May 7, 2009

Alexia is wonderful today! They took her feeding tube out, and it’s great to see her beautiful little face without it. They also took her out of the isolette. She’s staying a little cool, but they’re keeping her bundled up, as to hopefully not have to go back in the isolette. That would be a setback for us. The physical therapy and carseat training wore her out today, but she still ate her meals like a champ! The only thing we’re waiting on is her temp! It was still super hard to leave her tonight. But, I told her she was already stronger than her mommy! She is so peaceful in the hospital, whereas I was awful and breaking the rules the whole time I was there! Nursing is still up in the air for me. I’m still pumping though, and my milk came in today, so it’s reassuring! I nursed for a while at her noon feeding, but the before and after weights weren’t very different, so I got discouraged. She seems like she’s working so hard, and if she’s not getting anything for all her trouble I don’t want to do it. The nurse said she thought the scales were messed up because she seemed to be doing a really good job sucking and swallowing. And she told me it would be way easier once we got home. I’m still trying to decide what I want to do. The lazy part of me says “screw it.” Just bottlefeed with formula and be done with it. But the MOMMY in me knows the breastmilk is better for her. That’s the only thing keeping me going, is that I don’t want to let her down in any way. I’m considering pumping and bottlefeeding. Even though it seems like twice the work, it may end up being easier on her. I won’t make a final decision until she’s home though. We’re still keeping our fingers crossed for tomorrow or Saturday!

May 6, 2009

Kristin came and got me this morning and took me to the hospital to see Alexia. Jacob went to work today to try to save up his time off for when she’s actually at home. When we got there I was disappointed to see that she was still in the isolette. I was hoping they had moved her to a regular bed overnight. We talked to her for a while and pretty much just stared at her…amazed by her beauty and perfection. We left to run to Target to pick up some more things that I realized I needed, and then we went and ate lunch. When we got back she had already had her noon feeding and was back asleep. They had put the cutest little purple bow in her hair! The lactation consultant came and talked to me for a while and told me we would try to breastfeed at the 3:00 feeding. Aunt Linda and Uncle Charlie came by to see her and to drop off the pump that Mindy gave me. They stayed for a while. The physical therapist came in and pretty much worked her over! She moved all her joints in her arms and legs and then tested her sucking. She was perfect, of course! They let me take her temperature and change her. She hates having her temperature taken because you have to hold her arm down over the thermometer…she likes to be able to move freely. I went to change her diaper and as soon as I folded it down she started pooping some more, thanks a lot! So, I folded it back up and let her sit there for a little bit. When I folded it back down she started to pee. Amazing timing! So she finally finished her business and let me change her. The lactation lady came back and weighed her so we would know how much she ate while she was nursing. She did really well nursing, according to the consultant. She latched on pretty well and sucked good. They only let her nurse for 15 minutes because they don’t want her to get too tired and not get enough to eat. So, after that time I fed her the rest with a bottle. She did really well, and they were able to turn the heat down on her bed a little more. The 3:00 feeding didn’t go so well. Aunt Valerie had come to see her and had just left. I don’t really think she was hungry…she didn’t want to wake up to try to eat. She ate good for a while and then stopped. She pooped while she was eating and then she got really fussy. I knew she probably wouldn’t eat with a poopy diaper so I changed her again and started to feed her the rest of the bottle. She took it pretty well but as soon as I moved her she spit up, big time. It scared me to death, because it seemed like she had spit up everything she just ate. And then her monitor started going off, so that terrified me too. To top it all off there wasn’t a nurse in sight. She didn’t act like spitting up bothered her though. She just spit up and then went back to sleep. The nurse finally came down and turned the monitor off…it was just beeping because I was standing up and the lines were moving. The nurse changed her clothes and wrapped her back up, and she was sleeping peacefully. But, because she spit up they didn’t take out the feeding tube. It hasn’t been hooked up to anything for the past couple of days, but they are waiting to make sure everything is good before they take it out. They took the IV out of her hand sometime during the night or this morning, because it was out when we got there. Lisa and Kristin left and Jacob and I hung around for a little while longer. I started to tell her goodbye and that we would see her in the morning. But, as soon as I even start thinking about leaving I start crying. Let’s just say I’m not a very pretty cryer…I get loud and red and ugly! So, I tried to keep as quiet as possible while telling her how much I love her. I tell her every day that she has to eat like a big girl so that they will take that yucky tube out of her nose, and then she can come home with us. Hopefully she hears me and takes it to heart! It’s so hard to leave her there! I know it will make it all worth while once she’s home…and I will be able to rest assured that she’s perfectly healthy. But, it’s just so hard to come home without her every day. I want to be able to hold her whenever I feel like it, and kiss her whenever I feel like it. I don’t want to have to stare at her through a glass box, and touch her through little holes. It’s weird because I feel helpless while I’m there…like I should be doing something. But, then I feel awful when I’m not there. I feel guilty for not getting up super early to go sit with her all day. But, there’s nothing I can do there. I don’t want to feel guilty…I just want her here with me. Sometimes I want to ask why. What did I do to deserve this? I waited so long for her. Why did these last few weeks have to happen the way they did? Why does she have to be in the NICU? Why couldn’t one aspect of my pregnancy/motherhood be normal? I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying extra hard that she will at least be home before Mother’s Day.

May 5, 2009

May 5, 2009-12:14 am- I’ve taken my ambien, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet. Because all I can think about it how I’m going to have to leave Lexi here tomorrow while we go home. I’m so ready to go home…I’ve been wanting to go home since the day I got here. But, I don’t want to go home without her! I’ve waited so long to have her, and now they’re telling me that I’m going to have to wait some more to bring her home. I don’t feel like I have the strength to do that. Right now I feel like Jacob is going to have to carry me out of there.
I’ve been pumping as much as I can for her, but it just seems like so little. It’s discouraging. The lactation consultant said I was doing great with it, but I don’t feel great about the output I’m giving. Hopefully things will go better once my milk actually comes in. And I hope it comes in soon. I feel bad for not going to see her more. But, when I’m down there it’s just a reminder that I can’t take her home yet. They won’t even let us take her out and hold her. Even if it ends up being just a couple of days, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t leave here without her, I just can’t!