I'm so close to losing my shit right now.
It really sucks to feel like a single mom all the time. If I wanted to be a single mom I would have found some random guy to get me knocked up and never would have gotten married. But alas that's not what I wanted. So, I get married and do everything the right way. But alas, I'm still a single mom. It just really sucks to be at home and do everything by yourself all day and then still have to do everything by yourself once your significant other gets home. I understand that he works all day every day, so when he gets home he wants/needs to relax. But, there are times when I'm overwhelmed and need a break also. Like when Lexi won't stop screaming, or when she pukes all over me and I need to change shirts, but as soon as I put her down she's going to scream some more. Or like earlier when she was rubbing her cold, wet, slobber-covered hands all over my face and neck and I was so irritated and grossed out, but all he could do was sit there and laugh and tell me not to push her away from me.
Anyways...I changed shirts, took a deep breath, and told myself that bedtime is an hour away, so all will be well again.
Showing posts with label mommyhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommyhood. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
feelings tonight
It seems like you always have something better to do than be at home with your family. There's always work or there's always someone else who needs something. What about what your wife needs? Don't tell me I'm acting like Lexi is a burden, because I don't feel that way at all. I just need a break every once and a while. I would like to shower every day. I would like to not have to rush through a meal because I have to comfort a crying baby.
I don't know why I feel so different tonight. Maybe because Lexi has had a great few days and then this afternoon it was back to crying for "no" reason. But, Jacob didn't get home until after 7. I had been up since 6:30. Yes, I took like an hour and a half nap this morning while Lexi slept, but still. That's working from 6:30 until...who knows because I'm still working. Yes, I consider motherhood work. It's a full time job. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to work, because I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now. But, when the phone rang and he tried to walk someone through their computer problem, and then proceeded to tell them he would be right over, it cut to the bone. He ate out, while I balanced cooking dinner, eating dinner, and taking care of a baby. Jennifer was here when he got home, and she made a joke about him getting "the hand off." He very quickly said "That's not going to happen! I'm hot from riding in a truck with no air conditioner." Wow, that cut to the bone also. So, as I laid Lexi in bed at 8:30, went and took my nightly medication and walked back in to find her awake and fussing, I couldn't help but sit down and cry. I don't know why tonight of all nights it became too much to handle. But, I'm tired. And not just physically, I feel mentally exhausted. There's always something that needs to be done. "Sleep when she sleeps" is seriously a joke. A man must have come up with that. Because no mom I know actually follows through with that. How will the laundry get done. How will dinner get cooked? And trust me, a 10 minute nap may be refreshing to a newborn, but it's not very refreshing to me.
Anyways, I take amitriptyline (elavil) 50mg every night. It's supposed to help prevent migraines. I just increased to that dosage a couple of weeks ago, and so far it seems to be working relatively well. The only thing is that it makes me so tired! Lexi is only getting up 1-2 times per night. Jacob does one and I do one. So, I'm probably getting enough sleep for an average adult. But, I still feel like I could sleep all day. It's a hard call to make because that's the same way I feel when I get really depressed. But, I feel like this is really exhaustion. It's like a "medicated" sleepy feeling. Like you took a tylenol pm and didn't go to bed right away. Like, I can barely keep my eyes open. I have to take it though, because I can't have 3 migraines a week. So, I've been reading about vitamins B12 and B2. They are supposed to help prevent migraines and supposedly they will give you energy. Also acai berry is supposed to give you energy. I just don't know if it's a pointless battle to take one thing that makes you sleepy only to take another thing that gives you energy. Of course I wouldn't take them all at the same time, but ya know what I mean.
I also feel like I'm cooped up in this house all day, every day, all week long. I want to get out and do things. I want to be a part of society again. But, I dread taking Lexi anywhere, especially by myself. You just never know when she's going to have a meltdown. Usually it's in the car, and the screaming is worse when you're cooped up in that small of a space.
All right, enough venting/complaining/feeling sorry for myself for one night.
I don't know why I feel so different tonight. Maybe because Lexi has had a great few days and then this afternoon it was back to crying for "no" reason. But, Jacob didn't get home until after 7. I had been up since 6:30. Yes, I took like an hour and a half nap this morning while Lexi slept, but still. That's working from 6:30 until...who knows because I'm still working. Yes, I consider motherhood work. It's a full time job. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to work, because I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now. But, when the phone rang and he tried to walk someone through their computer problem, and then proceeded to tell them he would be right over, it cut to the bone. He ate out, while I balanced cooking dinner, eating dinner, and taking care of a baby. Jennifer was here when he got home, and she made a joke about him getting "the hand off." He very quickly said "That's not going to happen! I'm hot from riding in a truck with no air conditioner." Wow, that cut to the bone also. So, as I laid Lexi in bed at 8:30, went and took my nightly medication and walked back in to find her awake and fussing, I couldn't help but sit down and cry. I don't know why tonight of all nights it became too much to handle. But, I'm tired. And not just physically, I feel mentally exhausted. There's always something that needs to be done. "Sleep when she sleeps" is seriously a joke. A man must have come up with that. Because no mom I know actually follows through with that. How will the laundry get done. How will dinner get cooked? And trust me, a 10 minute nap may be refreshing to a newborn, but it's not very refreshing to me.
