another one down

The three up top is the blue on that I loathe. The one to the left is my very first baby blanket I crocheted. I've kept it for myself this whole time, and now I'll finally have someone to wrap up in it!

I finished the blue blanket this evening. I despise it...it is now my arch nemesis. I already wrapped it up so I wouldn't have to look at it anymore. It just annoys me...the proportions are off and there's no way to fix them. I hope these people enjoy this blanket...because I don't!

Jacob came home at 5 and decided we needed to go eat somewhere...bleh...I didn't want to get out of the house...but at the same time I did. I've been stuck here all week due to the ice, and I really should get out. But, I felt like ass. I finally fell asleep I don't even remember what time...but it wasn't a deep sleep. Every little noise would make me jump and then I would have to roll over to my other hip that wasn't already hurting. I still feel bad about putting my big mouth where it shouldn't be...but I guess we just have to take steps forward and hope everything works out...and pray everything works out...it has to right?!?

So, maybe when I'm up and can't sleep at night I should run on the treadmill or something. It's pretty loud, and I would have to plug it in like right outside the bedroom, so it would probably bother Jacob...but that would tire me down wouldn't it...or energize me more and make it worse! No, I don't think it gets worse than crawling into bed at 5 am and still not being able to sleep. Then this morning I had to get up at 8:30 because the car was stuck in the yard, so I got in and gunned it and Jacob pushed...I totally felt like I was going to wreck into something...and then get charged with DUI because I had taken so much stuff to make me "TIRED."

Speaking of...2 prenatal vitamins, 1 baby aspirin, 40 mg prozac. Then 10 mg ambien & 1050 mg tylenol pm...to somewhat make me drowsy. If that doesn't get it then I usually try 525 mg tylenol pm...if that does nothing, then I will take another 10 mg ambien. Is this the recommended dosage, no! But, if I did this without the ambien it would be at least 2100 mg tylenol pm...and I'm pretty sure all that tylenol isn't good for you! But, the way I look at it, neither is not sleeping. Anywho...I can't get anything else as far as the prozac goes until I have the baby. I'm supposed to go see a therapist...with a name I can't find on the website...but we're waiting to see if our insurance will pay something for it. Because I can't afford to go if I'm going to have to pay it all out of pocket. Also, my ob recommended that I take the ambien 5mg (half) every other night...with nothing else. Well, that's not going to happen. So, now I'm a druggy looking for a ambien refill! Anyways...this has already gone to far. I'm going to post those pictures and then I'm off to write down things to make sure to register for.

25 years and not a lesson learned!

You would think in that amount of time I would learn to mind my own business! Not so much! Still sticking my 2 cents into places where it wasn't asked for. Possibly made a friendship worse than what it already was. I hope not...I truly prayed that it doesn't. And I pleaded with the person to not let my words influence them.

Also, obviously I have offended some people...my husband being number 1. He doesn't feel like I should put everything so OUT THERE for everyone to see. But, this is my only escape. I mean, my myspace blogs are pretty much a good representation of me, but when I started this blog...it was real. And I didn't hold anything back. So, if it has to do with something personal between me and him I'm going to try to take it easy. Otherwise, I'm going to still be the same person, and post the same blogs...with the exception that I will just go ahead and name names. When I started this blog I didn't really think anyone would read it, so I just put he said/she said kinda stuff in there. Well, it's been brought to my attention that also is rude and talking behind someone's back. So, from now on if I have an argument or get disgruntled with someone...their name will be here. I guess not so much for me...but for them. Anyways...
I didn't sleep again last night...probably all of the stress of yesterday afternoon building up. So, I finally crawled into bed around 5 am. And woke up at around 10. I am so tired, but yet I feel like I can't sleep. My mind won't stop for long enough for me to get a decent night's sleep. It's killing me! I need sleep! But, I did get a load of laundry done and I scrubbed the bathroom sink and countertop...and cleaned all the door handles and light switches in the house...and scrubbed more mold off the kitchen window panes. Yuck,,,but hopefully if we get it out I will start feeling better. Anywho...off to try to get some sleep.

It's just not okay

One thing I've never been able to tolerate is people talking shit about my family. I would much rather you just talk shit about me and be done with it. It hurts me much less...I can deal with the pain and the madness, but they shouldn't have to. I also don't understand why someone would ever talk shit about their own family...someone who has been their best friend their whole life. Not only that...but don't do it to their face....post it on the internet, somewhere that you don't think they will see it. Well, we found it...you're busted, and I will never forget it.

