I wish

The next time you have a bad day I can come home and make it worse for you. Seriously! You know I've had a bad day, so you come home and treat me like shit. Thanks!

gah

I'm so tired of this crap! I wish I could come home, make my lunch, hold Lexi long enough to make her cry when I put her back down, and then go back to work to hang out with my friends. It freaking sucks being stuck here all the time. Just pretty much either holding Lexi or listening to her cry. Then, it's the same thing in the evenings. Except for in the evenings I don't even have the luxury of watching what I want on tv. It's either watch what Jacob wants to watch or watch him play stupid video games. Monday night he seriously just walked in while I was watching Hoarders and flipped it over to play a game. So frustrating!
Lexi's sleep schedule is jacked up for some reason. Where she used to get a bath, bottle, and be asleep at 8...she's now getting her bath, bottle, nap @8 and then staying awake until at least 11. It's so frustrating! Because I just want her to go to bed so I can have a couple hours to unwind and try to get myself to sleep. It takes me at least an hour to fall asleep once I get in bed, so if she doesn't go to bed until 11 then it's at least 12 before I fall asleep. But what's amazing is that she still gets up at the same time in the morning. Today I'm going to try to make sure she doesn't nap at all this afternoon and hopefully at 8 she will be ready for bed!
It's like me and Jacob will have a huge fight about stuff that I want to be different, but nothing ever actually changes. I always end up compromising and doing stuff that I said I wasn't going to do. I'm tired of being the one to compromise.

ya

Being a dad must be great! You do what you feel like doing whenever you feel like doing it...everything else is mom's job. And why do dads find it so easy to ignore a screaming baby? Then whenever mom gets up they suddenly spring into action...like, "oh the baby is crying. I'm a good dad, I'll take care of it." I'm just really annoyed right now!

I'm tired of nothing going my way. I'm tired of never getting a break. I'm tired of never having 5 seconds to myself, to do what I want to do."

no thanks

I don't need any help. I would much rather do everything myself.

so tired of it

I'm so tired of the fact that Jacob will go to the ends of the earth for his family, but I don't feel like he would do the same for me.

Case in point: Jacob's brother wrecked his truck. He had a whole week off school to figure out what to do. He didn't do anything about it...instead takes his mom's car back to school for the week. Now Jacob feels like it's his priority to make sure his mom has a way to her dr's appts, etc. How about you tell your asshole brother to bring his mom's car back and figure out a way to get himself back and forth to school. Grow the fuck up people! I'm so tired of stupid shit! I don't understand why teenagers today feel like they are entitled to something, like the world owes them something just for being them. Ya know what little jerks? The world doesn't owe you shit! Go out into the world and make something of yourself and then maybe we'll talk about feeling sorry for you when something shitty happens in your life.

losing it

I'm so close to losing my shit right now.

It really sucks to feel like a single mom all the time. If I wanted to be a single mom I would have found some random guy to get me knocked up and never would have gotten married. But alas that's not what I wanted. So, I get married and do everything the right way. But alas, I'm still a single mom. It just really sucks to be at home and do everything by yourself all day and then still have to do everything by yourself once your significant other gets home. I understand that he works all day every day, so when he gets home he wants/needs to relax. But, there are times when I'm overwhelmed and need a break also. Like when Lexi won't stop screaming, or when she pukes all over me and I need to change shirts, but as soon as I put her down she's going to scream some more. Or like earlier when she was rubbing her cold, wet, slobber-covered hands all over my face and neck and I was so irritated and grossed out, but all he could do was sit there and laugh and tell me not to push her away from me.

Anyways...I changed shirts, took a deep breath, and told myself that bedtime is an hour away, so all will be well again.

loss

What do you do when a friend loses a child? Not just any child, but a 3 week old child. I just found out that my friend and his wife lost their son today.

They don't have a phone, I don't know where they live, and I have no way of getting in touch with them. My heart is breaking right now. I'm doing everything I can to find some way of figuring out where they are. I can't offer much. But, I can be a shoulder to cry on.

I've experienced miscarriage, 3 times. That's the worst pain I've ever been through. And I know it's nothing compared to what these parents are going through.

Tonight I held Lexi a little tighter, kissed her cheek a few more times, and said an extra I love you as I tucked her into bed. These parents won't have that opportunity tonight. I don't think my life would go on without Lexi. And I don't know how these parents will get up every day and go on with their lives. Right now all I know is that they need love and support.

Please pray!! Right now it's all they have!

wordpress

I've moved my blog over to wordpress. I'm debating whether or not to keep this blog and use it for something different, but I don't know yet.

