May 1

Well, I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight last night…I just had a lot running through my mind that I couldn’t let go. Bad idea, because they started coming in and out of my room about 4 am. That’s when they needed to take my BP again. But, then she started asking me questions about how much water I had drank since 7 pm. Who asks all these questions when I was clearly asleep? Then they came back in at 7 and took my BP again. I finally just got up at 7:30 and ate my breakfast. Apparently they lost my menu because I changed rooms, so I just got a generic breakfast, I’m pretty sure I had picked to have a doughnut this morning, but just got bacon and eggs. We did the monitoring again this morning, and she said I didn’t have to do it for a whole hour as long as everything looked good…so that’s nice. Alexia wasn’t moving a whole lot so she had me drink some water to perk her up. She doesn’t normally move a whole lot in the morning, but after I drank the water she did start moving a lot. They took my heplock/iv thing out because it was hurting and they don’t think I will need it immediately. Then I got to take a shower. Now I’m waiting for mom to get up here. Hopefully she sneaks me a dr. pepper before Jacob gets here to find out! My back already hurts today from this bed, but there’s not a lot to do about that! Aunt Trish came by today. She was in town for court for Lily’s adoption. Everything went good and they now have visitation rights! She brought me some fruit and magazines and almonds! Mom brought me m&m’s and dr. pepper! My BP has been kinda high today…the bottom number has been in the 90s instead of 80s. But, Alexia was good on the monitor. We’ll see what happens on the monitor tonight. Well, she looked good on the monitor tonight also. I had 1 contraction while I was on there for an hour. Hmmm…that’s not enough! Grandma Eva called and talked to me for just a little bit. Jacob didn’t make it up here until around 7, and then he left at 9. I thought he was going to stay all night with me since it’s Friday and he won’t have to work tomorrow. But, I knew as soon as he walked in with no bags that he wasn’t. It does upset me, but I’ve been upset every day since I’ve been here. I was on the monitor when he left again though, so I couldn’t get too upset. He said his mom and dad are coming up here tomorrow. His dad is bound to raise my blood pressure some! He’ll probably get kicked out for being loud! Mom is going to bring dad up here some time tomorrow also, and then Kristin and Brandon are going to come later. Right now I’m just tired of being in this bed. I wish I could at least get up and sit on the couch or in the rocking chair for a while. I’m also tired of having to unhook the leg massagers every time I have to go to the bathroom. They also told me I will have to continue to measure the quantity of my urine the whole time I’m here…I hate that also! I just want her to be here already!

May 2

35 weeks 5 days-The dr. on call came in this morning. She said pretty much we’re going to wait through the weekend and let Alexia grow a little bit and we’ll talk more next week about what’s going to happen. Mom and Dad came up today for a few hours. It was good to see Dad, I hadn’t seen him since I came up here. Jacob got up here around 11 and left around 6. I wish he would have stayed longer, or stayed the night, but oh well. Of course after he left I had my little meltdown. I just don’t feel like I can do this anymore. Physically and emotionally it’s too much. I know it’s what I have to do, I don’t have an option, but I just don’t feel like I can. This is the most depressed I’ve felt in a while. I want to just sleep all day and wake up to have it be over. But, there are so many people in and out of here. I feel like when mom or anyone else is here I need to be up and talking to them, because they came to see me. And I feel like the nurses/doctors wouldn’t look highly on my sleeping all day. Alexia was good on the monitor again tonight. I had 1 contraction while I was hooked up. Not enough to even mention! Jacob will be back tomorrow, and mom. I just want this to be over soon.

April 30

We did finally move rooms this afternoon. We are in a postpartum room. It’s about the same size as the other room, with a little more seating. I’m guessing this is where I’ll come back after Alexia finally decides to make her entrance. It was a very quiet morning down in the other room. I had no visitors, as Jacob and my mom both had to work. Sheila called and let me talk to Averie on the phone, and Grandma Eva called and talked to me. When we moved down here I could already tell that our nursing care was going to be better. I had so many nurses in and out of my room when I first got down here getting me weighed and all set up. It was so good to know that maybe someone will be checking in on us. Jacob got here and ate dinner, and we just watched tv and chatted. The same things we would do if we were at home! Right before he left they were coming in to hook me up to the monitors for the non stress test, so I couldn’t have my emotional breakdown that I’ve had the past 2 nights, because I knew it would affect the test. The test was good though, I pushed a button every time she moved so they could compare her heartrate to her movement. I talked to dad again tonight, and wasn’t as emotional. And talked to mom on the phone later. She’s going to be back up here tomorrow to take care of me and cut my hair! We’re all keeping our fingers crossed for a weekend baby! We’re all just so ready for her to be here!

April 29

Jacob came back this morning. Mom came a little bit later after she had some stuff to do at work. They both brought me magazines and I’ve been working on my wordsearch book. I’m halfway through though, so he’s going to have to bring me another one! It was a pretty boring day. I took a shower and fixed my hair and makeup though and that made me feel a little better about myself. The nurses were better today, but still no sign of when we’ll be changing rooms. We’re also back to measuring my urine because apparently I’m not producing enough urine. Here’s the deal. I’m connected to these leg massagers 24/7 so I don’t get blood clots in my legs from not moving around. So, everytime I need to go to the restroom, I have to unhook from them. It sucks! Especially during the night. And I feel like I have a constant urge to pee, like I’m going to explode if I don’t go, and then I get in there and it’s a few drops. So, granted, I haven’t been drinking a whole lot because I don’t want to get up to pee, I still think I’m doing okay, if you measure all the urine from 1 hour at the same time, instead of measuring it every time I go…every 10 minutes! Jacob left again tonight, to go home and do some laundry and get ready for work, he’s going back tomorrow. I cried uncontrollably after he left. And just overall felt good and sorry for myself. Then dad called to see how I was doing and that sent me over the edge again. I think I did okay on the phone with him. I’m sure he knew I was crying, but I don’t think it was out of control. It was just really sweet to hear from him. He was the kind of dad that you knew loved you, even if he didn’t say it a whole lot. So, for him to call me and put his emotions out there was overwhelming for me! I know the longer we are here, the better Alexia will do, but I’m so ready for her to be here and for us to be able to go home!