Anyways, I take amitriptyline (elavil) 50mg every night. It's supposed to help prevent migraines. I just increased to that dosage a couple of weeks ago, and so far it seems to be working relatively well. The only thing is that it makes me so tired! Lexi is only getting up 1-2 times per night. Jacob does one and I do one. So, I'm probably getting enough sleep for an average adult. But, I still feel like I could sleep all day. It's a hard call to make because that's the same way I feel when I get really depressed. But, I feel like this is really exhaustion. It's like a "medicated" sleepy feeling. Like you took a tylenol pm and didn't go to bed right away. Like, I can barely keep my eyes open. I have to take it though, because I can't have 3 migraines a week. So, I've been reading about vitamins B12 and B2. They are supposed to help prevent migraines and supposedly they will give you energy. Also acai berry is supposed to give you energy. I just don't know if it's a pointless battle to take one thing that makes you sleepy only to take another thing that gives you energy. Of course I wouldn't take them all at the same time, but ya know what I mean.
I also feel like I'm cooped up in this house all day, every day, all week long. I want to get out and do things. I want to be a part of society again. But, I dread taking Lexi anywhere, especially by myself. You just never know when she's going to have a meltdown. Usually it's in the car, and the screaming is worse when you're cooped up in that small of a space.
All right, enough venting/complaining/feeling sorry for myself for one night.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
June 16...LONG!
June 16, 2009—I can’t handle the way I’m being treated around here. I understand that Jacob works. But, it’s a lot of work to stay home with Alexia all day too. I don’t get credit for that. “You stay at home all day.” I’m tired of that shit. “When I get home I have things I need to do.” Oh yeah? I have things that I need to do around here too. And I have to do them with her, by myself. There’s no one here during the day to hand her off to while I do dishes or laundry or eat 1 meal. So yeah, whenever he gets home I want to be able to hand her off to him and take a shower and rest. Apparently that’s too much to ask, because he asked me tonight when he was going to get a break. Really? When am I going to get a break? Thank goodness my mom has kept her a couple of Friday nights for us, so I can get some sleep. And Sheila and Grandma Eva have offered to come over to watch her during the day if I need a break. But, for some reason it’s so hard for me to ask for help. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like if I ask for help all I’m doing is telling the world that I can’t take care of my baby. And it feels like tonight Jacob is trying his hardest to make me feel like a horrible mom. He is forever asking me questions that I don’t have the answer to. Questions that he should know I don’t have the answer to. Lexi has a rash on her neck, inside the fat roll, from where she drools so much when she eats, and it stays wet all the time. Well, I’ve been putting desitin on it, because I don’t know what else to do for it. So, it looks worse because it’s all white and gross in there. So, he brings her over and says, “this doesn’t concern you?” Well, I don’t like that she has a rash, but I’ve been putting medicine on it, and it’s 9:00pm, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it right now. There’s nothing I can do about the way I feel about him right now either. Because I don’t want to start a fight. Because we have Lexi here and there’s nothing that either of us is going to agree on right now. Because he doesn’t care that he hurts my feelings. He doesn’t understand that he tells me that he’s going to change, but then nothing ever changes. I just want a break in the evenings. But, every day after work he has something better to do than come straight home. Then he’ll take Lexi for a little while, until he gets tired of messing with her, or until he has something “better” to do, then he hands her over to me. It pisses me off because I don’t have that option, ever! I can’t get tired of holding her or listening to her cry, because it’s me, by myself, all day, every day. But, what pisses me off the most is when I’m up with her all night and he’s laying in bed, with his head on MY pillow, sleeping. Why, as soon as I get out of bed to get Lexi does he have to roll over onto my pillow? I just want to throw something at his head! Seriously, a concussion is in his near future.
I don’t know if we need to switch her formula or what. She spits up an awful lot, and she’s been terribly fussy today. We got the thrush kind of under control and then she gets constipated for like 3 days, no poop! I finally had to give her a suppository 2 days in a row just so she could go. Then she went 2 days on her own, and now today we’re back to nothing. I don’t know what to do about that either. Today she would eat 1 oz and then fall into a deep sleep so I would lay her down. She would lay there for anywhere from 5-20 minutes and then wake up screaming. I think she’s still too young to let her cry it out, so I don’t have another choice but to go get her and hold her.
