Tuesday, June 16, 2009

June 16...LONG!

Posted by danielle at 9:42 PM
June 16, 2009—I can’t handle the way I’m being treated around here. I understand that Jacob works. But, it’s a lot of work to stay home with Alexia all day too. I don’t get credit for that. “You stay at home all day.” I’m tired of that shit. “When I get home I have things I need to do.” Oh yeah? I have things that I need to do around here too. And I have to do them with her, by myself. There’s no one here during the day to hand her off to while I do dishes or laundry or eat 1 meal. So yeah, whenever he gets home I want to be able to hand her off to him and take a shower and rest. Apparently that’s too much to ask, because he asked me tonight when he was going to get a break. Really? When am I going to get a break? Thank goodness my mom has kept her a couple of Friday nights for us, so I can get some sleep. And Sheila and Grandma Eva have offered to come over to watch her during the day if I need a break. But, for some reason it’s so hard for me to ask for help. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like if I ask for help all I’m doing is telling the world that I can’t take care of my baby. And it feels like tonight Jacob is trying his hardest to make me feel like a horrible mom. He is forever asking me questions that I don’t have the answer to. Questions that he should know I don’t have the answer to. Lexi has a rash on her neck, inside the fat roll, from where she drools so much when she eats, and it stays wet all the time. Well, I’ve been putting desitin on it, because I don’t know what else to do for it. So, it looks worse because it’s all white and gross in there. So, he brings her over and says, “this doesn’t concern you?” Well, I don’t like that she has a rash, but I’ve been putting medicine on it, and it’s 9:00pm, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it right now. There’s nothing I can do about the way I feel about him right now either. Because I don’t want to start a fight. Because we have Lexi here and there’s nothing that either of us is going to agree on right now. Because he doesn’t care that he hurts my feelings. He doesn’t understand that he tells me that he’s going to change, but then nothing ever changes. I just want a break in the evenings. But, every day after work he has something better to do than come straight home. Then he’ll take Lexi for a little while, until he gets tired of messing with her, or until he has something “better” to do, then he hands her over to me. It pisses me off because I don’t have that option, ever! I can’t get tired of holding her or listening to her cry, because it’s me, by myself, all day, every day. But, what pisses me off the most is when I’m up with her all night and he’s laying in bed, with his head on MY pillow, sleeping. Why, as soon as I get out of bed to get Lexi does he have to roll over onto my pillow? I just want to throw something at his head! Seriously, a concussion is in his near future.
I don’t know if we need to switch her formula or what. She spits up an awful lot, and she’s been terribly fussy today. We got the thrush kind of under control and then she gets constipated for like 3 days, no poop! I finally had to give her a suppository 2 days in a row just so she could go. Then she went 2 days on her own, and now today we’re back to nothing. I don’t know what to do about that either. Today she would eat 1 oz and then fall into a deep sleep so I would lay her down. She would lay there for anywhere from 5-20 minutes and then wake up screaming. I think she’s still too young to let her cry it out, so I don’t have another choice but to go get her and hold her.
My PCP switched my Prozac to Celexa. I don’t know if it’s working or not. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to give it before I ask for something different or a different dosage. I know there isn’t going to be a miracle pill that makes me feel better. But, damn I would like to feel normal again. Sitting here tonight I want to just ball myself up in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and then sleep forever. That’s how I used to feel when I would get really depressed. Except for now I can’t do that, because I have to take care of Lexi. And I’m sure nobody wants to come over and watch her just so I can feed my depression. The migraines have been horrible lately. It seems like I get one every other day. I got medicine for it, but it doesn’t always help.
I need a job! I need a job for money, obviously. But, I also need a job for my sanity. That’s horrible, I know. I prayed for a baby for so long. And I wouldn’t give her back for anything! But, I feel like I need to go back to work now. I need time away from this house. I need a reason for Jacob to take back over some of the responsibilities around here. We used to split laundry and dishes, but since I “don’t work” I get them all! It sucks! Because like I mentioned before, it’s hard to do everything that needs to be done and still take care of Lexi.
Most of all it hurts me because he just doesn’t understand. Right now he’s sitting there talking shit about how I’m going to blog, and no one ever here’s his side of the story, and how everyone online hates him. I’m sorry if I have one way to vent. Because I sure as hell can’t talk to him about anything. Everything starts a fight and I just don’t have the energy to fight with him.

2 comments on "June 16...LONG!"

Mrs. Meryhew on June 18, 2009 at 5:00 PM said...

I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to have a newborn. I know it completely changes your life once a baby comes into play. I think you are doing a great job at doing the best you can do. You are not a crappy mom, because you are there and you love her with all your heart. That is much more than MANY other moms are doing. And I don't think it's bad that you want a job. I think that decision depends on each mom. I don't think I will want to stay at home for long. I imagine I would go crazy after a few weeks. Danielle, you are doing so great with your little blessing!

Mimi on June 19, 2009 at 3:46 PM said...

I know exactly what you mean about having a job! I wish so badly sometimes that I worked but we could never afford he childcare expense for all of our kids so I'm here. One other option you might do is enroll her in a mother's day out program once a week. Then you could spend the morning getting caught up on the things you feel like you need to do and the afternoon getting a nice long nap. I wish I could help you out somehow. I've been where you are to an extent, and I know I am only getting your side of the story and I don't know Jacob all that well but you have to find a way for him to realize that Lexi and the house are just as much his responsibility as yours. I do the dishes maybe twice a month. My husband does the dishes the rest of the time. He cleans up the living room maybe 4 times a month (the weekends) I do it everyday. I do more of the house work but he does a whole lot of it too and he does the things I hate. Unclogging toilets, cleaning up the remnants of Maeve and Tripp's poop fight (Maeve rubbed it all over her crib railings, I mean ALL over.) The only thing I will caution you about working is that once she gets a little bit older (I'm talking maybe two more months) she will be so fun and she will start sleeping more at night time and being awake during the day. They are so fun at that age. An exersaucer will be your best friend. I can even give you some baby einsteins dvd's and make some copies of the your baby can read dvd's. Don't feel bad about putting her in the exersaucer popping in a dvd and taking a shower or even falling asleep on the couch while she is watching. It will get easier and I worry that if you go back to work now that you will be wishing you hadn't once she is doing better. A lady I know went back to work and she missed her sons first steps the other day. She was crushed. I also wonder how much things will change with you back at work. I remember when you were working that you were upset sometimes because you both worked but you felt like Jacob expected you to do all the housework. What if you go back to work and she still has problems sleeping and you are the one staying up with her at night and then you have to work and then come home and cook dinner while the baby cries? I don't know that Jacob would do that, I don't really know him at all. I'm just throwing out scenarios and playing devil's advocate so that you can make the best decision for you. You might even get Dave Ramsey's books as there are lots of great ideas for eliminating debt and everything. You might find a way to cut expenses so you guys don't need a second income. I know so many women who went back to work for "just a little bit" and they said it became next to impossible to survive without that second income. Granted most of these women had kids in school or a grandma watching them for free. Just look at all your options and all the possible outcomes and choose what is best for your family, then ignore what anyone says... except for me of course :D


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