his germs around and could possibly spread the bronchitis to someone else. And then my dad's been sick for a while now and probably has something contagious...so I don't want his germs either! Either way I'm pretty sure I'll just hang out here today. I haven't gotten to nap the past 2 days with the carpenter here so a nap is in order!

New stuff!

2009-03-17T16:54:00.002-05:00

I got a new phone! Blackjack II!

I know that's a huge picture, I apologize, but I couldn't find a different one! I just got it last night, so I don't have it completely figured out yet. But, so far, I love it! I didn't get the internet package...because I don't really need it. I just wanted a phone that would be easier to text on!

Alexia got some new outfits this weekend! I bought 1 at Kohl's. I also got her a orange and white striped onesie from Old Navy with some White pants to go with it. I need to find her some tennis shoes to wear with it! So far all the shoes she has are pink so that won't work! And I also got her a sleeper at Old Navy. But, Aunt Lisa and Aunt Kristin hooked her up again with some super cute stuff! I also found her some ballet slipper socks at Motherhood. I can't wait to show her Granny Sheila. She used to dance ballet, she's going to be so excited!

We got the boys some outfits for their birthday from the Carter's store. They are so cute...and Jacob picked them out!

We got Alexia a new book also. It's by Max Lucado. I have so many of his books and I love him. So, I was super excited to see a children's book by him! It's called Just in case you ever wonder. Jacob read it to her last night. It's really not a baby book, but more for older kids, but it's still cute!

I started moving stuff out of the "front room" today so that when the carpenter calls everything will be ready for him. He's going to split the room into 2. 1 room with be Alexia's and 1 will be ours. We are walling over the existing front door. Our current bedroom will be turned into an entry way, and the window will become a door. I'm super excited for it to be done! I think it will help me to like the house better! And of course it's one step closer to having Lexi here!

Mom and I are going to pick our material next Friday so she can make Aubrie, Averie, and Gracie some dresses for their birthdays. We had picked some out at Carter's, but then realized that mom could do it for way cheaper...and her's will probably end up way cuter!

I still haven't gotten the pictures off my camera from vacation...I need to do that! But, anyways...I'm off to eat some pizza! I took my Zantac so hopefully the heartburn/reflux won't be too terrible! I can't help it though...I love pizza!

Vacation

2009-03-17T16:26:00.002-05:00

We spent Saturday-Monday in Branson, MO. It was me, Jacob, Lisa, Kristin, Brandon, and Zach. It wasn't our original plan for spring break...but we had so much fun! At least I think everyone did! It was Zach's first time to go to Branson, and I'm so glad we got to introduce him to some neat stuff...that kid really is FINALLY growing up! I wish we would have had more time to show him more things. Silver Dollar City didn't fit into our plans (and it wasn't open), but Brandon really wanted to go there. I love it there also! We will definately have to plan another trip when we can fit that in! Kristin wants to go back this summer with Lexi...but I don't know if that will work into our budget! We went to the Dixie Stampede. www.dixiestampede.com
If you haven't been there, you should totally go. Or if you haven't been there in a while, you should go back because they've changed the show. They also have a Christmas show that Jacob and I saw on our honeymoon and it's really amazing. Both shows could literally bring tears to your eyes (and that's not just me being pregnant and emotional)...Jacob said he almost cried this time! The first evening while we were waiting for Kristin and Brandon to get there (they had a wedding to attend), we went to Ripley's Believe it or Not. www.ripleysbranson.com
It's really cool, and I think Zach even enjoyed it! They had some neat stuff in their gift shop that I would have loved to buy (a HUGE coffee mug!) Jacob and I had been there on our honeymoon also, and we loved it! I definately wanted to go back because we didn't have our digital camera on our honeymoon so I didn't get very many good pictures! That night we ate at a neat steakhouse. www.btbones.com I feel kinda bad because Jacob and I recommended it and then it turned out to be not so great. We ate there when we went in October and the food was really great! They have live music so that's pretty neat too! But, I don't know if it's just because they were busy that night, but no one's food was really right. I especially feel sorry for Brandon, because I think he ate like 2 bites of his food! Sunday we got up and ate our free breakfast at the hotel. Amazing! Especially since it was free! I think that's one thing everyone enjoyed! We went outlet shopping! That was definately my favorite part...even though it was hard for me to walk that much! I got a pair of Nike's at the Nike outlet for $19.99...thankfully I can wear a kids size! That's the second trip in a row that I've gotten cheap Nike's. (Also Zoe and I can wear the same size now...and she always has great shoes that have been promised to me when she grows out of them!) Jacob got a pair of DC shoes that are really cute, and different for him! Zach got a couple pair of shoes. Lisa wins though...she got 3 pairs! We all ended up with a bunch of stuff and realized that all of it was not going to fit in our car on the way home! Thank goodness Brandon had room in his truck! We did Dixie Stampede Sunday evening and then we went and played Mini Golf! I pretty much suck...but hey! I could barely bend over to put my ball down and then pick it up out of the hole once I finally got it in there! But, we were all spending time together and that's what matters! We went and ate ice cream after that! Apparently my phone fell out of the camera case when we were walking in, and I didn't realize it. I didn't know until after we got back to the hotel and I was going to update my twitter. We called the mini golf and ice cream places and no one had turned it in. I'm thinking that no one would want to keep it...it is a Razr, and 2 years old! So Kristin started calling it...never got an answer, but then her phone rang! Someone had found it in the parking lot and called her because she had been calling it! So, Jacob and I drove down to the ice cream place and got it! I was so thankful to have it back...even though my contract was up and I knew I was getting a new phone, but I didn't want to lose my number and all my contacts in the phone! So being so hormonal I get back to the hotel, get in the shower and have myself a good cry! I felt so awful! Kristin and Brandon had spent like 45 minutes searching through my car in the dark and making all these phone calls trying to find it! And then Jacob had to drive me back down there to get it. And then, I was once again amazed that there are nice people left in the world! Monday we got up and ate our free breakfast again! The coffee wasn't as good the second day, but hey I shouldn't drink it anyways! Then we went to ride go-karts. There are a lot of great go-kart tracks in Branson and Kristin had showed them to Zach a while back on the internet, so he was excited to get to try them out! www.bransontracks.com I of course couldn't ride the go-karts, but I got to watch everyone else and take lots of pictures! Brandon said that Alexia needed to be trained right to go "Nascar Fast," but the sign said no! They also played Lazer tag...I got to sit in a little room and watch them...it was hilarious! Poor Zach held his gun backwards for like the whole game though and shot himself more than anyone else! We went and ate lunch at Taco Bell and then headed home! Coming home is definately the worst part of vacation! We still haven't gotten everything unpacked...but oh well! I can't wait until we can go on our first vacation with Alexia! There are so many places that I want to show her. And there are so many great stories to share along the way. I want to take her to the places Jacob and I have been...and to the places where me and my family went while I was growing up! I'm about to start the most amazing journey...and I couldn't be more excited!
Thanks for reading! Check out those links!

