Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I just want to say:

Posted by danielle at 10:01 PM 1 comments Links to this post
I love my daughter.
I love my husband.
I don't feel like I have post partum depression. And even if I did, I'm taking an anti-depressant, so that's all I can do, right?
I'll admit that I count down the days in the week until the weekend, because I know Jacob will be here for 2 full days to help me.
I'll admit that I count down the hours that Lexi should sleep, so that I can rest also, and think about all the things I have to accomplish in that time.
I'll admit that I count down the hours from when Jacob leaves at 1:00 to go back to work from lunch, until 5:00 when he gets off work.
I love it when people come to see Lexi, but I hate feeling like I have to try to entertain another person.
I hate when other people don't do things the same way I do.
I hate the phrase "we're just worried about you."
I wish someone would tell me when Lexi will sleep through the night...because I would be counting down the days to that as well!
I love her, but I'm stressed and overwhelmed. But, a hundred people asking me if I'm okay only makes me feel more stressed. Everyone telling me they're "worried" about me makes me more stressed.
Jacob told me today that he gets the impression that I feel like Lexi is a burden to me. That's not how I feel at all. I just feel like after all night and all day, I need a break from her. She is my job. Most people work 8 hours and then they get to go home to their families and have a break from their work. When you're a mom that's not the case. There's nowhere to go to take a break...so having Jacob take care of her for a few hours is my only break. Some days it's my only chance at keeping my sanity. And I'll admit yesterday was one of those days. So, if you read my blog and thought that I feel like my daughter is burdening me...just know I was stressed, overwhelmed, had no sleep, and had been in an argument with my husband, all while my daughter is refusing to sleep. Which, speaking of, that's exactly what she's doing now!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

June 16...LONG!

Posted by danielle at 9:42 PM 2 comments Links to this post
June 16, 2009—I can’t handle the way I’m being treated around here. I understand that Jacob works. But, it’s a lot of work to stay home with Alexia all day too. I don’t get credit for that. “You stay at home all day.” I’m tired of that shit. “When I get home I have things I need to do.” Oh yeah? I have things that I need to do around here too. And I have to do them with her, by myself. There’s no one here during the day to hand her off to while I do dishes or laundry or eat 1 meal. So yeah, whenever he gets home I want to be able to hand her off to him and take a shower and rest. Apparently that’s too much to ask, because he asked me tonight when he was going to get a break. Really? When am I going to get a break? Thank goodness my mom has kept her a couple of Friday nights for us, so I can get some sleep. And Sheila and Grandma Eva have offered to come over to watch her during the day if I need a break. But, for some reason it’s so hard for me to ask for help. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like if I ask for help all I’m doing is telling the world that I can’t take care of my baby. And it feels like tonight Jacob is trying his hardest to make me feel like a horrible mom. He is forever asking me questions that I don’t have the answer to. Questions that he should know I don’t have the answer to. Lexi has a rash on her neck, inside the fat roll, from where she drools so much when she eats, and it stays wet all the time. Well, I’ve been putting desitin on it, because I don’t know what else to do for it. So, it looks worse because it’s all white and gross in there. So, he brings her over and says, “this doesn’t concern you?” Well, I don’t like that she has a rash, but I’ve been putting medicine on it, and it’s 9:00pm, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it right now. There’s nothing I can do about the way I feel about him right now either. Because I don’t want to start a fight. Because we have Lexi here and there’s nothing that either of us is going to agree on right now. Because he doesn’t care that he hurts my feelings. He doesn’t understand that he tells me that he’s going to change, but then nothing ever changes. I just want a break in the evenings. But, every day after work he has something better to do than come straight home. Then he’ll take Lexi for a little while, until he gets tired of messing with her, or until he has something “better” to do, then he hands her over to me. It pisses me off because I don’t have that option, ever! I can’t get tired of holding her or listening to her cry, because it’s me, by myself, all day, every day. But, what pisses me off the most is when I’m up with her all night and he’s laying in bed, with his head on MY pillow, sleeping. Why, as soon as I get out of bed to get Lexi does he have to roll over onto my pillow? I just want to throw something at his head! Seriously, a concussion is in his near future.
I don’t know if we need to switch her formula or what. She spits up an awful lot, and she’s been terribly fussy today. We got the thrush kind of under control and then she gets constipated for like 3 days, no poop! I finally had to give her a suppository 2 days in a row just so she could go. Then she went 2 days on her own, and now today we’re back to nothing. I don’t know what to do about that either. Today she would eat 1 oz and then fall into a deep sleep so I would lay her down. She would lay there for anywhere from 5-20 minutes and then wake up screaming. I think she’s still too young to let her cry it out, so I don’t have another choice but to go get her and hold her.
My PCP switched my Prozac to Celexa. I don’t know if it’s working or not. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to give it before I ask for something different or a different dosage. I know there isn’t going to be a miracle pill that makes me feel better. But, damn I would like to feel normal again. Sitting here tonight I want to just ball myself up in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and then sleep forever. That’s how I used to feel when I would get really depressed. Except for now I can’t do that, because I have to take care of Lexi. And I’m sure nobody wants to come over and watch her just so I can feed my depression. The migraines have been horrible lately. It seems like I get one every other day. I got medicine for it, but it doesn’t always help.
I need a job! I need a job for money, obviously. But, I also need a job for my sanity. That’s horrible, I know. I prayed for a baby for so long. And I wouldn’t give her back for anything! But, I feel like I need to go back to work now. I need time away from this house. I need a reason for Jacob to take back over some of the responsibilities around here. We used to split laundry and dishes, but since I “don’t work” I get them all! It sucks! Because like I mentioned before, it’s hard to do everything that needs to be done and still take care of Lexi.
Most of all it hurts me because he just doesn’t understand. Right now he’s sitting there talking shit about how I’m going to blog, and no one ever here’s his side of the story, and how everyone online hates him. I’m sorry if I have one way to vent. Because I sure as hell can’t talk to him about anything. Everything starts a fight and I just don’t have the energy to fight with him.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Haven't blogged

