Sunday, August 23, 2009

Tired of this

Posted by danielle at 9:54 PM 0 comments Links to this post
I'm tired of being fat. Seriously tired of it. I'm tired of struggling to find clothes that look halfway decent. I'm tired of still wearing my maternity shirts because they are loose enough to cover up my belly somewhat. I'm tired of trying every different diet out there and having nothing work. Most of all I hate myself for not having any motivation to do anything about it. But, I honestly feel like I have good excuses for my eating and non-excercise habits. I can't excercise while I'm here alone with Lexi. She naps for 10-15 minutes at a time during the day, and the rest of the time she pretty much demands to be held. That also interferes with my eating habits. Most of the time I have to try to eat things that I can eat with one hand while I'm holding her. So, the majority of those foods are not really good for you. This also brings up the fact that Lexi is getting more and more spoiled by the second. But I literally can't tolerate listening to her scream. She'll scream until she chokes, and that scares me to death. So, I don't want to do anything that's going to make her do that. It's just so much easier for me at the time to just hold her, rather than try to let her cry it out. By the time Jacob gets home and I cook dinner and let him eat I don't feel like walking on the treadmill or doing any kind of excercise. So, I end up just eating dinner and not doing anything active.
I brought Alli up this week, and I guess it didn't go over too well with Jacob. He doesn't like that it is so expensive. But, if we would add up all the diet pills that I've tried, that haven't worked, it would be way more than that. I know people who have tried it and it has worked really well.
Blah blah, I know alli would be taking the "easy" way out. But, maybe it will give me a jumpstart to losing weight and I will be able to see that I CAN lose weight and be more motivated to doing more.
All I know is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hating the way I look. I'm sick of feeling like people are always staring at me because of the way I look. I'm sick of feeling like I don't have anything cute to wear because of my weight. I'm sick of having a closet full of clothes that I don't wear because I don't like the way they fit me.
For some reason I'm just feeling really awful about myself tonight. I seriously stood in the kitchen with the fridge open, looking for something to eat and almost cried. I want to eat. And I know I'm going to end up eating something that's totally bad for me. But, at the same time I don't want to eat. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Letting go

Posted by danielle at 9:46 PM 0 comments Links to this post
I remember the first time I let Salem (our kitty) outside by himself. I was trying to get him ready to be outside all the time. I swear, I went to the window and checked on him every 5 minutes for an hour. Then brought him in and loved on him, and didn't take him back outside until the next weekend. There was a part of me that really wanted him to stay an inside cat forever. But, another part of me knew he would like it outside better. We were gone to work all day and were often gone the majority of the weekends. He would have so much more fun outside, exploring and finding new things. I was thinking about that today for some reason. And it made me wonder how hard it's going to be to let Lexi go. I'm really looking for a job now. Mainly because Jacob feels like he needs to get a part time job, on top of his full time job. And I don't like that. How hard will it be to drop her off that first day at daycare and be without her all day? She has spent the day with Granny and Nana, and stayed all night. But, somehow this feels different. I feel like it's so abnormal to leave her somewhere, with strangers, while I go off to work. Part of me feels like I need to go back to work, simply for my sanity. There are days when I want to scream right along with her. But, the other part of me wants to just sit here and hold her and stare at her all day until she's too big to hold! Then that brings up, how hard will her first day of school be for me? I specifically remember my first day of 4th grade. I remember holding back the tears as my mom talked to the teacher and prepared to leave. I remember the teacher (Mrs. Taylor) asking my mom if I was going to be ok. She knew that I was ready to cry. My mom just said yes, gave me another hug and left. Just thinking about it now is making me want to cry. I never want Lexi to feel like that. And I can't imagine what it feels like as a parent to leave your child at school for a whole day...knowing that they are slowly growing up. That 4th grader in me never really left. When I went to college I came home every Friday, and cried when I went back every Sunday. To this day when we visit family, or when family visits, I have to hold back tears when I leave. I don't know why, it's just who I am. Then, what happens when Lexi goes to college? Seriously! I know I missed out on so much by never letting myself LOVE college the way Lisa and Kristin have. And I want Lexi to experience everything that college has to offer. But, how am I going to let her go? How am I going to watch her get married? Believing that no man will ever be good enough for her. I told her just today how much I love her. How I'll always be here for her. How I'll never leave, and I'll never let her go. But, that's not true. One day I will have to let her go. One day I will leave her. I just don't know how to face the future. 1 day at a time, I guess.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Tired

Posted by danielle at 10:44 AM 0 comments Links to this post
I'm tired of having conversation/arguments that end up being pointless. Why say you're going to do something if you're not. It sucks! If I wanted to be a single parent I never would have gotten married. I love Lexi with all my heart, but sometimes I need/want a break. The only break I get is when I'm cooking dinner. I feed her, change her, bathe her, put her to bed at night, and get up with her in the morning. I love that I'm here with her all day. But, it sucks to have to do everything by myself. And even if I'm not going to do it I might as well be doing it because I have to give step by step instructions. We've had her for 3 months. You would think it would be second nature to do what needs done. I guess it is for me, but not him. She woke up at 7 this morning after not going to bed until after 11. I got up with her. He didn't get up until 10:40. And then asks me what I want to do since he slept in so late. Obviously it doesn't matter what I want to do. I want to buy stuff to make crafts for craft shows this fall, to make some extra money. I was able to go to Michael's last night, but not buy anything. We go to Kohl's and I spent my whole time trying to find a bra....I got 1 that I put on this morning and immediately took back off. I'm going to have to return it. I got Lexi 2 outfits and 2 pairs of jeans. Did I get myself anything, no. It freaking sucks. I just want 1 time that something revolves around me. I know that's selfish, but come on. I spend every single day doing what other people want to do. My life revolves around Lexi's needs 24/7. And then I can't even do what I want to on the weekend because Jacob works all week and he needs a weekend too. It sucks, and I'm tired of it. I guess I won't get any respect around here until I get a job. And then my life is just going to get harder...because I'll be working and still having to do everything for Lexi while I'm home. Then I feel like I'm rushed all the time. We go to the grocery store and I always end up leaving without something because I'm so rushed. Because he doesn't feel like it's necessary to go down every aisle. Seriously, if I don't go down every aisle then I will forget something. And every time we go to the grocery store I have to wear Lexi in the backpack carrier thing because she won't just sit in the carseat like a normal child. It's a million degrees here in Oklahoma and stores don't get the idea that they're going to have to crank the a/c to compensate for all the people and the doors opening and closing all day long. So, it's always hot in every store. I'm just so freaking tired of so many things. But, arguments are pointless. I get told that things will change and I will get more help, and then that never happens and it's back to the same argument. I just don't know what to do.
 

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