hormonal

2009-03-11T21:13:00.002-05:00

Okay...I guess this pregnancy is making my hormones crazy! I feel out of control.
#1 Glen, Jenn, and Zoe are going to California for a week...they are leaving tomorrow. Since they walk next door I go over there almost every other day. I've mentioned it before...I'm sure it gets on their nerves, but once Alexia gets here I feel like I'll be trapped here. I love Zoe and the boys so much! Just to see them for 30 minutes or so makes me happy! So, we walked over there today to tell Zoe bye. I bought her a Disney Princess word search book (because she told me the word searches I got her for Christmas were too hard) so she could have it for the car ride. We stayed over there and played with the boys for a while. When we got ready to walk home I gave her a hug and told her to have fun. I almost cried! I'm seriously crying now just thinking about it. I'm going to miss her! I don't know if it's just that or that I'm jealous I can't experience her trip to Disneyland with her.
#2 Zander and Zavier are staying here while they are gone on vacation. Nanny Vicky is keeping them during the week and then they are going to stay with my parents on the weekends. That means I won't be able to go see them very much during the week either. I just love those boys! The day I found out Jenn was pregnant was the day after I found out I miscarried. It was hard...I remember crying to my mom that night...because it just wasn't fair. Then the day they were born, when I came home from the hospital I called my mom crying again. Not for what might have been, but just because I already loved them so much. How is there going to be enough love in my heart for Alexia? I know there will be...but I can't imagine loving anyone any more than I love those kids!
#3 I feel like I'm constantly in pain. My back hurts, I have a toothache, acid reflux/heartburn daily...and my bladder is a trampoline. I hate complaining about it. I'm not complaining about the pregnancy...just about the pain!
#4 Me and Jacob had a stupid argument last night..but even that made me cry. But, I'm stubborn enough that he couldn't know that I cried! I had to cry alone and quietly just so he wouldn't have the "pleasure" of knowing he had gotten to me. No one breaks me...especially not him! It's all better now...but I feel so bad!
#5 My stupid PCP hasn't okayed the refill for my prozac. Hello...I need it! I requested the refill on Saturday...so the pharmacy called him Monday. I checked on it today and they still didn't have a response from him. WTF?!? Why should it take that long? I don't want to be a crazy person over vacation, so I haven't taken it the past couple of days to hopefully give me enough pills to stretch over the weekend.
#6 On CSI: New York tonight there was a car bomb. I knew it would happen, but they mentioned the OKC bombing...for some reason tonight that really tore me up!
Well, a combination of the tylenol pm and the crying during this blog has made me relatively sleepy. Hopefully I can get a good night's sleep for my root canal tomorrow!