April 28

Sheila came up first thing in the morning to be up here with us. She was convinced they were going to induce today and she wanted to be here! Somehow my nurses fell through the cracks. Because I hadn’t been admitted yet I didn’t have a nurse. So, just whoever felt like checking on me is who did. I did have a really great nurse named Suzy, and a really great night nurse named Christen. But, Sheila had to go get my breakfast and lunch trays and then take them back down. It was awful! My dr. was so busy that day because she was the dr. on call. She had a lot of surgeries and emergencies. She didn’t end up getting to see us until like 7:00. She had no idea that I had been treated that way, and said that I would be moving rooms so it would be different. She said we would be admitted until delivery. All Jacob could do was smile, because he was so happy to know what was going to happen. And he knew we were going to be getting the best treatment, and there would be no more stressing out at home. However, all I could do was cry. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be growing big at home and finishing things up. Finishing all the plans that I started! And that’s not how it’s going to end up. She said my 24 hour urine sample came back with a protein level of 250. If it gets to 300 we will most likely induce. With that combined with the blood pressure. If it stays the way it is there’s a chance we will make it to 37 weeks and induce then. Unless my BP goes way up and stays up, and then we would induce for that. She also said that if I went into labor now she wouldn’t stop it. It’s really hard to induce labor while you’re on hospital bedrest though! That night we decided I wouldn’t have to be monitored constantly, just an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. And my bp/temp every 4 hours. So, I slept much more comfortably that night. They are also giving me ambient to help me sleep! Thank goodness, it’s a life saver. Because all I do is sit here and stress about what I could/should be doing at home! Jacob went home to sleep because he was so uncomfortable here, but he promises to be back in the morning.

hospital bedrest

Sitting here sucks! They finally admitted me last night, after being here for more than 30 hours not knowing what was going to happen. When my dr. finally came in and said I would be staying, all I could do was cry. I know this is what is best for Alexia, but it's not how it's supposed to be. I'm suppsed to be at home finishing her room and waiting for her. Instead I'm sitting in a bed getting poked daily, collecting my urine, hooked up to too many monitors, surrounded by people who worry. I'm 35 weeks 2 days, today. My dr. would like to wait until 37 weeks to deliver, but she doesn't seem to think I'll make it that far. My protein in my urine is creeping up, and my blood pressures are all over the place. I finally got to take a shower today, and I felt much better after that. I'm trying to make myself look decent for the people who show up to visit. My headache comes and goes...sometimes Tylenol helps, sometimes it doesn't. I did actually sleep pretty well last night...a combination of exhaustion, crying too much, and ambien. My back hurts from sitting in this bed. I can't find a comfortable position that lasts very long...and I try to be sitting up when people are here, but that's especially uncomfortable! I don't mean to complain, this just isn't how I wanted it to be. But, I keep telling myself that the next time I go home I will have Alexia with me! That makes me happy!

Don't know what to do

This is just a vent. It's probably not going to flow, or make any kind of sense...but I need to put it out there just to get it out of my head.
My BP has been out of control for a week now. I've been having crazy headaches, probably because of it. I've also been to labor and delivery twice. It's all disconcerning. All I want is for Alexia to be healthy. Everything I've read about high BP in pregnancy is not good...especially over a long period of time. All the blood vessels get constricted, causing the headaches, but even to the baby. So, the baby loses out on oxygen and nutrients. She has always been fine on the monitors when my BP has been high, so that makes me feel better. And even now she's moving pretty good (especially for morning)...she's more of a night person! But, I've also been told that the inconsistency in the BP isn't good either. And mine seems to fluctuate. It's just so wierd because I never had high BP before. Throughout the whole pregnancy it's been perfect at every visit. Then I get a week long headache and somebody says I should get it checked...come to find out it's through the roof.
I don't want to go back to labor and delivery if it's not necessary. Especially since I've been there twice. I don't want to be that freaky first time mom who goes in 200 times! But, I worry! I go to the dr. twice a week now, and I don't want her to send me to labor and delivery every time I go in!
I'm on bedrest...and I'm not so great at it! But, it's especially hard on the weekends and evenings when Jacob is home. Or this weekend we had so many people in and out of the house, cleaning, etc. I'm so thankful for all of that, but I felt like I should be up doing something! Even though every time I got up someone told me to sit down. By Saturday night my feet were swollen and my BP was high enough to warrant a page to the on-call dr. She told me it was up to me...thanks a lot! She said it may be the same as before where I stay for a couple hours and then go home, or they may admit me to hospital bedrest...because "some people just don't follow the rules on at home bedrest." Yep, that would probably be me! But, I also don't want to be on hospital bedrest for any amount of time.
My dr. had talked about inducing if we couldn't get the BP and headaches under control, even though there hasn't been protein in my urine. I will do whatever my dr. tells me to do. I trust her fully. I just know these last few weeks are so important to Alexia's health. So, I would like for her to stay in as long as she can. But at the same time, I'm ready for her to be here. I'm ready for this to be over with. I absolutely love being pregnant, and I will miss it terribly. And this may be the only time I get to experience it. But, with all the ups and downs, I just feel out of control. And that's not good! I'm a very controlling person. And I've planned and planned...which of course, just makes it more disappointing when you get thrown for a loop!
At this point I just want someone to give me a definate answer. "DO THIS." I would be more than happy to give over control this one time!