Do you ever have days where you seriously hate yourself? I mean, really hate everything about yourself? I'm having one of those days. My main HATE nowadays is my weight. I know I've complained about it before. But, it's really out of hand. I have no motivation or determination to do anything about it though. That makes me hate myself even more...the fact that I hate something so much, but still won't do anything about it. So, I joined sparkpeople.com to view their exercises, etc. It lets you track your calorie intake, so that's kinda nice. I also through conception-obsession joined fatbet.com We created a CO team. Whoever doesn't meet their goal for 7 weeks has to post an embarassing picture of themselves on CO. It got me kinda motivated to drink my 8 glasses of water and not eat so much junk food. Because I really don't want to post an embarassing picture of myself online.
Second hate that has been brought to my attention this evening is the fact that I don't have a job. I feel like I'm not contributing to my family at all. But at the same time I can't imagine having a job plus doing stuff around the house plus having Lexi. The dr. even said it's great that she isn't in daycare. Because she hasn't been sick at all, like most babies are when they get thrown in daycare. But, I feel like I do need a job...for money, and for my sanity. There are days when I feel like I'm going crazy sitting at home all day...just me and Lexi. I've started making scarves and stuff so my mom can put them in craft shows. But, even that isn't going to be very much. And I can only crochet when I'm not holding Lexi...which isn't very often. I really don't seem to think about it that much...but then it's brought to my attention. Tonight Jacob told me he wasn't going to do the dishes anymore. He said the reason he was doing them was because Lexi was so fussy, and now that she's doing better I can do them again. Well, chances are they aren't going to get done during the day. Because I'm not going to let her scream just so I can do the dishes. It's hard enough to get in the kitchen at 4:30 to start dinner so it will be ready @ 5. It's not about doing more stuff, because I'll do it. He works all day, so I will take the household responsibilities. But, it's finding time to do all the things that need done and still taking care of Lexi. I do good to get a shower every 2 or 3 days. I know, some of you will be repulsed by that. But, let's face it. By the time Lexi goes to sleep I'm ready to fall in bed myself without taking a shower!
Hate #3...I hate that there are so many great people in the world and I'm not one of them. I hate the fact that I know so many awesome people. Some wrote a note in facebook today...and all it had was a list of amazing traits about amazing people. I was tagged in the note. I don't know which statement was about me. But, I didn't feel like I fit any of the traits. I'm not beautiful. I'm not a great woman of God. People don't turn to me with their problems. I don't have great hair or great makeup. I don't have a smile on my face all the time. I'm not a very nice person, and I'm not in church every time the doors are opened. I don't always have something great to say about everyone. The list could go on and on. Basically, I don't know why I was tagged in this note...because nothing fits me. I wish I could be her! She is the most amazing person!
Anyways...enough complaining and babbling. Off to go do laundry and get Lexi ready for bathtime/bedtime!