Thursday, May 7, 2009

May 6, 2009

Posted by danielle at 9:12 PM

Kristin came and got me this morning and took me to the hospital to see Alexia. Jacob went to work today to try to save up his time off for when she’s actually at home. When we got there I was disappointed to see that she was still in the isolette. I was hoping they had moved her to a regular bed overnight. We talked to her for a while and pretty much just stared at her…amazed by her beauty and perfection. We left to run to Target to pick up some more things that I realized I needed, and then we went and ate lunch. When we got back she had already had her noon feeding and was back asleep. They had put the cutest little purple bow in her hair! The lactation consultant came and talked to me for a while and told me we would try to breastfeed at the 3:00 feeding. Aunt Linda and Uncle Charlie came by to see her and to drop off the pump that Mindy gave me. They stayed for a while. The physical therapist came in and pretty much worked her over! She moved all her joints in her arms and legs and then tested her sucking. She was perfect, of course! They let me take her temperature and change her. She hates having her temperature taken because you have to hold her arm down over the thermometer…she likes to be able to move freely. I went to change her diaper and as soon as I folded it down she started pooping some more, thanks a lot! So, I folded it back up and let her sit there for a little bit. When I folded it back down she started to pee. Amazing timing! So she finally finished her business and let me change her. The lactation lady came back and weighed her so we would know how much she ate while she was nursing. She did really well nursing, according to the consultant. She latched on pretty well and sucked good. They only let her nurse for 15 minutes because they don’t want her to get too tired and not get enough to eat. So, after that time I fed her the rest with a bottle. She did really well, and they were able to turn the heat down on her bed a little more. The 3:00 feeding didn’t go so well. Aunt Valerie had come to see her and had just left. I don’t really think she was hungry…she didn’t want to wake up to try to eat. She ate good for a while and then stopped. She pooped while she was eating and then she got really fussy. I knew she probably wouldn’t eat with a poopy diaper so I changed her again and started to feed her the rest of the bottle. She took it pretty well but as soon as I moved her she spit up, big time. It scared me to death, because it seemed like she had spit up everything she just ate. And then her monitor started going off, so that terrified me too. To top it all off there wasn’t a nurse in sight. She didn’t act like spitting up bothered her though. She just spit up and then went back to sleep. The nurse finally came down and turned the monitor off…it was just beeping because I was standing up and the lines were moving. The nurse changed her clothes and wrapped her back up, and she was sleeping peacefully. But, because she spit up they didn’t take out the feeding tube. It hasn’t been hooked up to anything for the past couple of days, but they are waiting to make sure everything is good before they take it out. They took the IV out of her hand sometime during the night or this morning, because it was out when we got there. Lisa and Kristin left and Jacob and I hung around for a little while longer. I started to tell her goodbye and that we would see her in the morning. But, as soon as I even start thinking about leaving I start crying. Let’s just say I’m not a very pretty cryer…I get loud and red and ugly! So, I tried to keep as quiet as possible while telling her how much I love her. I tell her every day that she has to eat like a big girl so that they will take that yucky tube out of her nose, and then she can come home with us. Hopefully she hears me and takes it to heart! It’s so hard to leave her there! I know it will make it all worth while once she’s home…and I will be able to rest assured that she’s perfectly healthy. But, it’s just so hard to come home without her every day. I want to be able to hold her whenever I feel like it, and kiss her whenever I feel like it. I don’t want to have to stare at her through a glass box, and touch her through little holes. It’s weird because I feel helpless while I’m there…like I should be doing something. But, then I feel awful when I’m not there. I feel guilty for not getting up super early to go sit with her all day. But, there’s nothing I can do there. I don’t want to feel guilty…I just want her here with me. Sometimes I want to ask why. What did I do to deserve this? I waited so long for her. Why did these last few weeks have to happen the way they did? Why does she have to be in the NICU? Why couldn’t one aspect of my pregnancy/motherhood be normal? I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying extra hard that she will at least be home before Mother’s Day.

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