Thursday, January 15, 2009

A Journey;

Posted by danielle at 11:00 PM
I and my husband have allowed me to have 1 night a week where we (meaning I, while he's asleep) can get all sentimental and emotional and have myself a pity party. Well, aren't you girls lucky because tonight is that night. I've got some lists of poetry and things that I'm going to post. These are things that I didn't write, I just found them, and they make MY WORLD, seem real. And they make me know that I am NOT the only person who feels this way. Anyways:
Don't let them say I wasn't born, that something stopped my heart. I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start. Although my body you can't hold, it doesn't mean I'm gone. This world was not worthy of me, God chose that I move on. I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face. You have my word I'll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace. You'll hear that it was "meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes." But that won't soften your worst blow or make your heart not ache. I'm watching over all you do, another child you'll bear. Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there. There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand. Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you'll understand. ALthough I never breated your air, or gazed into your eyes, That doesn't mean I never "was". An Angel Never Dies.

The next one rings perfectly through me. I'm sure I'll type through the tears.
Ask my mom How she is
My mom she tells a lot of lies, She never did before, But from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain, she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is She'll say I'm alright. If that's the truth, then tell me, why does she cry each night.
Ask my mom how she is she seems to cope so well. She didn't have a choice you see Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my mom how she is "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping." For God's sake Mom just tell the truth, Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life. I loved her all of mine. But if you ask her how she is She'll still lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven. I cannot hug from here. If she lies to you don't listen. Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again. We'll smile and I'll be bold. I'll say you're lucky to get here Mom, with all the lies you told.

Daddy please don't look so sad. Mama please don't cry. 'Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies. Please, try not to question God. Don't think He is unkind. Don't think He sent me to you and then changed His mind. You see, I am a special child. And I'm headed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love. I'll always be there with you. And watch the sky at night, find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your windowpane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a little breeze from a gentle wind that blows. That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose. When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a little tug. That's me I'll be there, giving your heart a hug. So Daddy please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Okay, I promise this is going to be the last one for tonight:
We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to talk, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now and listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother, He'll always be your dad,
You will always be our child, the child we never had.
But now you're gone, but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong. We'll forget you neer.
The child we had but never had
And yet will have forever.

So, I know those aren't really the things that I 20 week pregnant lady should be thinking about...but I don't have a whole lot of other stuff to occupy my time now that I'm not working. I thought when I finally got pregnant, that all the heartache from the miscarriages would go away. But, it doesn't. It makes me want those babies more. And it makes me scared that once I have this baby I will forget about the others. I don't want to forget them. I want them to be a part of my life daily...because they are a part of me. And just because I will FINALLY become a mother, doesn't mean my other children get dropped by the wayside. I know my delivery day will be filled with tears. I just want there to be a few sad tears mixed into a moment of silence for the babies we have lost...because they were important to us also. And we never really got to say goodbye to them and tell them how much we love and miss them. I'm sorry! I didn't know this post was going to go downhill so fast!
I didn't work on my blanket much today...I was laid up in bed, with what I'm calling the flu. I did start a baby blanket tonight, so I'll take pictures of it tomorrow morning so we can start our progress shots. Hopefully I'll feel like getting out of bed at some point tomorrow...but who really knows!

1 comments on "A Journey;"

Kacey on January 20, 2009 at 5:43 PM said...

you should just be happy and know that you are blessed with this baby that is growing inside of you right now at this moment. And don't let your sadness over your losses interfere with the way you will be towards this little boy, he will be here and you are going to love him in a way you never dreamt of........And don't forget that everything happens for a reason; there are a few things that don't (the obvious ones), anyways take care. Kacey, Kiah, and Brandon Hill


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