Sunday, August 23, 2009

Tired of this

Posted by danielle at 9:54 PM
I'm tired of being fat. Seriously tired of it. I'm tired of struggling to find clothes that look halfway decent. I'm tired of still wearing my maternity shirts because they are loose enough to cover up my belly somewhat. I'm tired of trying every different diet out there and having nothing work. Most of all I hate myself for not having any motivation to do anything about it. But, I honestly feel like I have good excuses for my eating and non-excercise habits. I can't excercise while I'm here alone with Lexi. She naps for 10-15 minutes at a time during the day, and the rest of the time she pretty much demands to be held. That also interferes with my eating habits. Most of the time I have to try to eat things that I can eat with one hand while I'm holding her. So, the majority of those foods are not really good for you. This also brings up the fact that Lexi is getting more and more spoiled by the second. But I literally can't tolerate listening to her scream. She'll scream until she chokes, and that scares me to death. So, I don't want to do anything that's going to make her do that. It's just so much easier for me at the time to just hold her, rather than try to let her cry it out. By the time Jacob gets home and I cook dinner and let him eat I don't feel like walking on the treadmill or doing any kind of excercise. So, I end up just eating dinner and not doing anything active.
I brought Alli up this week, and I guess it didn't go over too well with Jacob. He doesn't like that it is so expensive. But, if we would add up all the diet pills that I've tried, that haven't worked, it would be way more than that. I know people who have tried it and it has worked really well.
Blah blah, I know alli would be taking the "easy" way out. But, maybe it will give me a jumpstart to losing weight and I will be able to see that I CAN lose weight and be more motivated to doing more.
All I know is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hating the way I look. I'm sick of feeling like people are always staring at me because of the way I look. I'm sick of feeling like I don't have anything cute to wear because of my weight. I'm sick of having a closet full of clothes that I don't wear because I don't like the way they fit me.
For some reason I'm just feeling really awful about myself tonight. I seriously stood in the kitchen with the fridge open, looking for something to eat and almost cried. I want to eat. And I know I'm going to end up eating something that's totally bad for me. But, at the same time I don't want to eat. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

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