Sunday, March 22, 2009

thoughts

Posted by danielle at 10:48 PM
Just some thoughts.
*Why do the people who deserve something the most, have to wait the longest for it? I know women who would be great mothers, with stable lives and husbands, who struggle to get pregnant. Why can't they just have a baby?*

*Why does it seem like someone is always waiting for their Mr./Mrs. Right? Chances are you're going to meet this person through someone you know, or from somewhere you go, shop, work, etc. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel guilty because Jacob was practically dropped in my lap. And from day 1 it just worked. We had our ups and downs, but it was love! So, we knew we would get married. I feel guilty because there are people out there who have been searching their whole lives for this person...this person that is meant to be their other half. Why do we have to wait so long? Why do we have to date all the wrong guys/girls in order to find the right one? I know everything happens when God is ready for it to happen. Trust me I understand that concept, but when you're on the receiving end of that statement, you want to stab the person saying it to you. It doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make the waiting go by faster. It doesn't tell you what you're doing "wrong." I wish I had answers to these questions. I wish I could find people for the lonely people in my life. Because I want them to be able to share the same joys and happiness that I share with my husband.
*I've always felt guilty to have something that someone else didn't have. * One time in elementary school Lisa and I saved up 100 pennies each to buy a sucker at lunch time. Lisa was part way through with hers and she dropped her sucker in the dirt. There was no way for us to clean it off. So, the only options for me were to give her my sucker, and if she wouldn't take mine, I would throw it away too. I don't remember what decision was made. But, that's how my life has been. I remember accidentally pushing Adam off Grandma Eva's porch out on the ranch and he got hurt and cried. Well, there I was crying with him because he had gotten hurt. Even with everything I've been through with PCOS and miscarriages, the whole time I was going through that (more than 2 years) of not know whether or not I would have kids or not. The only thing I prayed for was of course for God to bless me with a baby that would stay in my womb for 9 months, and for no one else in my family to have this! PCOS can be genetic, and I don't want my sisters to have to go through this. It is so much easier for me to go through it on my own than to have to stand by and watch someone else go through it. It's too hard for me to do that. I would rather just take all the pain on myself. So, please God don't let my sister's have this horrible disease! I know all parents want their children to grow up and do better for themselves than what the parents were able to do for themselves. That's why they push us to go to college and get degrees and make something of our lives. But, then that happens and I feel bad for it. We have health insurance and dental insurance...something that my parents never had. They had dental insurance for us kids, but they never used it on themselves. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty that if my TV goes out tomorrow, I will find a way to buy a new one. I feel guilty that if I get sick I will go to the dr. I feel guilty that if something happens and I don't know what to do, I will go to the ER and it will be taken care of. Our parents raise us to be better than they were, but why does it feel so crappy to actually make that goal?
*I became overwhelmed at church today. I've been thinking a lot about how hard it's going to be once Alexia gets here. Now, I don't worry about money, finances, that's Jacob job. I worry about how am I going to be a good enough mom to her. How am I going to give her enough love? Then standing in church today I realized that I'm responsible for bringing her to know Christ. How will I ever tell this little girl about how God blessed our lives with her? Will she ever understand that we prayed and prayed for her and God finally found the perfect little angel to come live with us? I find relief in knowing that she will know God from the very beginning of her life. *

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