BFN's

2009-03-04T20:59:00.002-06:00

When I got my BFP (big fat positive) I thought that the heartbreak of seeing a BFN (big fat negative) would be over. I never thought my heart could break for people I've never even met. But, it does. It doesn't get any easier to hear about someone else's cycle "failure" than it did when it was my own. I've "met" so many great people on an amazing website....www.conception-obsession.com. From the very beginning they made me feel very welcome and answered all my questions with honesty and respect. These women have gone through so much more heartbreak than I have, and they stand strong. With each failed cycle I told myself it would be my last, but something within me wouldn't stop. But, I read their stories...the years and years of heartbreak, and I don't think I could do it for that long. Even people whose blogs I've stumbled onto, my heart breaks for them. I read symptoms and look at charts, and just "know" that this will be the cycle they get their BFP. Only for it not to happen for them. And my heart breaks, I feel crushed. Maybe it's just because I truly know how they feel. Maybe it's because I feel guilty...because even though I feel like I've been through a lot, some of these women have been through so much more than me. I pray for these women daily. And I know in my heart that one way or another they will all be great mothers one day. I just wish it could be now!

3rd trimester~

2009-03-03T21:26:00.002-06:00

Monday March 2:
Congratulations you have finished your second trimester!

Tuesday March 3:
Baby's crown to rump length is 25 cm or 9.8 inches. Baby weighs about 1000-1100 grams or 2.2-2.4 pounds.

This is the last week of Month 7!!!

The dr. still hasn't called me back to let me know if I passed the 3 hr glucose tolerance test. Hmm...the waiting makes me wonder. But, I HAD to pass this time!

Lexi, as she is fondly called by Aunt Kristin, moves a TON now. But, the funny thing is. I can feel her moving and then reach my hand to my belly to feel her that way, and she will stop. Same thing, she'll be moving and I'll put someone else's hand on my belly, and she will stop. She can tell when there's extra pressure there, and she doesn't appreciate it. She moves the most after I eat...surprise, surprise! And when I'm laying down to rest in the evenings. It's so weird because I know if I could catch her moving like that I could actually SEE my belly move, but I guess she can sense that I'm "looking" at her too, because she stops! She does love to hear her bedtime stories! I read 3 books tonight and I just wanted to keep reading forever to her! Aunt Lisa brought her 3 more books this week. So, we're starting to get quite a collection, but I probably have between 100-200 books on my list that I want to get. She's going to need a bigger shelf to put her books on, than what we're using right now, because it's already almost full!

Bible Verse of the Day

2009-02-27T23:04:00.003-06:00

creeped out.....long story!

2009-02-27T21:15:00.005-06:00

Why do I always have to be creeped out by something? Last night Jacob's biological dad started calling around 11. Time out for a little back story:

Jacob hadn't seen his biological dad since he was 4, until last year. He never paid child support or anything, and was pretty much a piece of crap you beat up on Jacob's mom. He's gotten really sick recently and I guess decided to make amends. He randomly called our house last year and we went and met him. It was wierd to say the least! That's all Jacob wanted from him...was to meet him 1 time. And after that he didn't answer his calls. He doesn't want anything else to do with him. So, he just calls at random times now and leaves messages. Okay, back to last night:

