Monday, August 17, 2009

Letting go

Posted by danielle at 9:46 PM
I remember the first time I let Salem (our kitty) outside by himself. I was trying to get him ready to be outside all the time. I swear, I went to the window and checked on him every 5 minutes for an hour. Then brought him in and loved on him, and didn't take him back outside until the next weekend. There was a part of me that really wanted him to stay an inside cat forever. But, another part of me knew he would like it outside better. We were gone to work all day and were often gone the majority of the weekends. He would have so much more fun outside, exploring and finding new things. I was thinking about that today for some reason. And it made me wonder how hard it's going to be to let Lexi go. I'm really looking for a job now. Mainly because Jacob feels like he needs to get a part time job, on top of his full time job. And I don't like that. How hard will it be to drop her off that first day at daycare and be without her all day? She has spent the day with Granny and Nana, and stayed all night. But, somehow this feels different. I feel like it's so abnormal to leave her somewhere, with strangers, while I go off to work. Part of me feels like I need to go back to work, simply for my sanity. There are days when I want to scream right along with her. But, the other part of me wants to just sit here and hold her and stare at her all day until she's too big to hold! Then that brings up, how hard will her first day of school be for me? I specifically remember my first day of 4th grade. I remember holding back the tears as my mom talked to the teacher and prepared to leave. I remember the teacher (Mrs. Taylor) asking my mom if I was going to be ok. She knew that I was ready to cry. My mom just said yes, gave me another hug and left. Just thinking about it now is making me want to cry. I never want Lexi to feel like that. And I can't imagine what it feels like as a parent to leave your child at school for a whole day...knowing that they are slowly growing up. That 4th grader in me never really left. When I went to college I came home every Friday, and cried when I went back every Sunday. To this day when we visit family, or when family visits, I have to hold back tears when I leave. I don't know why, it's just who I am. Then, what happens when Lexi goes to college? Seriously! I know I missed out on so much by never letting myself LOVE college the way Lisa and Kristin have. And I want Lexi to experience everything that college has to offer. But, how am I going to let her go? How am I going to watch her get married? Believing that no man will ever be good enough for her. I told her just today how much I love her. How I'll always be here for her. How I'll never leave, and I'll never let her go. But, that's not true. One day I will have to let her go. One day I will leave her. I just don't know how to face the future. 1 day at a time, I guess.

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