Posted by danielle at 12:05 AM 2 comments Links to this post
I haven't blogged in a while. I'm still keeping my journal updated almost daily. But, seeing as how I might get stalked out by certain people, some of the journal entries will remain on my computer only and not be posted! Things have been crazy around here. Lexi has an ear infection, so she's taking antibiotics. Now she has thrush on her tongue from the antibiotics. I haven't taken her to the dr. yet..that's tomorrow...but I'm pretty sure it's thrush. Hopefully he'll look in her ears and tell me that they are getting better. And hopefully she will get some medicine for her tongue, because apparently thrush is very painful...and she acts like it is. I'm going to see my PCP tomorrow about postpartum depression and my headaches. He's the one that prescribed the prozac a while back, so he has to be the one that changes the medicine or dosage or whatever, not my OB. I feel like I have PPD, but not like you hear about on the news. I don't want to hurt myself or Alexia. I just feel like the depression I was already battling is more exaggerated now. Whenever it would get really bad before I would lay in bed for days...and that's how I feel now. But, I can't do that because I have to take care of Lexi. I would never hurt her! I love her with every piece of me! I understand that some people are concerned about me because of things I have posted on facebook or twitter. Those are my feelings at that exact moment. I'm sorry I called my newborn "needy" but she is sick and has been awfully needy lately. When she came home from the hospital she was perfectly content to sit in the bouncy seat all day. Now, she just wants to be held all the time. I consider that a personality change, and I consider it needy...sorry if you take offense to that. I'm glad people are concerned, but I don't think it warranted that big of an ordeal! Anyways...
The BP medicine is helping my BP, but not my head like the PA thought it would. So, when I see the PCP tomorrow I will hopefully be able to get some headache medicine. I'm just worried because you can't take many depression medicines and migraine medicines together, but I don't know how they pick which one is worse! I also worry because I can't take anything that's going to knock me out or make me feel loopy! I'm here with Lexi all day, and Jacob can take care of her in the evenings, but I do nights because he works...so I need to be somewhat alert even at night!
Well, if things calm down and my journal/blog can get back to normal things will be updated more often!
 

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