We were already almost asleep, and Jacob doesn't want to talk to him anyways. He called 3 times. He left a message the 2nd time. All it said was Jacob and Danielle this is Wayne. So, after that I got freaked out. I just KNEW that he was probably outside our house stalking us. So, I laid here for a while and then had to get up and check to make sure the doors were locked. I didn't sleep well all night, I kept thinking I was hearing things around the house. And then I'm thinking about how I'm here all day by myself and if he decides to show up, what am I going to do? Well, everything was fine today, and I told Jacob how it creeped me out. So, I come in here to the bedroom and lay down watching tv. Jacob is in the living room watching tv, and I have the door shut. He "pages" me on the phone...which I hate anyways because it makes an annoying sound, and why can't you get up from the next room to talk to me?!? So, all he says is come in here. So, I get up and go in there. He asks me if Salem (the cat) is inside...I say no, because I fed him right when we got home and he was outside eating, so he couldn't have snuck in with us. Why? Because he has "seen" someone walking behind him. The way the couch faces, if the curtains are open you can see the reflection behind you because it's dark outside. He said he has "seen" it like 3 times, and he thought it was me, but never heard the door open, and then he thought it was Salem walking on the back of the couch. And the 3rd time he was too scared to do anything except for call me! WTF! What am I supposed to do if there is someone in there? He always does this! Now I'm all creeped out! I already took an ambien so I'm going to start getting loopy here in a little bit and that won't help the situation! Back before we got married we were staying at his grandma's house in Sapulpa while they were on vacation. We were sitting in the tv room watching tv and doing homework and he thought he heard something at the garage door. So, he gets up and goes in there. He calls me in there...well naturally I don't want to go! So, sure enough I get in there and the door knob is shaking! I have my cell phone picked up dialed 911 and ready to send and he won't let me! His car was parked in the garage so he pushed the panic button on his keychain, let it go off for a little bit and then opened the door, ran to the car, flew out of the garage in reverse (thank God he remembered to open the garage door!) The side garage door was standing wide open...it was never locked because we didn't have a key to the house, so that's how we got in while we were staying there. Needless to say, that was an AWFUL night! It was a house I hadn't really ever stayed at overnight, and we weren't supposed to be staying overnight with each other because we weren't married! So, it wasn't like I could call and tell my dad how scared I was and to come rescue me! We shut and locked all the doors in the house and propped chairs up against the knobs like you see on tv! We get psychotic like that! I never stayed in our apartment by myself, but Jacob did sometimes when I would go to Stillwater to see Lisa and Kristin...and he swears he saw a ghost in there. But, then we moved down here to Beggs...this house is old, and that's creepy enough. But, it's always so damn dark! I always slept with a night light until we got married! And then he told me I had to grow up! But, I still would put a night light in the bathroom or kitchen just to cast some kind of glow throughout the house! One night I SWEAR I woke up and saw an enormous black man leaning on the bedroom door frame. I was so freaked out I couldn't move. I know I couldn't scream...I've been scared enough to scream about dreams, but nothing would come out! And I knew I couldn't wake Jacob up because he sleeps really hard and if I were to try to casually wake him up he would wake up screaming "what, huh, what" and that's pointless in that situation! So, I get up later to find that all the deadbolts in the house are still locked, so this has to be a figment of my imagination...there was no one in the house. Which makes me sound crazy as hell, but I can't help it. I swear to you he was standing there. Anyways, let's move on to the next incident where I'm in bed, Jacob comes to the bedroom door and says get up now...okay, I want to know why...just get up now. So, I get up. He proceeds to tell me there someone at the door with a chainsaw! Once again WTF! So, I have 911 ready once again, but before we can do that we have to check it out ourselves. So, we find the flashlight and throw open the other door...shine the light around...see car tracks all through our yard, and our mailbox smashed. So, we call 911 just to file a report in case someone else had issues later on that night, at least it would be recorded! So, the cops come out and decide that what Jacob thought was a chainsaw, was probably the person getting stuck in the ditch, on top of the mailbox, and then trying to get off the mailbox and out of the ditch...because the ditch is really steep right there. So anyways...add tonight's adventure to this, and I guess you could say we're freaks! Freaky things always happen...even if they're not so freaky, they will get blown out of proportion by us! I stayed in this house for 2 weeks while Jacob was in Dallas for work...I had to double check the locks several times every night, I never opened the curtains, and I slept with the tv on all night! Someone I managed to never get too freaked out! But, it is hard to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night when you're not sure if there could possibly be someone else in the house with you! Anyways, I'm sure 1/4th of the people who started reading this have actually made it to this point, and right now that person is begging me to shut up! So, I'll grant you that wish! This subject will be over...but I can't guarantee there will be no more posting for the night!

so true

2009-02-27T20:28:00.003-06:00

I have my screen saver set to a slideshow of my pictures. So, it just pops up random pictures. This popped up just now when I walked into the room. So true! And at such a perfect time!

overwhelmed

2009-02-26T19:46:00.003-06:00

It's like life changes every single day. Once I think I have things figured out, something else gets thrown in the path. As of Monday we were going to start looking for houses to buy. As of today Jacob wants to go back to teaching. I desperately need a job. But, I feel like that's the most impossible thing to do right now. I'm very obviously pregnant...and I feel like as soon as I walk into an interview the person is automatically going to say no. Therefore it feels pointless to look for and apply for jobs. This makes me feel like a failure as a wife, because I'm not doing anything to help support my family. Jacob wants to go back and teach...it's what he went to school to do. It's where his heart is. But, if I can't find another job, he won't be able to do that, because the difference in pay is just too much...especially once Alexia gets here. I feel like there's nothing I can say to make his decision easier...I just feel bad. I don't think he would have a second thought at all if I still had a job. He has said over and over again that he loves having me home...he doesn't have to worry about me driving an hour to work and back...and I do the dishes, cooking, and laundry now! But, I know that our lives would be easier if we had another paycheck. Things are okay right now with me drawing unemployment, but that's going to run out one day...and it just so happens to be right at the time when Alexia is due! I also know it's going to be way harder for me to go back to work once she gets here! By then I will have been off for like 6 months, and I will have a newborn. And not just any newborn...the miracle that I waited so long for and tried so hard for. And then I'm supposed to leave her 8+ hrs a day? I just feel overwhelmed right now. And I feel like there's nothing I can do to relieve any of the pressure!

Bible Verse of the Day

2009-02-26T10:21:00.000-06:00

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.---Isaiah 41:10-11

Thoughts on Today's Verse...Not only does God's blessing rest on us, his presence goes with us. We cannot ever be in a place where he is not with us (see Psalm 139). His presence and power will uphold us and strengthen us. No matter what may happen in and to our physical bodies or our physical worlds, in Jesus, God has given us the ultimate triumph over every enemy and all wickedness. Even Jesus' doubters and enemies will worship our Lord and kneel at his feet and will recognize that our faith is not only appropriate, but it is victorious. (cf. 1 Thess. 1)

headaches and heartburn

2009-02-25T20:10:00.002-06:00

Yeah...every night for about a week now, right when I'm ready to go to bed I get heartburn. Tonight's heartburn is like the worst ever though! I can't even figure out what I could have eaten that made it this bad! Alexia better come out with a head full of hair! And who knows where the headache came from, it just hit me all the sudden...about as suddenly as the heartburn.