Go check out: www.adventuresofmom.wordpress.com

exercise day 2

2.81 miles
72 mins 31 secs

I was hoping to get 3 miles today, but I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep good last night. And I'm not sure I could get another walk in this afternoon anyways. Lexi has gotten pretty clingy!

Jacob has to do some computer work after work so he'll be late. Too bad 'cause I want to go to bed right now. I wonder if Lexi would lay in bed with me??

We've been fighting a sock battle today. I put them on and she pulls them off. Cute? Yes, because she's so proud of herself. But her feet stay cold even with socks on, so going without isn't an option considering that Oklahoma skipped fall and went straight to winter!

Exercise Day 1

I was able to walk 4 times today. I am hoping to be able to fit in 1 more in the morning and 1 more in the afternoon. By the time I got motivated this morning, Lexi decided that she wanted to be held. And then this evening she was a bear! But anyways...here's my totals for today.
2.21 miles
59 min 47 sec

I finished a book I started reading while I was pregnant and started another one.

My treadmill faces towards the window in the bedroom, which faces towards the street. During my 3rd walk I see a horse running down the road, followed by a truck. Who knows what was going on there?!

It's time

I'm starting a diet tomorrow. It's not going to be like a hard-core diet, because let's face it, I'm not capable of that. I'm just going to try to be more conscious of what I eat. I'm going to eat salad for lunch and then eat a salad before my dinner to maybe keep me from eating as much stuff that's not healthy. I bought some frozen yogurt to eat instead of ice cream, so we'll see how that goes. I'm also going to TRY to walk on the treadmill while Lexi is in a good mood and playing. That is going to be hard because most of the time it's just for 10 minutes before she gets bored with herself and neds me to entertain her. So, I'll have to start out at a good pace to even work up a good sweat and heart rate in that amount of time. But hopefully I can get a good amount of time in throughout the whole day. It's also going to be hard to do the walking when I have so many craft ideas running through my head and that's my time to do those also. Maybe I can alternate times (1 walking/1 crafting). Or maybe I could save the crafting for when Jacob's at home in the evenings. I could save all the walking for then, but by the end of the day I'm so exhausted (from doing nothing) that I don't want to walk. I've also been trying to add more water in. I pretty much have to "chug" it though because it has to be super cold for me to drink it. I just know that something has to change.

I passed out in the shower on Thursday. It was just me and Lexi here. Let me tell you, it was super scary to wake up on the shower floor and know that my baby was in the living room alone...wondering how long I had been out. Obviously it hadn't been too long or I probably would have drowned in there! I took my BP and it was like 142/102. But by the time we got to Urgent Care it was down to a normal number. I know it had to be because of my BP, and I know my BP is out of control because of my weight. So maybe if I can get my weight under control my BP will get under control. I also know that whenever we do decide to start trying for a little brother or sister for Lexi (not anytime soon!) the extra weight is only going to compound the PCOS issue. Weight management is currently the only treatment for PCOS. Of course PCOS makes it harder to lose the extra weight, but that just means I'm going to have to fight harder! Of course in the back of my mind I can see myself wearing smaller clothes and being skinny...but next to that thought is the thought that it's never going to happen and I'm going to be this size forever. I just don't know what to do different. I'm the type of person that if it doesn't start to work fast then I'm going to give up. Of course I know if something is working super fast then it isn't healthy...but I need pounds to start dropping relatively quick...even if it's just 1 at a time!

Wordless Wednesday

exhausting

It's really exhausting to never do anything right. Just when I think I'm making headway something happens that brings it all crashing back down.

It doesn't matter how many times I say I don't do something, the trust is never there.

I had been working on my new crafts for like 2 weeks, really thinking that they would sell. The first craft shows proved me wrong on that one. I didn't even make enough to pay mom back for the stuff she bought to get me started. So now I don't feel like even making anything else.

I have lots of ideas, but I feel like I can't do anything because I'm stuck sitting here holding Lexi. If I can't do something in 5-10 minutes then it won't get done.

I'm just tired of it all. I feel like I've always got something to prove and no way to prove it.

I have way more to offer than this.

