Tuesday, July 14, 2009

feelings tonight

Posted by danielle at 9:04 PM
It seems like you always have something better to do than be at home with your family. There's always work or there's always someone else who needs something. What about what your wife needs? Don't tell me I'm acting like Lexi is a burden, because I don't feel that way at all. I just need a break every once and a while. I would like to shower every day. I would like to not have to rush through a meal because I have to comfort a crying baby.
I don't know why I feel so different tonight. Maybe because Lexi has had a great few days and then this afternoon it was back to crying for "no" reason. But, Jacob didn't get home until after 7. I had been up since 6:30. Yes, I took like an hour and a half nap this morning while Lexi slept, but still. That's working from 6:30 until...who knows because I'm still working. Yes, I consider motherhood work. It's a full time job. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to work, because I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now. But, when the phone rang and he tried to walk someone through their computer problem, and then proceeded to tell them he would be right over, it cut to the bone. He ate out, while I balanced cooking dinner, eating dinner, and taking care of a baby. Jennifer was here when he got home, and she made a joke about him getting "the hand off." He very quickly said "That's not going to happen! I'm hot from riding in a truck with no air conditioner." Wow, that cut to the bone also. So, as I laid Lexi in bed at 8:30, went and took my nightly medication and walked back in to find her awake and fussing, I couldn't help but sit down and cry. I don't know why tonight of all nights it became too much to handle. But, I'm tired. And not just physically, I feel mentally exhausted. There's always something that needs to be done. "Sleep when she sleeps" is seriously a joke. A man must have come up with that. Because no mom I know actually follows through with that. How will the laundry get done. How will dinner get cooked? And trust me, a 10 minute nap may be refreshing to a newborn, but it's not very refreshing to me.
Anyways, I take amitriptyline (elavil) 50mg every night. It's supposed to help prevent migraines. I just increased to that dosage a couple of weeks ago, and so far it seems to be working relatively well. The only thing is that it makes me so tired! Lexi is only getting up 1-2 times per night. Jacob does one and I do one. So, I'm probably getting enough sleep for an average adult. But, I still feel like I could sleep all day. It's a hard call to make because that's the same way I feel when I get really depressed. But, I feel like this is really exhaustion. It's like a "medicated" sleepy feeling. Like you took a tylenol pm and didn't go to bed right away. Like, I can barely keep my eyes open. I have to take it though, because I can't have 3 migraines a week. So, I've been reading about vitamins B12 and B2. They are supposed to help prevent migraines and supposedly they will give you energy. Also acai berry is supposed to give you energy. I just don't know if it's a pointless battle to take one thing that makes you sleepy only to take another thing that gives you energy. Of course I wouldn't take them all at the same time, but ya know what I mean.
I also feel like I'm cooped up in this house all day, every day, all week long. I want to get out and do things. I want to be a part of society again. But, I dread taking Lexi anywhere, especially by myself. You just never know when she's going to have a meltdown. Usually it's in the car, and the screaming is worse when you're cooped up in that small of a space.
All right, enough venting/complaining/feeling sorry for myself for one night.

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