A better day

So, I promised updates. I have pictures of the pink baby blanket, but not the blue one. I have a dilemma with it! It is extremely wide for a baby blanket, so it looks mis-proportioned. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. The first two pictures are close up of the pattern and the border...and then the third one is the whole blanket...it's folded up.

Then I threw in this picture of Salem I took today. He's sitting in the middle of the street...in the ice. He just walked straight out there and sat himself down like that's where he belonged. Psycho cat! While I was outside feeding him and taking those pictures I got to see Zoe sledding! It was so cute! Her mom was pulling her on a sled behind the 4-wheeler. She was so funny! She fell off once and jumped up screaming "my hip, my hip!" It was hilarious! I couldn't stay out there very long today though because the sun was shining down and whatever was trying to melt was already re-freezing, and it was so slick. Yesterday you could walk in it, and just sink down...not today! I was sliding around and was too scared I was going to fall!

Ruined Plans

It's okay...we didn't make plans...months ago! But, it's just like you to change your mind and ruin it. But guess what...you're not going to ruin it for me. I will have fun, and I will make sure everyone else has fun!

Well, that's 2 bitter posts in a row. Tomorrow will be better! I will post pics tomorrow of the finished pink baby blanket. I finished it today, mainly just so I didn't have to work on it anymore....because for some reason it was so annoying to me! I haven't uploaded the pictures from the card to the computer yet, so I'll post them tomorrow. Hopefully I'll finish the blue baby blanket tomorrow also, as the person I am giving it to has had her baby. He is in the NICU right now...has a little jaundice, but hopefully will get to come home soon. I need to have it done before they bring him home! So, maybe I'll have those 2 pictures tomorrow. The blue one doesn't seem to annoy me as much as the pink one, but it doesn't seem to progress as fast as the ones I first started (and ran out of yarn)...but, they will both be darn cute when they're done! And I know both of these families will be very appreciative! That's why I do what I do! I want to make other people happy! I want my blankets to be a part of their little one's life...from the very first ride home from the hospital, up until they are dragging them around and tearing them to shredds! That's why I do this...to see these sweet little angels with their own special blankie...that was made especially for them. Something that they can have their whole lives, and pass on to their own children one day. That gets deep...but that's what keeps me going! So, amongst all these blankets. I need to find the yarn to finish the 2 baby blankets that I'm going to be auctioning off on CO, and that needs to happen soon, so that we can get those auctions up and running. So, that will be my goal for the week and weekend to find the yarn I need to get these blankets finished. And then somewhere in the middle of all this I would like to find a pattern for a baby blanket for myself...that I truly love...that I will work on because I think it's fun....and it's for my little girl. I have one that I made years ago and set it aside for myself to have whenever that day may come. Well, now I will have to get that out and take pictures of it. Because that day has come where I will need it now.

We found our long lost kitty! Really I think he's been bumming food off the whole neighborhood and that's why he hasn't been around as much. I carried him home, fed him, changed his bedding, and gave him fresh-unfrozen-water. Hopefully he hangs around a little while...I was really missing him!

Before I close this blog...let me just say. Before I started this blog I took an ambien to help me sleep tonight. I don't feel tired, but I feel half drunk! I know I'm not half drunk, so I must be somewhere on my way to falling asleep. So, if half of this doesnt make sense...feel free to point it out to me...tomorrow... and I will edit the things where I failed! Really, just check back tomorrow for picture updates of the blankets. And I may throw in a couple of my kitty in the snow.

annoyed

Call me a bitch if you must, but I woke up today annoyed with the world! The fact that it was 7:30 and I usually sleep until at least 9 was the first thing on my list...but then that just started it all off. Someone left me a rude comment on my myspace pictures yesterday. I shouldn't let this person get to me, but for some reason it hit a nerve. And it also made me want to delete the picture, for fear that someone else would think the same thing. But, I won't do that...she's not good enough to get that attention from me. Jacob is letting his mom use his car...for this whole week...because her's apparantely broke down this weekend. Whatever, I'm glad we are able to help people out. But, her car wouldn't be broken down if her teenage son wouldn't have been driving it like a maniac after he broke his car down the week before. So, that was one of Jacob's stipulations...he couldn't drive the car. Not only is it supposed to be icy and nasty this week, but he's broken down 2 cars in 2 weeks. So, that made his mom mad...it makes me half tempted to go get the car and bring it home. Because guess what, the fact that he thinks she shouldn't be without a car only means that he thinks it's okay for ME to go without a car...since he's driving mine while she has his. Moving on...I know have to play host every day from 12-1 to Jacob's coworkers. This means that I'm supposed to clean up the house every day...even though half the time it's not my crap laying around. This also means that even though I have nowhere to go...no car to get anywhere...that I have to make myself look halfway presentable for that hour. To most people this probably wouldn't be a big deal...but to me it's ridiculous. I don't see the need that I need to put on makeup for these people. Also, the only clothes I have that fit me are oversized tshirts and sweat pants or my maternity clothes...which are kind of "nicer." I'm definately not getting dressed up to sit here in my own house and watch grown men kill each other on the xbox. The suitcases from our weekend are still sitting behind the couch...I'm sure those are supposed to be gone before lunch. Anyways....the list could go on and on today...Thanks for listening to me whine!