My PCP switched my Prozac to Celexa. I don’t know if it’s working or not. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to give it before I ask for something different or a different dosage. I know there isn’t going to be a miracle pill that makes me feel better. But, damn I would like to feel normal again. Sitting here tonight I want to just ball myself up in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and then sleep forever. That’s how I used to feel when I would get really depressed. Except for now I can’t do that, because I have to take care of Lexi. And I’m sure nobody wants to come over and watch her just so I can feed my depression. The migraines have been horrible lately. It seems like I get one every other day. I got medicine for it, but it doesn’t always help.
I need a job! I need a job for money, obviously. But, I also need a job for my sanity. That’s horrible, I know. I prayed for a baby for so long. And I wouldn’t give her back for anything! But, I feel like I need to go back to work now. I need time away from this house. I need a reason for Jacob to take back over some of the responsibilities around here. We used to split laundry and dishes, but since I “don’t work” I get them all! It sucks! Because like I mentioned before, it’s hard to do everything that needs to be done and still take care of Lexi.
Most of all it hurts me because he just doesn’t understand. Right now he’s sitting there talking shit about how I’m going to blog, and no one ever here’s his side of the story, and how everyone online hates him. I’m sorry if I have one way to vent. Because I sure as hell can’t talk to him about anything. Everything starts a fight and I just don’t have the energy to fight with him.
I don’t know if we need to switch her formula or what. She spits up an awful lot, and she’s been terribly fussy today. We got the thrush kind of under control and then she gets constipated for like 3 days, no poop! I finally had to give her a suppository 2 days in a row just so she could go. Then she went 2 days on her own, and now today we’re back to nothing. I don’t know what to do about that either. Today she would eat 1 oz and then fall into a deep sleep so I would lay her down. She would lay there for anywhere from 5-20 minutes and then wake up screaming. I think she’s still too young to let her cry it out, so I don’t have another choice but to go get her and hold her.
My PCP switched my Prozac to Celexa. I don’t know if it’s working or not. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to give it before I ask for something different or a different dosage. I know there isn’t going to be a miracle pill that makes me feel better. But, damn I would like to feel normal again. Sitting here tonight I want to just ball myself up in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and then sleep forever. That’s how I used to feel when I would get really depressed. Except for now I can’t do that, because I have to take care of Lexi. And I’m sure nobody wants to come over and watch her just so I can feed my depression. The migraines have been horrible lately. It seems like I get one every other day. I got medicine for it, but it doesn’t always help.
I need a job! I need a job for money, obviously. But, I also need a job for my sanity. That’s horrible, I know. I prayed for a baby for so long. And I wouldn’t give her back for anything! But, I feel like I need to go back to work now. I need time away from this house. I need a reason for Jacob to take back over some of the responsibilities around here. We used to split laundry and dishes, but since I “don’t work” I get them all! It sucks! Because like I mentioned before, it’s hard to do everything that needs to be done and still take care of Lexi.
Most of all it hurts me because he just doesn’t understand. Right now he’s sitting there talking shit about how I’m going to blog, and no one ever here’s his side of the story, and how everyone online hates him. I’m sorry if I have one way to vent. Because I sure as hell can’t talk to him about anything. Everything starts a fight and I just don’t have the energy to fight with him.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
May 20, 2009
May 20, 2009-Another day started way too early, with way too little sleep. I guess it was decent sleep, but it started way too late! After her 11:00 feeding Alexia didn’t go back to sleep until after 1:00. Jacob got up with her sometime after I put her down, and I’m not really sure how long he stayed up with her. But, then she ended up sleeping until 4:30. Which was really good. But, then it seemed like her sleep was restless after that. She woke back up around 6:30. I fed her and she was pretty awake once again. I put her back in the car seat and Jacob got up with her for a little bit. Then when it was time for him to start getting ready for work I got up, fed her another oz. and put her back down. Her sleep was really restless still, and was bugging me enough that I couldn’t sleep. So, I just decided to get up. I brought her into the living room, and of course she seems to be pretty content. I’m sure as soon as I would lie down she would wake up though! Today is one of those days where I feel like I could lay in bed all day. I don’t know if it’s just from being up until 1 and then not getting much sleep after that, or if it’s the depression. I really wish there was someone I could call that could come watch her, at least for a few hours so I could sleep some more. But, I don’t really know who that would be on a Wednesday morning. But, I just can’t keep doing 5 hours of sleep a night! I feel guilty about calling Jacob’s mom to come watch her, because I know she has other things to do, and she’s probably still asleep herself. My family all works…except for my Grandma, and I’m not sure she would come over and watch her by herself while I sleep. So, I just don’t really have a lot of options!
Alexia also seems like she has a stuffy nose. I tried to use the bulb syringe, but neither one of the ones I have are small enough to fit in her nose…hmm. So, now I get to listen to her snore/grunt/groan/breathe heavy. Fun times!
Alexia also seems like she has a stuffy nose. I tried to use the bulb syringe, but neither one of the ones I have are small enough to fit in her nose…hmm. So, now I get to listen to her snore/grunt/groan/breathe heavy. Fun times!
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