May 10, 2009

May 10, 2009-Mother’s Day-Today was the best Mother’s Day ever! Alexia didn’t get to come home, but I got to spend the day with her, and that’s all that matters! They moved her over to the open crib at 9:00 this morning. She did really good all day with her temps and feedings. Mom was there this morning when the dr. did rounds. He said she should be home in a couple days. The nurse said Wednesday at the latest. So, we know she will be coming home one day this week! I know that’s all only as long as she continues to do well. But, right now I have no reason to believe that she won’t do well. When they weighed her tonight she weighed 5lb 7.1oz. She gained a whole ounce today! She managed to pee on her daddy today! And she managed to poop 6 times during 1 diaper change. It was crazy…and it was crazier because Jacob was laughing uncontrollably! The saddest thing was that she got it on her clothes so we had to change her, but she kept pooping so she laid there naked for the longest time, and I know she was losing body heat. But, she was still above the coverline after we fed her, so she’s doing better. I just can’t wait to have her home with me, so I don’t have to worry about taking her temperature all the time. She also cried for about 30 minutes today because she was hungry and it wasn’t time for her feeding yet. I’ll be glad when I don’t have to worry about that either. I know babies should have a schedule, but I don’t think it needs to be so rigid that when she’s hungry 30 minutes before a feeding she can’t eat. She will set her own schedule for the time being! I’m still pumping. Not near as often as I should. But, I feel like I’m doing the best I can do right now. It’s been 2 days since I’ve tried to nurse, so I probably won’t go back to that anymore. Part of me feels sad, because I feel like it’s something I should do. But, the other part of me just feels relieved that she’s not having to work so hard to eat. I’m not sure how long I will even last with the pumping though. Its hard work and I know it will get more difficult once she’s here and I’m taking care of her and trying to pump. Jacob told me I was just lazy…which is probably partially true. But, I feel like there is only so much I can do right now…and I just feel so exhausted all the time. I know that’s going to get worse once she comes home also, because I won’t be getting full night’s sleep, like I have been since I came home from the hospital. I’m sure there will come a day while Jacob’s at work and Lexi and I are home that I just go to the store and buy a can of formula. I feel horrible and torn about that. Kristin and Brandon went to church today and asked for special prayers for us. I’m so glad she did. Prayers are the only thing getting us through this right now. I know it’s not as hard as what a lot of NICU parents have gone through. But, we went through a whole lot to get to this point. And this is a hard experience for us. Everyone goes through their own thing, and we have been very lucky that Alexia is doing so well. She could have been way smaller and way less healthy. But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that our baby has been in the NICU for a week, and we have to come home without her every night. I just look forward to the day (coming soon) when we will all be here like a normal family!

May 7, 2009

Alexia is wonderful today! They took her feeding tube out, and it’s great to see her beautiful little face without it. They also took her out of the isolette. She’s staying a little cool, but they’re keeping her bundled up, as to hopefully not have to go back in the isolette. That would be a setback for us. The physical therapy and carseat training wore her out today, but she still ate her meals like a champ! The only thing we’re waiting on is her temp! It was still super hard to leave her tonight. But, I told her she was already stronger than her mommy! She is so peaceful in the hospital, whereas I was awful and breaking the rules the whole time I was there! Nursing is still up in the air for me. I’m still pumping though, and my milk came in today, so it’s reassuring! I nursed for a while at her noon feeding, but the before and after weights weren’t very different, so I got discouraged. She seems like she’s working so hard, and if she’s not getting anything for all her trouble I don’t want to do it. The nurse said she thought the scales were messed up because she seemed to be doing a really good job sucking and swallowing. And she told me it would be way easier once we got home. I’m still trying to decide what I want to do. The lazy part of me says “screw it.” Just bottlefeed with formula and be done with it. But the MOMMY in me knows the breastmilk is better for her. That’s the only thing keeping me going, is that I don’t want to let her down in any way. I’m considering pumping and bottlefeeding. Even though it seems like twice the work, it may end up being easier on her. I won’t make a final decision until she’s home though. We’re still keeping our fingers crossed for tomorrow or Saturday!