It's a girl!

We had our gender ultrasound on Friday. It's a girl! Alexia Rosemay will be her name! She weighs 14 oz. right now and is just the cutest thing I've ever seen!

Here's some sort of new pictures of crochet stuff!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that my life isn't living up to your expectations. I'm sorry that I let you down. But, right now I don't know what to do to change it.

Mold

So, it was brought to my attention today that I need to be aware of mold poisoning. I have been so sick lately. I just chalked it up to seeing pt's that were sick at work, and then when I got pregnant it seemed like everything got worse...so I blamed it on that...that my imune system was weakened, etc. But, Jacob had a discussion with my mom tonight that he was worried. I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately...and I was chalking that up to depression. But, I guess he got kinda freaked tonight because we were going to go out to my mom's for dinner and I didn't feel like going. I have had this cold/allergies going on for almost a week now, and as soon as I think it's getting better it seems to get worse. Well, my mom researched mold poisioning, because we have had some leakage issues in our house. And it seems that it could very possibly be mold poisoning. This terrifies me ever since I saw the extreme home makeover where the dad died from mold poisoning. So, I have a dr. appt. set up for Wednesday (a prozac followup) so I'm going to ask him if there's bloodwork or something I can do. Jacob called our uncle who is our landlord and asked him if we could get the house tested. From what I understand of the conversation it really freaked him out also. He knows mold isn't something to mess with, so he told Jacob he will find some way to test it. He also said if they find mold in the house he's going to demolish it. That's probably the best thing for this old house, but it's not really the best thing for us right now. I don't have a job anymore, we're going to have a baby in June. And renter's insurance doesn't cover mold damage...so we wouldn't get any insurance payoff at all. Part of me hopes it's not mold because it's so dangerous and such a big deal, but then part of me kind of hopes it is mold, because it's an answer. It would answer why I've been so sick. It would also be an answer for all the issues that this house has! And hopefully he could build something here that someone else could benefit from later...it's a great lot with great neighbors! I don't want to be like a psycho hypochondriach or anything like that...but like Jacob said, if I'm sick then the baby is probably sick...and that's the scariest part. I could deal with me being sick...but we have fought so hard for this little miracle, that I don't want something unseen to damage that! Anywho...just an update. I haven't worked on the blankets anymore because I haven't been feeling good at all. Maybe this week will bring some improvement!

All in a day's work!

So, I worked on the "big" blanket for a little bit today...but it's really tedious and it gets boring...like I talked about before I can't see the progress as fast. So, I started a baby blanket last night around 9 while I was sitting in bed. I worked on it more this morning until I ran out of yarn. So, after I ran out of yarn I worked on the big one for a little while. I don't have a picture of it from today, but it hasn't changed a lot since yesterday. Then I found some more yarn and started another baby blanket. I had less yarn to start with so it's smaller than the other one...but that's an excuse to go buy yarn! Then I put the pack n play together...all by myself! I'll post the pictures...they'll be in order from the beginning of the post to the end.

A Journey;

I and my husband have allowed me to have 1 night a week where we (meaning I, while he's asleep) can get all sentimental and emotional and have myself a pity party. Well, aren't you girls lucky because tonight is that night. I've got some lists of poetry and things that I'm going to post. These are things that I didn't write, I just found them, and they make MY WORLD, seem real. And they make me know that I am NOT the only person who feels this way. Anyways:
Don't let them say I wasn't born, that something stopped my heart. I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start. Although my body you can't hold, it doesn't mean I'm gone. This world was not worthy of me, God chose that I move on. I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face. You have my word I'll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace. You'll hear that it was "meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes." But that won't soften your worst blow or make your heart not ache. I'm watching over all you do, another child you'll bear. Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there. There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand. Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you'll understand. ALthough I never breated your air, or gazed into your eyes, That doesn't mean I never "was". An Angel Never Dies.