I went back and did the 3 hr glucose tolerance test today. It wasn't nearly as bad as the one last week. I made it through the whole test without getting sick. However, as soon as I started drinking the orange goo it brought a sick feeling to my stomach. So, hopefully I get the results by the weekend, and hopefully I passed...because I can't give up sugar! No really...it's not going to happen!

The past 2 days I've woken up at around 4:00 and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I just lay here tossing and turning in the bed...it sucks! And today when I woke up, I woke up craving this...hostess apple pie. So, as soon as I was done with my glucose test I went and bought not 1, but 2. I didn't eat them at the time...not the smartest thing...more sugar after fasting for 12 hrs and drinking the orange goo! So, I'm about to eat one now. I've woken up so many times in the past few weeks craving the wierdest foods. Wavy Lays~donuts~apple pie~mcdonald's french fries~the list could go on and on. And living in Beggs isn't the best thing when you wake up at 3 am craving something you don't have!

recipe of the day

2009-02-23T17:44:00.002-06:00

Chicken Parmigiano Soup:
http://www.rachaelray.com/recipe.php?recipe_id=431

Of course it's Rachael Ray! But, it was so easy and super good! I can't really tolerate the smell of parmesan cheese, and then mixed with the tomatoes it smelled kinda gross. But, it was really good! I wouldn't recommend actually putting the bread on the bottom of the soup bowl like the recipe suggests. The bread gets really soggy and gross! To me, there's nothing worse than soggy bread! Anywho~really good recipe!

Am I going to be able to do this?

2009-02-22T23:18:00.002-06:00

All my life I wanted to be a mom! Over and Over and Over! We've been through it. We have 3 angels in heaven waiting for us one day. We love them and miss them and think about them every single day. But, In June I will bring Alexia home. My miracle princess. She's everything I've ever wanted in a baby, and I haven't even been able to see her yet! I'm so scared that all the big dreams that I have for her won't come true. What if I can't prevent her from making the same mistakes that I made? I want to raise her to be a Christian, what if she pushes those boundaries? I want to show her the relationships that I had with my cousins: Adam, James, Zach, Lisa, Kristin, Brandon, Me, Jacob. And all the fun times that we have had together...even through adding extra people into the family...it just brings more fun. But, there's a whole other group that's forming now. Zoe, Averie, Aubrie, Gracie, Haley, Alexia, Lauren, Hope...I want them to have their own group. Where they can feel safe and go through the same things that we went through. Where they can build each other up when one falls down.
I've just worked so hard to get to this point and I don't want to waste it because I don't know how to be a great mother. I know I'll be able to give her everything she needs. I'm just not sure if I can lead her down the path that God has chosen for her to walk. I want her to meet and respect all the Aunts and Uncles that I lived with. That I grew to love and respect! I know she will automatically fit into the family. And there's not doubt she's going to be loved. I just want my fears to be relieved, that I will be able to do the right things for her. Because I've never been a mom. I've been around babies a lot. But, they weren't MY babies. How am I going to know what MY baby needs when she cries? How am I not going to call my mom crying every single day? Begging her to come live with me? I have a lot of things I'll need to get straightened out in the next few weeks.

I've come to realize:

2009-02-22T20:18:00.003-06:00

I've come to realize:

-the seats at Cinemark aren't made for short pregnant people.

-my couch was never comfortable to sleep on until about 2 weeks ago, and it seems that's the only place I can lay where my back doesn't hurt.

-that I watch entirely too much tv...it's practically all I do.

-that no matter how many things I have in my life that I love, there will always be an empty place in my heart.

-that I feel like my husband puts a lot of other people ahead of me.

-I have very few friends. I have lots of myspace "friends", facebook "friends", blogger "friends", CO "friends", but not hardly any real life friends.

-I want to be a mom more than anything in the world, but now that it's going to happen I'm terrified of it. I'm completely afraid of someone else's life being left in my hands.

-I pushed a lot of ideas out of my head because I was too afraid. I once wanted to be a paramedic, but I was too scared that when the moment came I wouldn't know what to do. I once wanted to be an interior designer, but all it took was one person saying that it would be a hard career and I gave that up. When I enrolled in college I enrolled as a psychology major, but I found out you had to write a thesis and I was too scared I wouldn't be able to, so I changed my major before I even made it to college.

-This blog got way too deep way too fast. I didn't intend for it to be that way! But, it seems like everything gets that way lately!

I hate my body, and it hates me back!

