losing it

I'm so close to losing my shit right now.

It really sucks to feel like a single mom all the time. If I wanted to be a single mom I would have found some random guy to get me knocked up and never would have gotten married. But alas that's not what I wanted. So, I get married and do everything the right way. But alas, I'm still a single mom. It just really sucks to be at home and do everything by yourself all day and then still have to do everything by yourself once your significant other gets home. I understand that he works all day every day, so when he gets home he wants/needs to relax. But, there are times when I'm overwhelmed and need a break also. Like when Lexi won't stop screaming, or when she pukes all over me and I need to change shirts, but as soon as I put her down she's going to scream some more. Or like earlier when she was rubbing her cold, wet, slobber-covered hands all over my face and neck and I was so irritated and grossed out, but all he could do was sit there and laugh and tell me not to push her away from me.

Anyways...I changed shirts, took a deep breath, and told myself that bedtime is an hour away, so all will be well again.

Letting go

I remember the first time I let Salem (our kitty) outside by himself. I was trying to get him ready to be outside all the time. I swear, I went to the window and checked on him every 5 minutes for an hour. Then brought him in and loved on him, and didn't take him back outside until the next weekend. There was a part of me that really wanted him to stay an inside cat forever. But, another part of me knew he would like it outside better. We were gone to work all day and were often gone the majority of the weekends. He would have so much more fun outside, exploring and finding new things. I was thinking about that today for some reason. And it made me wonder how hard it's going to be to let Lexi go. I'm really looking for a job now. Mainly because Jacob feels like he needs to get a part time job, on top of his full time job. And I don't like that. How hard will it be to drop her off that first day at daycare and be without her all day? She has spent the day with Granny and Nana, and stayed all night. But, somehow this feels different. I feel like it's so abnormal to leave her somewhere, with strangers, while I go off to work. Part of me feels like I need to go back to work, simply for my sanity. There are days when I want to scream right along with her. But, the other part of me wants to just sit here and hold her and stare at her all day until she's too big to hold! Then that brings up, how hard will her first day of school be for me? I specifically remember my first day of 4th grade. I remember holding back the tears as my mom talked to the teacher and prepared to leave. I remember the teacher (Mrs. Taylor) asking my mom if I was going to be ok. She knew that I was ready to cry. My mom just said yes, gave me another hug and left. Just thinking about it now is making me want to cry. I never want Lexi to feel like that. And I can't imagine what it feels like as a parent to leave your child at school for a whole day...knowing that they are slowly growing up. That 4th grader in me never really left. When I went to college I came home every Friday, and cried when I went back every Sunday. To this day when we visit family, or when family visits, I have to hold back tears when I leave. I don't know why, it's just who I am. Then, what happens when Lexi goes to college? Seriously! I know I missed out on so much by never letting myself LOVE college the way Lisa and Kristin have. And I want Lexi to experience everything that college has to offer. But, how am I going to let her go? How am I going to watch her get married? Believing that no man will ever be good enough for her. I told her just today how much I love her. How I'll always be here for her. How I'll never leave, and I'll never let her go. But, that's not true. One day I will have to let her go. One day I will leave her. I just don't know how to face the future. 1 day at a time, I guess.

June 16...LONG!

June 16, 2009—I can’t handle the way I’m being treated around here. I understand that Jacob works. But, it’s a lot of work to stay home with Alexia all day too. I don’t get credit for that. “You stay at home all day.” I’m tired of that shit. “When I get home I have things I need to do.” Oh yeah? I have things that I need to do around here too. And I have to do them with her, by myself. There’s no one here during the day to hand her off to while I do dishes or laundry or eat 1 meal. So yeah, whenever he gets home I want to be able to hand her off to him and take a shower and rest. Apparently that’s too much to ask, because he asked me tonight when he was going to get a break. Really? When am I going to get a break? Thank goodness my mom has kept her a couple of Friday nights for us, so I can get some sleep. And Sheila and Grandma Eva have offered to come over to watch her during the day if I need a break. But, for some reason it’s so hard for me to ask for help. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like if I ask for help all I’m doing is telling the world that I can’t take care of my baby. And it feels like tonight Jacob is trying his hardest to make me feel like a horrible mom. He is forever asking me questions that I don’t have the answer to. Questions that he should know I don’t have the answer to. Lexi has a rash on her neck, inside the fat roll, from where she drools so much when she eats, and it stays wet all the time. Well, I’ve been putting desitin on it, because I don’t know what else to do for it. So, it looks worse because it’s all white and gross in there. So, he brings her over and says, “this doesn’t concern you?” Well, I don’t like that she has a rash, but I’ve been putting medicine on it, and it’s 9:00pm, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it right now. There’s nothing I can do about the way I feel about him right now either. Because I don’t want to start a fight. Because we have Lexi here and there’s nothing that either of us is going to agree on right now. Because he doesn’t care that he hurts my feelings. He doesn’t understand that he tells me that he’s going to change, but then nothing ever changes. I just want a break in the evenings. But, every day after work he has something better to do than come straight home. Then he’ll take Lexi for a little while, until he gets tired of messing with her, or until he has something “better” to do, then he hands her over to me. It pisses me off because I don’t have that option, ever! I can’t get tired of holding her or listening to her cry, because it’s me, by myself, all day, every day. But, what pisses me off the most is when I’m up with her all night and he’s laying in bed, with his head on MY pillow, sleeping. Why, as soon as I get out of bed to get Lexi does he have to roll over onto my pillow? I just want to throw something at his head! Seriously, a concussion is in his near future.
I don’t know if we need to switch her formula or what. She spits up an awful lot, and she’s been terribly fussy today. We got the thrush kind of under control and then she gets constipated for like 3 days, no poop! I finally had to give her a suppository 2 days in a row just so she could go. Then she went 2 days on her own, and now today we’re back to nothing. I don’t know what to do about that either. Today she would eat 1 oz and then fall into a deep sleep so I would lay her down. She would lay there for anywhere from 5-20 minutes and then wake up screaming. I think she’s still too young to let her cry it out, so I don’t have another choice but to go get her and hold her.
My PCP switched my Prozac to Celexa. I don’t know if it’s working or not. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to give it before I ask for something different or a different dosage. I know there isn’t going to be a miracle pill that makes me feel better. But, damn I would like to feel normal again. Sitting here tonight I want to just ball myself up in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and then sleep forever. That’s how I used to feel when I would get really depressed. Except for now I can’t do that, because I have to take care of Lexi. And I’m sure nobody wants to come over and watch her just so I can feed my depression. The migraines have been horrible lately. It seems like I get one every other day. I got medicine for it, but it doesn’t always help.
I need a job! I need a job for money, obviously. But, I also need a job for my sanity. That’s horrible, I know. I prayed for a baby for so long. And I wouldn’t give her back for anything! But, I feel like I need to go back to work now. I need time away from this house. I need a reason for Jacob to take back over some of the responsibilities around here. We used to split laundry and dishes, but since I “don’t work” I get them all! It sucks! Because like I mentioned before, it’s hard to do everything that needs to be done and still take care of Lexi.
Most of all it hurts me because he just doesn’t understand. Right now he’s sitting there talking shit about how I’m going to blog, and no one ever here’s his side of the story, and how everyone online hates him. I’m sorry if I have one way to vent. Because I sure as hell can’t talk to him about anything. Everything starts a fight and I just don’t have the energy to fight with him.