The next one rings perfectly through me. I'm sure I'll type through the tears.
Ask my mom How she is
My mom she tells a lot of lies, She never did before, But from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain, she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is She'll say I'm alright. If that's the truth, then tell me, why does she cry each night.
Ask my mom how she is she seems to cope so well. She didn't have a choice you see Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my mom how she is "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping." For God's sake Mom just tell the truth, Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life. I loved her all of mine. But if you ask her how she is She'll still lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven. I cannot hug from here. If she lies to you don't listen. Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again. We'll smile and I'll be bold. I'll say you're lucky to get here Mom, with all the lies you told.



Daddy please don't look so sad. Mama please don't cry. 'Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies. Please, try not to question God. Don't think He is unkind. Don't think He sent me to you and then changed His mind. You see, I am a special child. And I'm headed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love. I'll always be there with you. And watch the sky at night, find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your windowpane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a little breeze from a gentle wind that blows. That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose. When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a little tug. That's me I'll be there, giving your heart a hug. So Daddy please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.


Okay, I promise this is going to be the last one for tonight:
We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to talk, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now and listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother, He'll always be your dad,
You will always be our child, the child we never had.
But now you're gone, but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong. We'll forget you neer.
The child we had but never had
And yet will have forever.

So, I know those aren't really the things that I 20 week pregnant lady should be thinking about...but I don't have a whole lot of other stuff to occupy my time now that I'm not working. I thought when I finally got pregnant, that all the heartache from the miscarriages would go away. But, it doesn't. It makes me want those babies more. And it makes me scared that once I have this baby I will forget about the others. I don't want to forget them. I want them to be a part of my life daily...because they are a part of me. And just because I will FINALLY become a mother, doesn't mean my other children get dropped by the wayside. I know my delivery day will be filled with tears. I just want there to be a few sad tears mixed into a moment of silence for the babies we have lost...because they were important to us also. And we never really got to say goodbye to them and tell them how much we love and miss them. I'm sorry! I didn't know this post was going to go downhill so fast!
I didn't work on my blanket much today...I was laid up in bed, with what I'm calling the flu. I did start a baby blanket tonight, so I'll take pictures of it tomorrow morning so we can start our progress shots. Hopefully I'll feel like getting out of bed at some point tomorrow...but who really knows!

Sick...

So, I'm getting a cold again! I don't know if it's something that the boys have...they are coughing and snotty, and I've been over there a lot since I've been off work. But, my throat hurts like hell, and now I'm starting to cough, and can't stop blowing my nose! Anyways...I'm looking for pictures of scarves and such. I figured out how to get my gadgets on the side! Yay! But, now when I try to add a cute layout it tells me that it has to delete them. Boo! There's so much to figure out on blogspot!

So, this is a picture of a scarf I made for my sister in law this year. I guess it's the only one I took a picture of? Oh well, I guess that gives you an idea. I took a picture of what the blanket looked like this morning, and I'll take another one tonight...I haven't worked on it a whole lot today since I haven't been feeling good...but there should be some progress made.

okay bloggers

I need to know how to get my list of friends that I'm following onto the side of my page, like I've seen on so many of yours! I've been working on this for about an hour...I managed to get a template that is different from the one's that come on here...so that's a step forwards! But, I'm still having trouble with the friends thing. I've got them all added, but they don't show up on my blog. Any suggestions?!?

Long time...no blog!

So, I didn't realize it was in November when I blogged on here! Wow...time flies when you're having fun...or not. So, quick update...I lost my job the week before Christmas. It really sucked, but I wouldn't change it. We were able to get everything worked out, and everything should be fine until after the baby comes in June. The baby is doing great...we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl...hopefully we'll find out next week! But, while I was off work I had time to make 4 scarves as Christmas gifts. I don't know if I took pictures of all of them, but I'll vow to look it up and post them if I did. I also started a new blanket this week. It's going to take forever and an insane amount of yarn to finish it, but I'll post updates of the progress. My mother in law's Christmas gift still isn't finished. It's a beautiful cross stitched design kit. It came with everything you will need to do the design...except for I ran out of embroidery floss twice, and still have not gotten the last color I need to finish! I seriously should write them a letter or something, because not only did they not supply me with enough materials...their numbers on their flosses are totally wrong, which has resulted in me buying the wrong color twice! However, I did manage to buy another cross stitch kit...from a different manufacturer...it's Winnie the Pooh...whom I have a deep love for! I started it, but the squares are so tiny that it's super time consuming...and I've learned that crocheting gets somewhere faster! I can actually see the progress in it! Well, I guess that's all for tonight. I'll search for pictures tomorrow.