2009-02-19T13:22:00.002-06:00

I went in to do the 3 hour glucose tolerance test today. I had been fasting since midnight last night...nothing but water. I didn't sleep well and I guess once I fell asleep I slept kinda hard, because I don't remember Jacob leaving this morning(I was going to get up at the same time as him to get at the lab as soon as they open). So, I drive the 45 minutes to the lab. They draw my blood to get a fasting insuling level, then I drink the orange goo. I go sit in the lobby. I had brought a bunch of magazines and my book and some water, so I was just sitting there. I started feeling pretty sick about the 45 minute mark but I knew it was just from drinking the goo. They take me back at 11:02 to do the 1 hour draw. I go sit back in the lobby for like 10 minutes. I went to use the restroom and as soon as I got down there I knew I was going to lose it. So, after I compose myself a little I walk back to the lab. She knew immediately that I had gotten sick. She called me dr to see what to do next. They told her that I would have to do it another day. Great! I just wasted my whole morning only to get sick and have to go home. I still feel sick, weak, and tired. I'm going to call the dr's office later and ask what I'm supposed to do. I've gotten sick every time I've done the glucose test. And I can't keep fasting only to go up there and puke. It sucks!

My favorites:

2009-02-18T15:30:00.001-06:00

Chocolate milk!

Cinnamon toast!

I could eat this for every meal! Sometimes I do!

Cricut

2009-02-17T21:55:00.003-06:00

I made this with the cricut. The top pictures is her initials: ARB...Alexia Rosemay Brigance. The cricut cuts the letters out and then I glued them to another piece of paper and framed them.
The second one is just her name spelled out in honeypot letters from the Winnie the Pooh Cartridge. I am in love with it! I have cut out so many things, I just need ideas for what to do with all of them. If anyone would like me to cut anything for your nurseries...I'm more than willing to do that for you! I will cut the letters (any size) and glue them to matching paper, and then all you have to do is frame them! Just let me know! Leave me a comment here on e-mail me at love1221@hotmail.com
Thanks for looking at my page! Hopefully I'll have time to make some new things tomorrow!

failed

2009-02-17T10:47:00.002-06:00

I failed the 1 hour glucose test I did on Friday. It shouldn't be too surprising considering I was taking metformin before I got pregnant because I was insulin resistant. But, I passed the first 1 hour that I did. And this time I only failed by 3 points. So, now I have to go do the 3 hour glucose test. Boo! I have to drink twice the amount of orange goo, and then have my blood drawn every hr. I'm not worried about having my blood drawn...I'm an expert, I could do it myself by now! But, both times I have done the 1 hour test I've gotten sick because my blood sugar goes up and then drops back down so fast. So, I can't imagine what it's going to be like this time. I also can't eat or drink anything (besides water) before I go do it. So, my system is already going to be whack...and I've grown accustomed to getting up and eating breakfast! Then there's the boredom issue. I'm going to be sitting in the lab for 3 hours! Jacob can't take a morning off to go with me, so I'll be sitting there by myself! This sucks! Everyone feel sorry for me now!The orange goo!

Bible verse of the day

2009-02-15T22:03:00.004-06:00

So, I know, my blogging is out of control lately. But, I very rarely have enough thoughts to compose a normal blog...so I will be posting "things" of the day. Bible verses, quotes, this day in history, random pictures, random thoughts...just whatever I come across while I'm creeping the internet that day! So, I'm sorry if you get 3 blogs from me all in one day that all add up to RANDOMNESS! That's just me! This is who I am! And maybe one Bible verse or quote will make someone's day better!

BVOTD: (Bible Verse of the day)

For over a week, John has reminded us again and again. We must love our brothers and sisters in Christ. This reminder, however, is the clincher. If we love God, then we must love his children and our brothers and sisters in Christ. Notice that the word isn't "should" or "will try" or "want to." No, we must. The Bible is careful not to put many "must do" or "thou shalt" commands in Scripture. But God's point is clear. Love of each other is not optional, negotiable, or even something to be delayed. God sent Jesus to die for the sins of all of God's children. How can we not love those for whom Christ gave so much? As Paul will say to the Corinthians, "God's love compels us!" We MUST love. ---Phil Ware

I wrote this prayer down so that I can remind myself to use it every day!

Sovereign LORD, forgive my sometimes selective practice of loving your children. I ask you now to bless, to nourish, and to sustain my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to pray in particular for several of your children who have great trials and burdens... (please list some of those you know who need God's help). In addition, dear Father, please use me to minister to them in tangible ways. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

www.heartlight.org

aggravated

2009-02-15T17:47:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired of Jacob having to go to work on the weekends. He had to go yesterday and he had to go today. Even though it's just usually for a couple hours it's still annoying. Last Friday night he worked all night...from like 9pm to 5am. And I know it's extra money...but still. It's the weekend, and neither weekend has he had the pager, so it shouldn't even have been his responsibility. Whatever! But then it's worse because he comes home and wants to tell me all about how awful it was, but I've been here doing stuff too. Today while he was gone I cooked dinner, washed dishes, and did laundry. He came in, ate...and that's it. Anyways...I really do love him, it's just hard. I don't know how I'm going to handle it once Alexia gets here...because I think I will really need him!
We go back to the dr. for him tomorrow. We're not really sure why, because he wasn't supposed to go back until March, but then they called him back on Friday and said they needed to see him ASAP. So, it's kind of concerning. So, hopefully everything will be okay. He's off work tomorrow for President's Day, so in the afternoon he's supposed to go 4 wheeling with some guys from work. It sucks because I think it would be fun to go...but I can't! So, what I thought would be our 1 extra day together I will still be sitting at home alone. Oh well huh! Poor, poor me!
Well, the washing machine just stopped, so I need to go switch laundry!