May 6, 2009

Kristin came and got me this morning and took me to the hospital to see Alexia. Jacob went to work today to try to save up his time off for when she’s actually at home. When we got there I was disappointed to see that she was still in the isolette. I was hoping they had moved her to a regular bed overnight. We talked to her for a while and pretty much just stared at her…amazed by her beauty and perfection. We left to run to Target to pick up some more things that I realized I needed, and then we went and ate lunch. When we got back she had already had her noon feeding and was back asleep. They had put the cutest little purple bow in her hair! The lactation consultant came and talked to me for a while and told me we would try to breastfeed at the 3:00 feeding. Aunt Linda and Uncle Charlie came by to see her and to drop off the pump that Mindy gave me. They stayed for a while. The physical therapist came in and pretty much worked her over! She moved all her joints in her arms and legs and then tested her sucking. She was perfect, of course! They let me take her temperature and change her. She hates having her temperature taken because you have to hold her arm down over the thermometer…she likes to be able to move freely. I went to change her diaper and as soon as I folded it down she started pooping some more, thanks a lot! So, I folded it back up and let her sit there for a little bit. When I folded it back down she started to pee. Amazing timing! So she finally finished her business and let me change her. The lactation lady came back and weighed her so we would know how much she ate while she was nursing. She did really well nursing, according to the consultant. She latched on pretty well and sucked good. They only let her nurse for 15 minutes because they don’t want her to get too tired and not get enough to eat. So, after that time I fed her the rest with a bottle. She did really well, and they were able to turn the heat down on her bed a little more. The 3:00 feeding didn’t go so well. Aunt Valerie had come to see her and had just left. I don’t really think she was hungry…she didn’t want to wake up to try to eat. She ate good for a while and then stopped. She pooped while she was eating and then she got really fussy. I knew she probably wouldn’t eat with a poopy diaper so I changed her again and started to feed her the rest of the bottle. She took it pretty well but as soon as I moved her she spit up, big time. It scared me to death, because it seemed like she had spit up everything she just ate. And then her monitor started going off, so that terrified me too. To top it all off there wasn’t a nurse in sight. She didn’t act like spitting up bothered her though. She just spit up and then went back to sleep. The nurse finally came down and turned the monitor off…it was just beeping because I was standing up and the lines were moving. The nurse changed her clothes and wrapped her back up, and she was sleeping peacefully. But, because she spit up they didn’t take out the feeding tube. It hasn’t been hooked up to anything for the past couple of days, but they are waiting to make sure everything is good before they take it out. They took the IV out of her hand sometime during the night or this morning, because it was out when we got there. Lisa and Kristin left and Jacob and I hung around for a little while longer. I started to tell her goodbye and that we would see her in the morning. But, as soon as I even start thinking about leaving I start crying. Let’s just say I’m not a very pretty cryer…I get loud and red and ugly! So, I tried to keep as quiet as possible while telling her how much I love her. I tell her every day that she has to eat like a big girl so that they will take that yucky tube out of her nose, and then she can come home with us. Hopefully she hears me and takes it to heart! It’s so hard to leave her there! I know it will make it all worth while once she’s home…and I will be able to rest assured that she’s perfectly healthy. But, it’s just so hard to come home without her every day. I want to be able to hold her whenever I feel like it, and kiss her whenever I feel like it. I don’t want to have to stare at her through a glass box, and touch her through little holes. It’s weird because I feel helpless while I’m there…like I should be doing something. But, then I feel awful when I’m not there. I feel guilty for not getting up super early to go sit with her all day. But, there’s nothing I can do there. I don’t want to feel guilty…I just want her here with me. Sometimes I want to ask why. What did I do to deserve this? I waited so long for her. Why did these last few weeks have to happen the way they did? Why does she have to be in the NICU? Why couldn’t one aspect of my pregnancy/motherhood be normal? I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying extra hard that she will at least be home before Mother’s Day.

May 5, 2009

May 5, 2009-12:14 am- I’ve taken my ambien, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet. Because all I can think about it how I’m going to have to leave Lexi here tomorrow while we go home. I’m so ready to go home…I’ve been wanting to go home since the day I got here. But, I don’t want to go home without her! I’ve waited so long to have her, and now they’re telling me that I’m going to have to wait some more to bring her home. I don’t feel like I have the strength to do that. Right now I feel like Jacob is going to have to carry me out of there.
I’ve been pumping as much as I can for her, but it just seems like so little. It’s discouraging. The lactation consultant said I was doing great with it, but I don’t feel great about the output I’m giving. Hopefully things will go better once my milk actually comes in. And I hope it comes in soon. I feel bad for not going to see her more. But, when I’m down there it’s just a reminder that I can’t take her home yet. They won’t even let us take her out and hold her. Even if it ends up being just a couple of days, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t leave here without her, I just can’t!

May 4, 2009

I got to feed Alexia her noon feeding. I’ve been pumping for her. She has a feeding tube in and she has an IV for fluids. Hopefully her feedings will continue to increase over the next 24 hours and they will be able to take the feeding tube out. I think they said they’ve used it 2 times today only, so that’s great! Hopefully my milk comes in soon so I will be able to give her more of what she needs. I’m probably going to get to go home tomorrow, but she’s probably going to have to stay a couple more days. I really am not looking forward to leaving without her. She looks so good…I just want to pick her up and take her home with me! She is in an isolette right now to help her stabilize her body temperature. Her setting was on 30.5 tonight. Once it gets down to 27 they will put her in a regular bed! I wish all the people who have visited at the hospital could go down to see her, but Jacob has to go with them, and he feels bad leaving me up here by myself. It’s hard to go down there only for a few minutes, and not get to hold her, and then have to come back up here. I feel bad for not going down there more often, but they won’t let me hold her, and I don’t want to disturb her sleeping. She is the most amazing, beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She’s perfect in every single way! I love her so much already! It doesn’t seem real that she’s mine. A part of me still doesn’t believe that I have a baby. I’m sure that’s because I haven’t really gotten to spend a lot of time with her. I just can’t wait to take her home with me! She’s mine forever! I’m so lucky to have her!