Monday, July 20, 2009

Fat Girl

Posted by danielle at 9:17 PM 3 comments Links to this post
That's me! I weighed myself tonight. I'm at my heaviest weight ever. I wasn't even this big when I was pregnant. I could literally cry right now. I remember telling myself that I would never get above 150. Then after I hit that I remember telling myself I would never hit 200. Well apparently tonight I hit that, plus some. I'm so disappointed in myself. After I had Lexi I dropped the weight really fast. I was in my pre-pregnancy jeans before she even came home from the NICU. Everyone went on and on about how good I looked. I guess I was foolish for getting used to hearing those comments. Now I'm bigger than ever and feel like complete shit. I tell myself that I'll start walking on the treadmill, but then by the time Jacob gets home from work I'm exhausted from taking care of Lexi all day, and I just don't feel like doing it. I've got to do something though, because this just isn't ok. None of my jeans really fit anymore, and I don't have the money to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe because I'm a fatty. I lack motivation and dedication to diet. Lisa has had great luck with Weight Watchers, but it's because she's dedicated to it. I don't have the willpower to only eat so many "points" per day. I love food too much. That has always been my issue. I'm tired of being the fat girl!

Saturday, July 18, 2009


Posted by danielle at 10:31 PM 0 comments Links to this post
I hate money issues. I need to find a job that will help support us + pay for childcare. That's the kicker. With most jobs that I've looked at by the time I pay childcare I won't be bringing home hardly anything. So, it's pretty pointless to get a job!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I wish...

Posted by danielle at 9:15 PM 0 comments Links to this post
I was pregnant and on bedrest again! Seriously...that's how horrible of a person I am. I enjoyed being able to lay in bed all day and have a reason to not have to get up!

Thankful Thursday 7/16/09

Posted by danielle at 8:54 PM 0 comments Links to this post

I'm thankful for Alexia Rosemay. She was born 4 weeks early. She weighed 5lb 5oz and was just 17 3/4 inches long. She was in the NICU for 9 days. I'm sure while she was in there she endured way more than I will ever be able to handle. I'm so blessed to have her in my life! She is my miracle baby and the reason I get out of bed each morning.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

feelings tonight

Posted by danielle at 9:04 PM 0 comments Links to this post
It seems like you always have something better to do than be at home with your family. There's always work or there's always someone else who needs something. What about what your wife needs? Don't tell me I'm acting like Lexi is a burden, because I don't feel that way at all. I just need a break every once and a while. I would like to shower every day. I would like to not have to rush through a meal because I have to comfort a crying baby.
I don't know why I feel so different tonight. Maybe because Lexi has had a great few days and then this afternoon it was back to crying for "no" reason. But, Jacob didn't get home until after 7. I had been up since 6:30. Yes, I took like an hour and a half nap this morning while Lexi slept, but still. That's working from 6:30 until...who knows because I'm still working. Yes, I consider motherhood work. It's a full time job. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to work, because I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now. But, when the phone rang and he tried to walk someone through their computer problem, and then proceeded to tell them he would be right over, it cut to the bone. He ate out, while I balanced cooking dinner, eating dinner, and taking care of a baby. Jennifer was here when he got home, and she made a joke about him getting "the hand off." He very quickly said "That's not going to happen! I'm hot from riding in a truck with no air conditioner." Wow, that cut to the bone also. So, as I laid Lexi in bed at 8:30, went and took my nightly medication and walked back in to find her awake and fussing, I couldn't help but sit down and cry. I don't know why tonight of all nights it became too much to handle. But, I'm tired. And not just physically, I feel mentally exhausted. There's always something that needs to be done. "Sleep when she sleeps" is seriously a joke. A man must have come up with that. Because no mom I know actually follows through with that. How will the laundry get done. How will dinner get cooked? And trust me, a 10 minute nap may be refreshing to a newborn, but it's not very refreshing to me.
Anyways, I take amitriptyline (elavil) 50mg every night. It's supposed to help prevent migraines. I just increased to that dosage a couple of weeks ago, and so far it seems to be working relatively well. The only thing is that it makes me so tired! Lexi is only getting up 1-2 times per night. Jacob does one and I do one. So, I'm probably getting enough sleep for an average adult. But, I still feel like I could sleep all day. It's a hard call to make because that's the same way I feel when I get really depressed. But, I feel like this is really exhaustion. It's like a "medicated" sleepy feeling. Like you took a tylenol pm and didn't go to bed right away. Like, I can barely keep my eyes open. I have to take it though, because I can't have 3 migraines a week. So, I've been reading about vitamins B12 and B2. They are supposed to help prevent migraines and supposedly they will give you energy. Also acai berry is supposed to give you energy. I just don't know if it's a pointless battle to take one thing that makes you sleepy only to take another thing that gives you energy. Of course I wouldn't take them all at the same time, but ya know what I mean.
I also feel like I'm cooped up in this house all day, every day, all week long. I want to get out and do things. I want to be a part of society again. But, I dread taking Lexi anywhere, especially by myself. You just never know when she's going to have a meltdown. Usually it's in the car, and the screaming is worse when you're cooped up in that small of a space.
All right, enough venting/complaining/feeling sorry for myself for one night.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I had forgotten

Posted by danielle at 9:33 PM 0 comments Links to this post
It seemed like I was pregnant forever, but really it was such a short time and I wish I could go back to those days. Days of being unemployed and pregnant. Sleeping in and taking naps. Eating whatever I felt like, because the baby wanted it! Bedrest meant laying in bed all day and not needing an excuse! Anyways, during the time I was pregnant there are things that I forgot about.
Like my period! You never want to see the slightest speck of blood while you're pregnant, and with my history the threat of seeing blood was never far from my mind. But, thankfully this time it didn't happen! I started birth control at my 6 week postpartum visit. So, that makes this week my "off" week. It is awful! I've always heard about how awful your first postpartum cycle is...and why should I think mine would be easy...but I'm only a few days in and I'm already dying! The cramps are horrendous! Anyways, I know that's more than what some people want to know.
While I was trying to get pregnant, I guess I put all the emotions into being disappointed about not being pregnant once again, so I forgot how emotional this "time of the month" can make you. Today I cried when Michael Jackson's daughter spoke at his funeral. Granted, it was a sad moment. And maybe there's a chance I might have cried any other time. But, I wasn't ever big on Michael Jackson. But, holy moly did the tears start falling while I was watching her. Then, I'm reading another friend's blog and I find myself crying for her. Not to mention my screaming baby. She has colic, so she pretty much screams the whole time she's awake. But, we're driving in the car tonight, and she was hungry, we were on the way home. Jacob is listening to the most annoying music ever, and Lexi is screaming in the back seat. And I seriously wanted to throw myself out of the car! Maybe it's the 5 hours of sleep I got last night. Maybe it's the fact that I had to hold her down while she got 3 shots today. Maybe it's the fact that my mind is full of to-do lists that never get done. I don't know. Everyone says it's going to get easier. But, can someone tell me when?

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