Bible verse of the day!

2009-02-14T20:25:00.001-06:00

Psalm 73:26-My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

What can truly fulfill and sustain us? Maybe the best way to answer that question is by asking another: What can we keep when our bodies are placed silently in their graves at death? Only our relationship with God and His people lasts beyond the grave. If He is what lasts, then how can we displace Him for anything that doesn't? -Phil Ware
www.heartlight.org

Valentine's Day Dinner

2009-02-14T18:53:00.002-06:00

http://rachaelrayblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/its-keeper-chicken-with-scallion-lime.html

Just for fun!

2009-02-13T20:39:00.001-06:00

Salem...I really thought he was going to use the bathroom!

24 weeks 4 days.

Why am I still awake?

2009-02-13T01:32:00.002-06:00

No really....why? Because Ambien sucks! I don't know what's worse, not sleeping at all, or sleeping for 2 hours at a time. If I could find my stuffing I could stuff the pillow I just whipped up. Random I know. I also attempted to make a blanket out of some fleece I found while I was looking for the stuffing. I hemmed up a pair of maternity jeans...tried to do the second pair, but the machine keeps eating my thread so I gave up. The thing that makes no sleep the greatest is that I have to go to the dr. tomorrow. Not only do I have to go to the dr, but I have to do the icky glucose tolerance test. Drink the orange goo, wait an hour and then go have my blood drawn. Not sleeping is going to mean that I will be wanting some major caffeine tomorrow, but I need to limit my sugar intake since I have to drink the orange poison. Then once my blood sugar plummets from it I will be as sick as a dog. The last time I barely made it back to the house before I passed out. Thank God I made it out of the car! I think I'm going to talk mom into driving...even though she doesn't like driving down there at that time of day....I may not be the safest driver tomorrow!
We decided that we're going to go out tomorrow night for Valentine's Day instead of trying to fight through crowds on Saturday. So, Saturday I'll just cook dinner here. We also decided for gifts we're each just going to pick out something that we want. I'm leaning towards either a new perfume or a new wallet/billfold...except I can never find one that I like! I'm not sure what Jacob is leaning towards...but I would guess that it has to do with the xbox!

Yuck!

2009-02-12T17:18:00.003-06:00

Dinner smells gross! It's grilled chicken pasta salad...which sounds simple enough. But, Lord knows Rachael Ray has to add all kinds of crap to it that made it smell and taste like crap! The dressing for the salad is red wine vinegar, evoo, dijon mustard, and parmesan cheese. I think it's the mixture of the parmesan cheese and the red wine vinegar that made the weird smell/taste. Maybe I'll be able to salvage the chicken out of it, because it smelled/looked really good. Anyways...then you add the chicken, grilled onions, celery, grape tomatoes, and mozzarella cheese. It looks relatively appealing, but I tasted one noodle and that was it for me! That used to happen a lot though...I would cook for Jacob and then not eat it. He hasn't tasted it yet, because we didn't eat lunch until after 1:30 because he had his ultrasound on his throat/neck. They already called him with the results...nothing looked abnormal. So, where do we go from here? Who knows? I'm tired from not getting a nap today. I got my rx filled for ambien today. But my OB will only call in 15 pills because she only wants me to take them every other night. Too bad 1 pill isn't going to make me tired probably. Ugh!
Here's a link to the recipe:http://www.recipezaar.com/Grilled-Chicken-Pasta-Salad-285058

This day in History

2009-02-12T11:24:00.002-06:00

February 12, 2009: 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln
1909: NAACP founded
1999: President Bill Clinton is acquitted by the US Senate in his impeachment trial.
2007: A gunman opens fire in a mall in Salt Lake City, killing 5 people.

One more:

2009-02-10T19:24:00.003-06:00

rwotd: random website of the day

http://www.cuteoverload.com/

Stimulus Bill

2009-02-10T11:48:00.002-06:00

The senate passed the stimulus bill. It will probably be on President Obama's desk this week! Let's hope this helps get our country out of the slump that it's in! Hopefully everyone watched the Presidential Address last night also. I think he was amazing!

Random website of the day!

2009-02-10T09:21:00.002-06:00

www.thisiswhyyourefat.com

Hilarious! And I (obviously) have nothing against fat people! Ha, I'm one of them! And I'm sure skinny people eat this crap too!

Random thought of the day

2009-02-09T21:45:00.002-06:00

40-50% of body heat can be lost through the head (no hat) as a result of it's extensive circulatory network.

The cutest kids ever!