6 months

I can't believe my baby girl is 6 months old! It's unreal that time has gone by so fast. It seems like yesterday I was getting up a million times a night to feed her and hold her and rock her. Now she sleeps in her room all night like a big girl! I'm not going to complain about that. But, I do miss rocking her to sleep. I miss how she used to grin in her sleep...before she ever really grinned "on purpose." I miss her little preemie and newborn clothes. I miss having to roll up 4 receiving blankets to stuff around her in the carseat because she was so tiny. But, what I really really miss is having her inside of me. Knowing that she was safe. Knowing that nothing was going to hurt her. Feeling her kick and move around. Feeling her hiccup! Going to see her on the ultrasounds and hear her heartbeat. Those things I miss because I know that I may never get to experience them again. I will always be able to see, hold, and love babies. My sisters will have babies. My cousins will have babies. But, Lexi may be my only baby. It terrifies me to think about that. I so want to experience it again. Experience making new life. But, with all I went through to get her...I don't know if I could do it all again, having her. I don't know if I could go through miscarriage after miscarriage, cycle after cycle, failure after failure and still be able to get out of bed every day and be a good mom.

Lexi-girl, I love you. With every part of my being. I live my life for you. For smiles and laughs, for frowns and cries. I simply love you! 6 months ago you stole my heart. I can't imagine how my life would be without you. You are my everything!

failure

Have you ever felt like a complete failure? I mean, like nothing you do goes right, or nothing you want to achieve ever happens? That's how I feel right now. Over at www.conception-obsession.com we started a weight loss challenge on www.fatbet.com. I was doing pretty good at first, and was more than halfway to my goal of 10 pounds. But, as time went on, I gained those pounds back and I'm back to my starting weight...which is higher than when I was pregnant with Lexi. It sucks! The "losers" have to post a picture of themselves wearing something too tight. Well, I have plenty of things that are too tight, trust me. But, I don't want to take a picture of myself wearing them, and then posting it on a website as my avatar pic!

2nd failure: Still not being able to find a job. I've sent so many resumes and applications it's not even funny. But, I've only been called in for 1 interview...and I obviously didn't get that job. Being on unemployment is so demeaning. And knowing that this extension could be the last one I get approved for is scary. Knowing that it could end at any time and I would just be out that money. It just really sucks. I feel like I'm not pulling my weight in the household and I hate that.

Gah!

Jacob is sick, and it sucks! Lexi has had a cold for a week now. It's just allergies and drainage. I've been giving her benadryl, but it diesn't really help. I really hope I don't get whatever Jacob has though. I can't be sick. I don't get to take sick days!

Thank goodness he could hold Lexi today so I could work on some craft show stuff on and off. Generally she will entertain herself for around 5 minutes and I can do a few things before I have to pick her up again.

I'm making post-it holders, binder clips, small notecards, and checkbook covers. I really hope they sell.

Still looking for a job. And it still sucks! I still feel like Jacob doesn't respect me. Even though I cook, do laundr and dishes, and take care of Lexi. Which is starting to annoy me. I get tired of doing everything...but I know if I say something it's going to be a huge fight that I don't need to have. Right now I feel like I will never do enough to "earn" his respect. If Lexi wakes up after 4am he won't get up with her because he has to get up and go to work. So that really sucks for me when she wants to get up at 6, take an hour to eat/fall back asleep and then get up at 8 or 9. Because then she doesn't take a nap all day. She'll sleep for 15 minutes or so as long as I'm holding her, but if I put her down she wakes up. So it makes for a long day for me.

Ambien induced...

I took an ambien, well over an hour ago and I have yet to feel drowsy. So we'll see where this post leads me. Down a sad road, where once again I want to change my life, but don't know how and don't know where to start. I need a job! That's an understatement. I needed a job like 10 months ago! I absolutely LOVE staying home with Lexi all day, but I feel like we need time apart from each other. She's starting to understand what buttons to push that grate mommy's nerves...and she loves to push them! Also, she's going to have to become accomodated to not being held all the time. At least 75% of her day she is being held. She will sit in the exersaucer for a while. She may lay on the floor for a while and roll around. Which brings me to the point of her rolling. She rolls up onto her side and that's as far as she goes. She won't roll all the way over to her belly. She has always hated tummy time...so I don't know if she realizes that if she rolls all the way over, that's where she'll be. She has rolled from her belly to her back...further emphasizing the hate for tummy time. I don't want her to fall behind on her milestones just because she's spoiled to being held all the time.
My second reason for wanting a job is of course to bring in money to help financially support my family. Jacob shouldn't have to do it alone...that's not what he signed up for!
The third reason would be simply so I would get a little credit. SAHM's get zero credit for anything they do. I've never heard of a SAHM who busted her ass to get everything done and then was actually thanked when her hubby came home. That's the hard part about my JOB as a MOM. It may appear as though I sit here on my fat ass all day and never leave the couch. But, that isn't the case. In the rare 5 minutes that Lexi is being an angel there is dinner to plan, dishes to wash, clothes to wash, bottles to wash, clothes to put away, dinner to cook. It's really hard to get all those things accomplished in 5 minute intervals. So, if dinner is burnt or your clothes are wrinkly because they sat in the dryer too long...give me a little bit of a break. In this house we don't take naps. I'm so thankful that Lexi sleeps well through the night. But, she gets so cranky during the day and will take like a 10-15 minute power nap. Well, like as mentioned above, it's hard to get a lot done in those 10 minutes. Because in these little breaks is when I get to brush my hair and teeth, change out of pajamas, pee, and maybe get to eat something.
I respect all SAHM's! I hope they all get the respect they deserve! As for me...as soon as I find a job, I'll be sending Lexi to daycare. Maybe they can win a battle or two for me!

