I took an ambien, well over an hour ago and I have yet to feel drowsy. So we'll see where this post leads me. Down a sad road, where once again I want to change my life, but don't know how and don't know where to start. I need a job! That's an understatement. I needed a job like 10 months ago! I absolutely LOVE staying home with Lexi all day, but I feel like we need time apart from each other. She's starting to understand what buttons to push that grate mommy's nerves...and she loves to push them! Also, she's going to have to become accomodated to not being held all the time. At least 75% of her day she is being held. She will sit in the exersaucer for a while. She may lay on the floor for a while and roll around. Which brings me to the point of her rolling. She rolls up onto her side and that's as far as she goes. She won't roll all the way over to her belly. She has always hated tummy time...so I don't know if she realizes that if she rolls all the way over, that's where she'll be. She has rolled from her belly to her back...further emphasizing the hate for tummy time. I don't want her to fall behind on her milestones just because she's spoiled to being held all the time.
My second reason for wanting a job is of course to bring in money to help financially support my family. Jacob shouldn't have to do it alone...that's not what he signed up for!
The third reason would be simply so I would get a little credit. SAHM's get zero credit for anything they do. I've never heard of a SAHM who busted her ass to get everything done and then was actually thanked when her hubby came home. That's the hard part about my JOB as a MOM. It may appear as though I sit here on my fat ass all day and never leave the couch. But, that isn't the case. In the rare 5 minutes that Lexi is being an angel there is dinner to plan, dishes to wash, clothes to wash, bottles to wash, clothes to put away, dinner to cook. It's really hard to get all those things accomplished in 5 minute intervals. So, if dinner is burnt or your clothes are wrinkly because they sat in the dryer too long...give me a little bit of a break. In this house we don't take naps. I'm so thankful that Lexi sleeps well through the night. But, she gets so cranky during the day and will take like a 10-15 minute power nap. Well, like as mentioned above, it's hard to get a lot done in those 10 minutes. Because in these little breaks is when I get to brush my hair and teeth, change out of pajamas, pee, and maybe get to eat something.
I respect all SAHM's! I hope they all get the respect they deserve! As for me...as soon as I find a job, I'll be sending Lexi to daycare. Maybe they can win a battle or two for me!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Posted by danielle at 8:49 PM
Tomorrow, I'd rather not wake up. Why you ask? Because then I have to face the shit hole that is my life. I know that sounds terrible. But, it's how I feel. Nothing goes right for me. I have a beautiful little girl who needs me...but I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I have a husband, who unfortunately thinks less of me by the day. It would be easier to not get up anymore. I don't do anything right. I lose my patience with Lexi far too often. I always pray for forgiveness for it at the end of the day, because I know it's wrong. But, I get so irritated with her crying/screaming all day. Tonight she was screaming while I was giving her a bath and getting her ready for bed. I couldn't stand it. It just gets under my skin. I know she's spoiled to being held all the time, but there's nothing I can do about it now, besides listen to her cry. But dammit I'm a good mom. I don't care what he says or what he thinks he sees. I love that little girl with my whole heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She's the only thing keeping me alive right now.
Posted by danielle at 6:34 PM
Today I did not go to 2 different stores to do my grocery shopping because I couldn't get everything I needed at one place. Add this to the 1 place I did not go yesterday.
I did not buy 11 cans of nutramigen formula on my wic that does not cost over $255.
I did not mix carrots, peaches, and apples all together because Lexi will only eat vegetables if they are mixed with a fruit.
I did not drop the F-bomb over 100 times today!
I did not cry hard and uncontrollable over something petty.
I guess over all it was not an eventful Monday!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Posted by danielle at 3:27 PM
It's Sunday afternoon and I'm home alone. Jacob took Lexi to Nana and Papaw's house for a visit. I was supposed to go, but alas depression is kicking my ass and I just wanted some time alone. I can't say I've gotten a lot done this weekend. Basically I just hung out and caught up on sleep. Friday night I didn't get to sleep until after 4am Saturday morning. I slept 'til 10 and then got up because I didn't want to sleep all day. I went and bought an oven pizza and new potatoes. I cooked the pizza for lunch and threw the new potatoes and a pork roast in the crock pot for dinner (Jacob doesn't like roast or new potatoes.) I decided around 2 to take a nap. As I layed down in bed and turned the tv on to 48 hours mystery it reminded me of "old times." I used to nap on Saturdays and Sundays...around that time, with those same shows on the tv. I ended up waking up about 5:30. I really didn't want to get up, but I wanted to be able to fall asleep at a decent time that night. I ate some of the roast and potatoes for dinner...they were yum! Watched OSU play football, took a bath, and headed to bed around 1. Got up around 10 this morning. I've been sitting here really bored all day. I read a blog that made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe. All in all I've realized that I do love my life. I miss my Lexi so much right now! I can't wait for her and Jacob to be home. I was just reading a blog where the lady said her and her husband layed in bed talking for 2 hours after they woke up. I miss that! I miss Jacob and I laying in bed talking and laughing at night. And waking up on the weekends together. We don't hardly ever go to bed at the same time anymore, and even if we did I would be too tired to lay there and talk for hours. Then when we wake up on the weekends, it's because Lexi has woken up, so we definately can't lay in bed and talk then! I gave away a whole box of diapers today that Lexi has outgrown. It made me feel good to be able to help someone out. But at the same time it made me sad that she's outgrown them. She really is tiny still...but she's growing and changing so much. She's 5 months old now. Still wearing 0-3 month clothes for the most part. Just moved into size 2 diapers. And Friday she started getting a tooth. According to Jacob it really started poking through this weekend, so I can't wait to see it! Mine and Jacob's anniversary is this week. No clue what we're going to do, as it's on a Thursday night, or if we're going to get each other gifts. Usually for anniversaries and Christmas we just buy one thing that we both want but couldn't see purchasing on a regular day. I don't really think there's anything that we are both wanting right now though, so don't know how that will work out! So, here's to a new attitude, a refreshing weekend, and just love in general!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Posted by danielle at 5:49 PM
I woke up today not realizing what day it was. I immediately logged onto facebook, as I do every morning...to find several people had posted about today being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I immediately started crying. I love my Lexi girl with all my heart. But, my heart aches for the babies I lost. I can't help but think about whether they would have been boys or girls. What they would be doing now. I wish I never would have been dealt this card. And I wish I didn't know anyone else who has been dealt the same card. It's unfair! Infertility shouldn't happen to anyone! And pregnancy or infant loss should never happen to anyone! I find is especially cruel that so many women who battle infertility then have to fight the battle of pregnancy or infant loss. So, tonight I will be lighting my candle and thinking about my babies. And praying for all the women around the world who are doing the same thing today!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Posted by danielle at 1:29 PM
It's kicking my ass today. The dr won't refill my antidepressant, so it's been 3 days without it. I didn't get a job I interviewed for yesterday. All Lexi wants to do is scream. I just want to go to bed and never get up. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. Living is too hard. It just sucks! I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate the fact that I need antidepressants to live my life. Too bad I don't have anything that will knock me out. I feel like I need to be admitted to the psych ward. I shouldn't have the thoughts that I have. Normal people don't think about how many tylenol pm it would take to put them in the hospital.