2009-02-09T21:16:00.002-06:00

Zoe...my first born niece! Love her so much!

This is an old one of Zoe, but it's so stinking cute!

Zavier and Zander! The most handsome boys ever!

Averie, Gracie, and Aubrie...I think I got the twins right?!? It's still hard for me to tell them apart by their looks. Their personalities are so different though! A little over 1 pound and a little over 2 pounds when they were born...I will never forget seeing them that day! And Grace has a personality of her own!

Aubrie, Averie, Gracie, and Haley. This day was amazing!

I wish I could sleep

2009-02-09T11:37:00.002-06:00

OMG, I wish I could get a decent night's sleep. Saturday night I slept really well! 5 hours straight without waking up...but then last night...back to crappy sleeping! My back was hurting before I even got in bed, so I knew it was probably going to be a rough night. I woke up again when Jacob got up...so I just went ahead and got up. Started some laundry. I have everything ready to start dinner tonight..so, now if that time would just come! I took pictures of the baby clothes that I have gotten so far...but I'm not putting them on my computer yet because Jacob is going to work on it tonight...wipe everything off and start over. So, I already moved all my pictures, music, etc over to the external hard drive. I had over 8,000 pictures on here! Holy crap that's a lot! So, now I'm going to eat lunch...and probably take a nap! I know that probably won't help me sleep tonight, but I'm so tired right now!

Chicken Fried Steak!

2009-02-08T17:55:00.005-06:00

Yum! I made chicken fried steak for dinner tonight...it was so good! Except for stupid me forgot to buy potatoes at the store today so we couldn't have mashed potatoes with it...gah! But, we did have gravy and green beans. Anyways...here's some pictures from last night:Dad wearing his cool reading glasses! I love him!
Glen with his 32 oz. steak. He got a t-shirt and a picture on the wall for eating that!

Zavier and Zander sitting in the car waiting to leave! Zoe coloring inside. She drew a picture of a cow, bull, Salem my kitty cat, the waitress bringing our food and drinks, and me with baby Alexia in my belly! I love those kids!

And just for fun: my feet in the shoes I got for my birthday! Friday was the first time it was really warm enough to wear shoes with no socks...and I had to hem up my maternity pants in order to wear them...because of course, all my pants are WAY too long!

Baby!

2009-02-08T00:37:00.002-06:00

We (me, Mom, Lisa, and Kristin) went and did my baby registries today. It was super fun! And for some reason Lisa and Kristin felt obligated to buy me clothes also! I'm always down for new clothes...but I don't want people feel like they need to or have to buy me things! So we registered at Target and Walmart. I have a few things at BabiesRUs, but for the most part I'm steering clear of that place. We ended up registering for a different bedding set than I had originally picked out. The new one has more pink on it...I guess I had picked the other one out when we were still unsure of the sex, because it was more gender neutral. But, once mom pointed out the pink I just had to have it! We didn't get a chance to look at fabric today, since only certain Walmart's have fabric sections now...so that will be another day! Lisa and Kristin also brought over a TON of clothes for Alexia. It's so amazing to have all these little pink outfits in the house now! And mom and Brandon bought diapers and wipes. Oh, and Lisa and Kristin made the cutest little OSU fleece blanket...it's pink and just super cute and soft! So, I have plans to start moving stuff around this week and cleaning some more...so then there will be no reason why they can't start renovations. So, hopefully I'm able to get rid of a bunch of stuff and get everything moved out of the front room. I also made it a goal to start cooking again this week. So, I picked out my recipes for the week and we will go to the grocery store tomorrow to get all the stuff I will need. I'll let you know how that goes! Hopefully I'll be sleeping well enough to still feel like cooking! We went out to eat tonight with my parents, sisters, brother and his family. The wait was super long and we ended up having to sit in 2 seperate booths, and the high chairs didn't push all the way up to the tables...which was annoying because the babies couldn't reach the table to grab their little treats. Our food also came at 2 totally different times...our table was pretty much done eating when the other table got their food...even though they took our orders at the same time. Kristin and Brandon got their's for free I think because it was so messed up! But, it was fun to just get to hang out with everyone! I took some pictures but I'm already laying in bed...so it will have to wait until another day to upload them to the computer! Well, that's my update for the day!

October 22

2009-02-06T20:44:00.008-06:00

If you've seen these, forgive me...I just love them!

The guys! I love this picture of them!

The girls! I love our dresses!

We didn't have any boys to be ring bearers...so the twins filled in! Aubrie and Averie

Zoe got nervous and wouldn't walk down by herself because everyone was looking at her! So, James went back and walked with her...notice her barefeet. Mom made her dress also...and stuffed it full of little rose petals! She still doesn't like people to look at her!

The sweetest moment!

I love this man!

As promised:

2009-02-06T13:40:00.003-06:00

This is the scrap blanket.

Close up of the doily

Crystal Star Doily

The blanket is square, but it's too big for me to get a full picture of it from above. The doily is almost halfway finished. But, I can only do a couple of rounds at a time because my hands get sore.