tomorrow

Tomorrow, I'd rather not wake up. Why you ask? Because then I have to face the shit hole that is my life. I know that sounds terrible. But, it's how I feel. Nothing goes right for me. I have a beautiful little girl who needs me...but I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I have a husband, who unfortunately thinks less of me by the day. It would be easier to not get up anymore. I don't do anything right. I lose my patience with Lexi far too often. I always pray for forgiveness for it at the end of the day, because I know it's wrong. But, I get so irritated with her crying/screaming all day. Tonight she was screaming while I was giving her a bath and getting her ready for bed. I couldn't stand it. It just gets under my skin. I know she's spoiled to being held all the time, but there's nothing I can do about it now, besides listen to her cry. But dammit I'm a good mom. I don't care what he says or what he thinks he sees. I love that little girl with my whole heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She's the only thing keeping me alive right now.

Not me Monday

Today I did not go to 2 different stores to do my grocery shopping because I couldn't get everything I needed at one place. Add this to the 1 place I did not go yesterday.

I did not buy 11 cans of nutramigen formula on my wic that does not cost over $255.

I did not mix carrots, peaches, and apples all together because Lexi will only eat vegetables if they are mixed with a fruit.

I did not drop the F-bomb over 100 times today!

I did not cry hard and uncontrollable over something petty.

I guess over all it was not an eventful Monday!

Weekend

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm home alone. Jacob took Lexi to Nana and Papaw's house for a visit. I was supposed to go, but alas depression is kicking my ass and I just wanted some time alone. I can't say I've gotten a lot done this weekend. Basically I just hung out and caught up on sleep. Friday night I didn't get to sleep until after 4am Saturday morning. I slept 'til 10 and then got up because I didn't want to sleep all day. I went and bought an oven pizza and new potatoes. I cooked the pizza for lunch and threw the new potatoes and a pork roast in the crock pot for dinner (Jacob doesn't like roast or new potatoes.) I decided around 2 to take a nap. As I layed down in bed and turned the tv on to 48 hours mystery it reminded me of "old times." I used to nap on Saturdays and Sundays...around that time, with those same shows on the tv. I ended up waking up about 5:30. I really didn't want to get up, but I wanted to be able to fall asleep at a decent time that night. I ate some of the roast and potatoes for dinner...they were yum! Watched OSU play football, took a bath, and headed to bed around 1. Got up around 10 this morning. I've been sitting here really bored all day. I read a blog that made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe. All in all I've realized that I do love my life. I miss my Lexi so much right now! I can't wait for her and Jacob to be home. I was just reading a blog where the lady said her and her husband layed in bed talking for 2 hours after they woke up. I miss that! I miss Jacob and I laying in bed talking and laughing at night. And waking up on the weekends together. We don't hardly ever go to bed at the same time anymore, and even if we did I would be too tired to lay there and talk for hours. Then when we wake up on the weekends, it's because Lexi has woken up, so we definately can't lay in bed and talk then! I gave away a whole box of diapers today that Lexi has outgrown. It made me feel good to be able to help someone out. But at the same time it made me sad that she's outgrown them. She really is tiny still...but she's growing and changing so much. She's 5 months old now. Still wearing 0-3 month clothes for the most part. Just moved into size 2 diapers. And Friday she started getting a tooth. According to Jacob it really started poking through this weekend, so I can't wait to see it! Mine and Jacob's anniversary is this week. No clue what we're going to do, as it's on a Thursday night, or if we're going to get each other gifts. Usually for anniversaries and Christmas we just buy one thing that we both want but couldn't see purchasing on a regular day. I don't really think there's anything that we are both wanting right now though, so don't know how that will work out! So, here's to a new attitude, a refreshing weekend, and just love in general!